OK, I want to first apologize to my niece and thank her for being patient with Uncle Kathy. It's been more than 10 years since I had a relationship like this in my life, and I forgot how overpowering love can be. I haven't even called to check on my mother in a few days. It wasn't until one of my sisters called and asked me "Have you checked on momma? She's having knee surgery!" that I snapped back to my senses.
So let me say I'm sorry to Sheletta. And I want to thank her for being patient with me. and thank you all who enjoy reading Uncle Kathy's weekly advice column. Thank you readers (Keith, Wendy, my nephew-in-law Shawn, etc.) for being patient with me as well. I've crawled from underneath my rock and I'm trying to strike a healthy balance of love, family and work--which is easier said than done.
Alright, enough with all the pleasantries, Uncle Kathy is back and I'm kicking ass and taking names. Two weeks ago, I got an e-mail note from a young lady who says she's trying to figure out if her favorite nephew is gay. She wants to ask him but doesn't know quite how to approach the situation, and she wants Uncle Kathy's advice.
Dear Uncle Kathy,
Thank you first, for being so open and honest about your lifestyle. I am sure it was easy for your family members to adapt once you told them the truth. At least you didn't try to hide it like some people I know. My nephew is 35 years old and I think he may be gay. He has been living with his best friend for 6 or 7 years, and his best friend is a man. They do everything together, go on vacations, plan family functions and spend the holidays together. Neither one of them has any children and I've never seen them with female friends. They try to act macho, but I believe they are lovers. I want to ask my nephew about it, but I'm not sure where to start. I'm sure, you had family that approached you, so I want to know what's the best way to do it coming from my situation.
Signed, Confused
Well Confused, let Uncle Kathy tell you something, I didn't appreciate it at all when my family would question my sexuality. In fact, I always felt that was none of their business and when I was ready to tell them I would. I said all that to say: Mind your own damn business. When your nephew is ready to come clean, he will. I mean, if it looks like a fish, and smells like a fish and swims in a lake, then the man is gay! Ain't no doubts about it. But there may be a reason he chooses not to talk about it. Judgment from nosy ass kin folks (present company included excluded), or it could be that people on his job wouldn't accept it. I don't know so I can't speak for him, but what I do know is that right now, he's chosen not to come out.
It took me years before I told my family, although some of them already knew from when I was a young girl. And when I decided to tell them, it was my choice, nobody forced it out of me. I denied it until I was ready mentally and in a place in my career where it wouldn't harm me. Funny thing is, all the family members who'd ask me were only doing so because they were being nosy and wanted to get on the phone and gossip with other relatives and say "See, I told you that girl was a lesbian!"
And why do you need to know anyway? Is it going to make you sleep better at night? Do you have something to prove?
Leave the man alone. Love him like an aunt is supposed to love her nephew. Accept him unconditionally and when he's ready to come out, he will. Until then, pick up a puzzle book or go to the Bingo Hall. Find something to do and get out of his business!
Oh yeah, Uncle Kathy is back...
