Yes, I do want a pat on the back for doing my damned job.  I know, I know, that's niggerish.  See, I'm required to do one web post a week on Tuesday's with my advice column. Somehow, before I got into a relationship, this was easy to do.  Now, with a lady love and a demanding work schedule, Uncle Kathy is busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.  I love you guys, Uncle Kathy really has grown fond of everyone who reads the website and sends me notes on a regular basis, but you all are going to have to be patient with me as Stella gets her groove back. I'm almost there! My deadline is 2 p.m. every day, so this week, and last week, I was a little tardy.  But I'm here.

OK, on to the job at hand. Uncle Kathy received notes from a few folks this week that needed my help.  Some of them I responded to personally, but this one I felt like I had to share with everyone. Especially since it's something I'm dealing with IN-LAWS. 

Dear Uncle Kathy,

My wife and I have been married for seven years now, and no matter what I do, it's never good enough because it doesn't measure up to her father.  She is a "daddy's girl" and whatever her father says is BOND.  Her father and I have a good relationship and he is a really good grandfather to our three children (we have two girls and one boy), but I constantly feel like I'm standing in his shadows.  When I do something, like make a large purchase, she second guesses me and goes behind my back and calls her father. I only know this because when her father and I talk, he mentions it to me.  For instance, I got a new mini-van for my family, since the girls are enrolled in dance and our son is playing soccer.  She talked to her father about it and he suggested (through my wife) that I should have gotten a Honda Odyssey instead of the Chrysler Town & Country.  How do I politely put my father in law in his place and not cause a riff between us? 

Signed,
J.R.B of Dallas, Texas

The last time I heard of someone named JR from Dallas, I was watching an ABC television series.  And those damn "Ewings" had more family drama than I care to remember.  Before you think about putting your father in law in check, you need to have a serious conversation with your wife.  She is perpetuating her father's control over her life and allowing it to extend to your life and thus, the decisions you are making for your family.

Now, give the man credit, most women don't have a father to get loving advice from. And I'm sure the man doesn't mean any harm. He just wants the best for his daughter and his grandchildren.  And actually, for you as well.

JRB, when you took your wife's hand in marriage, and promised to love, honor and cherish her, you also took on the role as leader.  You know that, the pastor knows that, but does your wife know it? It's her job to cut the controlling ties that her father has on her life.  If she continues to let him pull the strings and second guess you, you are going to always be looking over your shoulder.  And you can't look ahead if you're always looking behind you.

Hell, if your father in law wants you to have a Honda, you tell him to put up the money for it.  But as long as you're paying the bills in that house and working every day to take care of his daughter and his grandchildren, then you're going to make the decisions at your address...

OK, let Uncle Kathy calm down.  Relax, relate, release!!!  (I'm dealing with this right now, my girlfriend's mother tried to find me a job because she doesn't think I make enough money working for myself.) 

Back to my original point:  This ain't even between you and him, it's between you and your wife.  You need to put her in check so that she can stop telling her daddy your business. And she also needs to let her father know that his suggestions are not welcome if they undercut your authority as the man of your household.  And if she can't understand that, then you have a serious problem.

Because if you don't put your wife in check now, then later on, it'll be a friend of hers, or a co-worker or another family member that has "suggestions" about which car you ought to be driving.  And truth be told, you might want to make sure your wife ain't putting this on her daddy.  Perhaps this is something she really wants and she's saying that her "daddy" suggested it.  Especially if this is a pattern of behavior--Uncle Kathy ain't trying to say your wife is a liar--but I'm sure your father-in-law is man enough to tell you what he has to tell you face-to-face.  So before you get all huffy about him, make sure your wife ain't the one causing trouble to get what she wants.  That's just a suggestion.

What is freedom really? When I came out as a lesbian, some people said "Well, you're free now!"  But I never felt free really. I was always confined to the world's ideas of what a gay woman ought to look like or dress like--hell, some people even had assumptions of what I should smell like.  I don't wear men's cologne, I prefer a softer fragrance, even if I can change the oil on a car and tune up a transmission--I still enjoy a set of pearls every now and gain to go with a fancy pant suit.  That's just Uncle Kathy baby--that's my style. And whether I was gay or straight, that is still who I am.

This week, I got a letter that really touched my heart, more so than the other dozen or so e-mails I received asking for advice. This woman wanted to know about freedom and how she could get it:

Uncle Kathy,

Glad you're finally back.  We waited for you to get it together in Baltimore, and now it seems you've done that. I was actually waiting for you to come back because I had a question.  I'm really thinking about taking that leap of faith and starting my own business. Because I really want the freedom to be my own boss. Right now, I feel like a modern day slave. I hate my job.  I make good money, but it's not what's in my heart to do.  Someone pays me a salary and tells me what to think, how to think and when to talk and when to speak.  I can't express my own views and it's my job to enforce the company's mandates and bylaws, even if I don't actually agree with them.  I really want to quit, but in this economy, I just can't get up the nerve.

Signed,
Freedom

Well, Freedom, let Uncle Kathy lay something on you: until you die, you are never going to truly be free.  Even when you start your own business, you will be responsible to clients who demand your time and possible prospects who want to put a stick up your butt to make sure your business is worth investing in.  So you go from kissing up to your supervisor for your paycheck to kissing up to investors.  It's six in one hand and half a dozen in the other. It's really a wash. 

Honestly, I remember when Uncle Kathy first started working for herself, I was afraid, because I didn't have that security of knowing where my next check is coming from.  But, the harder I worked and the more I prayed, the better things got. It's going to be rough at first, but if you're willing to roll up your sleeves and put some muscle behind that plow, then you can do it. 

But do your homework. The market is tough right now. If you're thinking of opening a coffee shop, you might want to hold off.  Hell, if Starbucks is closing down, you don't stand a chance!  People don't have the disposable income they once did, so frills like going out to dinner and picking up a hot cup of coffee before going to work every day is O.U.T.!  So do your research and also save for a rainy day. Uncle Kathy remembers back when I first started out, it stormed on my black butt.  And that "rainy day money" came in handy.

So it's going to take 1) planning; 2) planning; 3) prayer; 4) preparation and 5) persistence.  OK, that's all the P words Uncle Kathy can think of, but you get the picture.

Darling, I don't know how to tell you this no other way: Until you die, you ain't never gonna be free.  You are going to be beholden to the boss man, the investor, the mortgage company--you'll have to answer to somebody. Unless you're Oprah!

OK, I want to first apologize to my niece and thank her for being patient with Uncle Kathy.  It's been more than 10 years since I had a relationship like this in my life, and I forgot how overpowering love can be. I haven't even called to check on my mother in a few days. It wasn't until one of my sisters called and asked me "Have you checked on momma? She's having knee surgery!" that I snapped back to my senses. 

So let me say I'm sorry to Sheletta. And I want to thank her for being patient with me.  and thank you all who enjoy reading Uncle Kathy's weekly advice column.  Thank you readers (Keith, Wendy, my nephew-in-law Shawn, etc.) for being patient with me as well.  I've crawled from underneath my rock and I'm trying to strike a healthy balance of love, family and work--which is easier said than done.

Alright, enough with all the pleasantries, Uncle Kathy is back and I'm kicking ass and taking names.  Two weeks ago, I got an e-mail note from a young lady who says she's trying to figure out if her favorite nephew is gay.  She wants to ask him but doesn't know quite how to approach the situation, and she wants Uncle Kathy's advice. 

Dear Uncle Kathy,

Thank you first, for being so open and honest about your lifestyle.  I am sure it was easy for your family members to adapt once you told them the truth.  At least you didn't try to hide it like some people I know. My nephew is 35 years old and I think he may be gay.  He has been living with his best friend for 6 or 7 years, and his best friend is a man.  They do everything together, go on vacations, plan family functions and spend the holidays together.  Neither one of them has any children and I've never seen them with female friends.  They try to act macho, but I believe they are lovers. I want to ask my nephew about it, but I'm not sure where to start.  I'm sure, you had family that approached you, so I want to know what's the best way to do it coming from my situation. 

Signed, Confused

Today, when gay marriages were granted in California, I received a barrage of e-mails from you blog readers asking me my opinion about whether or not I agree with the state ruling.  Let Uncle Kathy tell you, gay people are just like straight people, they meet, fall in love and want to spend the rest of their lives together.  Yeah, we gay people are just as stupid as everyone else.

I don't knock anyone from getting married, gay or straight, but it ain't for Uncle Kathy. I've been married once and it ended badly.  Let's just say when I asked for a divorce, she already had the papers drawn up and all I had to do was sign them. We were both tired of each other and needed to move on with our lives.

Uncle Kathy declared then and there that she'd never be married again.  But I don't knock any person, regardless of their sexual preference, who wants to settle down with their soul mate and spending the rest of their lives with them.

I firmly believe that is a personal decision, marriage I am talking about.  My marriage has nothing to do with you and your marriage has nothing to do with me.  So I don't understand why so many people are outraged at gay marriages being legalized.  It's not like they are letting a bunch of criminal sex offenders out of jail; or allowing pedophiles to teach kindergarten. This is a situation where two consenting adults decide they love each other enough to legalize their union. 

And legalize is the key word in all this.  The wedding is just a symbolic ceremony, but when you allow gay partners to legally wed, it allows the two people a certain amount of protection from outsiders (nosy friends and family who want to take over in the case of sickness or death).  Plus that, it's easier to own property together, draw up wills, and get benefits. 

Now whose business is that except the two people who are involved in the marriage?

And a lot of people say "Well, it isn't in the Bible."  It also says "Thou shalt not lie." but how many of us tell a little one here and there to get through the day?  A sin is a sin is a sin!  And doesn't God forgive us all at the end of the day anyway?  No spiritual infraction is bigger than the other one--and if I'm committing a sin by loving someone with all my heart, then so be it.  It's the way I feel and God knows my heart.

So, to all the people who e-mailed me today and wanted to know my opinion on gay marriages being legalized in California, Uncle Kathy says it's about time, those men and women love one another and they have every right to be together, regardless of their sexual preference.  They just want to be happy, and isn't that one of the principles this country was founded on?  Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness!

You narrow minded people out there who think otherwise need to do one thing: MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS!  Take care of you and yours and leave ours alone.  We don't tell you who to love, don't tell us who we can love.  If you don't like it, turn off the television, pull your shades down and close your eyes, because that is the only way you are going to escape it.  We're here, we're queer and we aren't going anywhere.

And if next week, you've got a question you want me to answer or a problem you want Uncle Kathy to solve, send my niece an e-mail at sheletta@msn.com.  If your problem is selected, we will be sure and send you a gift from Sheletta's Shop (and not no cheap ass coaster either)!

And just an F-Y-I, Keith, brother you're in DC, I'm in Baltimore, you ain't but a stone's throw from an ass whooping. You're going to stop all that damn snitching! I got an e-mail from my niece telling me that you informed her that I hadn't logged on and done my blog.  Don't make me run up on you brother! (I appreciate your faithfulness)

Old Uncle Kathy got snitched on. I saw you guys last week, telling Sheletta on me like she can whip somebody.  Let me remind you that when my niece was in third or second grade, hell I can't remember when, I had to pull a cripple girl off her.  And that girl was stomping her ass in the ground.  She called me huffing and puffing about what she was going to do to me if I didn't write my column this week. So I had to remind her about her inability to fight and my record of kicking ass. That conversation was over quickly.

But thank you guys for being patient with Uncle Kathy. It's been a real transition going from Texas to Baltimore.  I found a new job and I'm learning the city real well.  And my lady love is taking good care of me.  So I'm blessed.

OK, I know you didn't log on to hear all that, you want me to dish out some good old fashioned advice to someone in need. Well, let me tell you, this week's gal is in need of some numb chucks and a set of brass knuckles.  Her co workers are walking around the office waiting to stab her in the back and she needs Uncle Kathy's help to figure out what to do...

Dear Uncle Kathy,

I started a new job where I'm in sales. I've never been in sales, don't know anything about sales, but it was all I could find after I was let go from my previous employer. Problem is, the guy that's training me is also trying to steal my clients right from underneath me.  We'll be in a meeting and I'm trying to make my pitch and here he comes, with his years of experience, making his pitch to the client that I've brought to the table. His main job is observation and just to sit in with me to make sure I'm doing my job right, but he is taking over my meetings.  I found out just how sneaky he was when I called a client last week to follow up on a meeting and he told me that he ha already talked to my co worker.  He went on to tell me that this guy had called him and set up a follow up appointment without me knowing it.  I've only been at this job since April, and I'm ready to act a fool and hit this guy upside the head.  Uncle Kathy, I need your help!

Baby, I'd kick his ass. That's just plain and simple!  I'd kick his ass and get fired and let him have the clients.  But with gas at $4.09 a gallon, I know you need your job. You probably got kids to feed.  But that just  makes my blood boil. That is just dirty and under handed and just plain old wrong.  That's when you start putting people's cars on flat in the company parking lot right there.

The little bit of Christian in me says pray for him. But the whole lot of devil in me says beat the hell out of him and teach him a lesson!

I guess you have a choice to make.  Do you want to stay at this job? Because they put this man in charge of you knowing that he is a liar and a thief. That says a lot about the company you're working for if they got someone like him in a position of authority.

What you want to do is learn all you can from him, and then cut your ties. Don't let him know who you are meeting with and have your appointments at off-site locations. Don't bring him along and let your boss, his boss know what your plans are.  Don't rock the boat just yet, because you've only been there for a few months; this guy has been there a few years, so they'd be more inclined to take his word over yours.  But cut your ties with him, let your boss know you're ready to go on your own, and start having your meetings outside of the company! Don't bring no potential clients there if you can help it.  And if you need his help, ask for it, but don't tell him who it's for. 

And if he keeps getting out of line and you're in the Baltimore area, Uncle Kathy is listed.  I'll take care of him much better than you ever could!

OK, so why didn't somebody snitch before now?  I'm too undone with er'rebody who reads the website and knows that Uncle Kathy is supposed to post every Tuesday at 2 o'clock in the afternoon with her advice column!

You non-confrontational white folks got my blood boiling!  So my webmaster calls me today and says "Umh, I don't mean to taddle, but Uncle Kathy hasn't posted her advice column in three weeks, and I don't see anything in the hopper for today.  Can you shoot her an e-mail?"

"No!" I told him, "I'll just shoot her!"

He knew good and darn well Uncle Kathy was 'posed to post her column, and the moment he saw she wasn't doing her job, he should have jacked her up.  And if he was scared of her (which he should be), then he should have told me immediately!

And all of y'all, who read daily--Wendy, Keith, Craig, Parker, MC Hammer... y'all saw that Uncle Kathy wasn't keeping up and nobody snitched.

It wasn't until I got an e-mail from a daily reader named Robert in Atlanta saying how much he missed her columns that I realized Uncle Kathy wasn't living up to her end of the bargain.

Needless to say, I just got finished putting my foot down her throat and tap-dancing on her liver!  Now that we're done cussing each other out, making up, and laughing about the blog that will become of the moment, she'll be back next week with her "Uncle Kathy Knows Best" column.

And if y'all notice that she ain't doing her job--I need you to snitch right away!

I'm from the old school of thought, that "don't ask don't tell" theory that means "keep your m-f-ing mouth shut".  When I was a young girl, we'd see things going on all the time, this was the 1950s and 1960s I'm talking about.  Cops would beat people up for no reason, just because of the racial climate.  It was a really bad time in our country and I didn't just see it on television, I witnessed it.  So, I was raised to keep mum at all times, especially when talking to the boys in blue.  Because the cops, not the drug dealers or the hustlers, were who we were most afraid of.

And that transferred into a distrust of any authority figure, whether it was a police officer or a supervisor or a preacher.  If you were "in charge" of something, baby, Uncle Kathy ain't have but two words for you "Hello" and "Good bye".  And on pay day Fridays, if you were the boss, I'd add a third word "Thank you". 

So I could identify with this one brother from Baltimore who e-mailed me looking for some help:

Uncle K:

I just need your advice on what I should do, because I'm bashing my head against the wall here. I'm the team lead for my division and there are three girls who work in my department.  These young ladies and I all share the same responsibility, I'm not their supervisor or anything, but I do have to report to my boss about what they are doing and how they are performing.  I've worked with these ladies for several years now, but lately, their work performance is at an all time low.  They leave to get their hair done when the boss is out, they take long lunch breaks, when they are at their desk, they're on the phone.  And I don't mind as long as they get the work done, but now, the work is suffering and I'm pulling double duty to cover their shortcomings.  I want to inform management, but I don't want to be labeled a snitch.  I've gone to them and told them about my concerns, but they brushed me off.  I've been documenting everything and I'm ready to go to my boss, but I know that times are hard and jobs aren't as easy to come by as they used to be. 

Thanks for your help. 

K. from Baltimore, MD

I would cuss them heffas out if I were you, but that's just Uncle Kathy being mad.  I can't believe these ungrateful heffas. You went to them and told them they were wrong, first off, they knew they were wrong when they left work to get their weave done.  That's some $hit they are supposed to do on weekends or when they get off from work, not while they are on the clock and surely not while the supervisor is out. But you know what they say, when the boss is away, the workers will play...

You done already went to them baby, and tried to be nice about it.  Now usually, I keep things to myself. I ain't never went to talk to no supervisor about nothing at no time in my life.  And what I'm about to tell you to do I've never done and this goes totally against everything I believe in.  But in your case, I need to make an exception because if you don't put a stop to this, you are going to be working 12 hour shifts just to try and cover for the work that they ain't doing.

Uncle Kathy can tell you're torn about this, cause otherwise you wouldn't have reached out to me. And I can tell you is also all about your business because you have been "documenting" what they've been doing. 

So, get your documents, your paper trail and your clip board. Head into your boss' office and lay it down.  You gave these ungrateful heffas a chance to change and it ain't get nothing but worse.  You have to nip this in the bud!

Now, if these women are as ghetto as I am, they already know it's coming and they've practiced cussing you out about 400 times already.  They might try something real niggerish like putting your tires on flat or laxatives in your coffee. So be prepared for some backlash or a broken jaw bone.  Be on the look out for anything these heffas might try to throw at you.  Don't be surprised if they fight dirty. 

Times are tight right now. Everybody is feeling the crunch at the gas pump and in the grocery store and at the shopping malls.  I got sticker shock when I went form Texas (where bread has climbed to $1.99) to Baltimore (where the same damn bread is on sale at $3.00 a loaf).  At first only poor folks were affected by this economy, but now rich people are feeling the pinch too--my girlfriend's boss man is having to park his yacht cause boat fuel is so high!  Oh, I feel sorry for him (he'd better hope I don't rob his a$$ at the company Christmas party this year).

But part of the problem is that people can't live within their means.  If you know you only make $20,000 a year, then don't spend $40,000, even if they DO give you a line of credit.  Cut back on impulse shopping, Buy generic groceries--that $hit is all the same anyway--they just put it in different packages and charge you more.  How many times are we going to see news stories were the expensive bottled water is just straight tout the tap, or worse, the damn toilet. Get you a filter, pay $35 once, and stop buying that expensive bottled water. I can guarantee you they did not drive up to the Colorado Rockies to capture the streams of flowing water coming down from a mountain.  That $hit came from the same stream in your town that the city uses to keep your lawn green. 

That's why I was so disturbed to get this week's letter about a woman whose best friend is planning a million dollar wedding on a welfare budget--then she got the nerve to want her friends to help.  Check this $hit out:

Uncle Kathy,

If you could help me with a dilemma I'm facing I would greatly appreciate it.  My college girlfriend, who I've known for at least fifteen, going on sixteen years, is finally getting married.  She met the man of her dreams and they are settling down in Seattle to start their new life together.  She is a social worker, which is what she's always wanted to do, but it doesn't pay a heck of a lot of money.  He's a blue collar guy, works at some sort of plant or factory.  They aren't rich, but they are making ends meet.  The guy is wonderful, he's not the problem--it's her and this wedding.  She's on a shoe-string budget, but she's trying to have one of those big elaborate Star Jones weddings.  She's got a planner and everything!  Last I checked, the budget for the wedding had ballooned to five figures, excluding the wedding dress.  I wasn't going to get in her business because she's old enough to know better; but the other day I received my invitation in the mail.  Included in the invite was a form for people to make a monetary donation toward paying for wedding expenses. I thought What the Fuck? If you can't afford it just don't do it!  I wasn't going to send her a dime, but now she's following up with phone calls asking for money.  At this point, what do I do?

K.G. from Denver

Oh no she didn't!  OK, you done ran Uncle Kathy's blood pressure hot!  You mean to tell me your friend is barely scraping by (like most of us, that ain't nothing to be shamed of) but she wants to not only spend all her money, but all your money TOO on her damned wedding.  Baby, I ain't never heard of no $hit like this in my  life!  If she ain't got the money to get it done, it won't get done.  And if you send her a dollar, you're a damned fool for doing so.  First of all, if you in Denver and she's in Seattle, you gotta buy a plane ticket to get to the wedding, you have to find a hotel and rent a car.  That's money right there out the window.  Now she wants you to fund her elaborate ceremony. 

In the words of the great philosopher Whitney Houston: Oh Hell to the No!

I can make this short and sweet K.G.: First, you tell your so-called friend the truth. That her ass is too old to be having a big old fancy wedding.  She graduated from college more than a decade ago, which means she's old enough to know that if she waited this long to get married, she needs to take her ass to the court house and then have a bar-b-que in big momma's back yard and call it a day!  A big fancy wedding ain't nothing more than a way to try to impress people who really don't like you anyway!  And secondly, find some kind of way to help her understand that she has to live the day after this wedding is over. Them bills she got ain't going away, they're still going to be there. And if she's struggling now, add a $30,000 wedding tab on top of that, and she's living in the poor house!  I don't care if you have to write it down and make her a spread sheet! Find a way to show her that this ain't economically feasible.  And talk to her husband-to-be as well.  Maybe he can talk some sense into her.  Finally, send her the invitation RSVP back with a note attached that says "I feed the needy and not the greedy."!

Fairy tale wedding are for soap operas and rich folks with money to burn!  Anybody over the age of 30 should know better!

I got one brother, Timmy.  I loves Timmy with all my heart.  When we were growing up he was the best big brother in the world. He had six sisters, so you know growing up was hard for him with all those girls in the house, but he handled it well.  He loved us, made sure if anybody was messing with us, he beat the hell out of them, and if any guys looked at us wrong, all we had to say was "I'm going to tell my brother..." and they knew to back the hell up off of us.

But the one thing I admire most about my brother is that he takes care of his kids. He and his wife Diane have three beautiful babies, two daughters and one son (who looks just like Timmy's ass for the world).  My brother has done everything from working at a bakery to exterminating houses--at the same damn time--to take care of his kids.  (I hope he ain't put no rat poison in the sour dough bread on accident.)   He'll hold two or three jobs to make sure they don't just have what they want, but what they need.

Which is why the e-mail below really got under my skin:

Uncle Kathy, I need your help.  My older brother is 32 years old but he refuses to take care of all of his children.  He has three sets of kids by three different women, but he only takes care of the kids by the baby momma that he lives with now.  I spend time with my six nieces and nephews as much as I can since I don't have children myself. And for birthdays and holidays, I make sure to go all out, because I know my brother won't do it.  And his kids love him, especially the girls.  But he holds a grudge against the mommas, so he won't spend time with the kids.  I feel so sorry for the kids, because when I see them, they always ask for him, and I continue to make excuses for him. And he has a job, a car, an apartment with this last girl who has two kids for him, but those other kids, he won't even pick them up or take them anywhere. He pays child support and he feels like that's enough.  I've tried talking to him, but he tunes me out.  Is there anything I can do?

Sister in Crisis.

Oh baby, I can feel your pain. Because let me tell you something, my momma raised all of us as a single parent and my daddy didn't lift a finger to help her after they broke up. As long as they were together, he took care of us, but when she put him out for cheating (after she kicked his ass), he walked away and never looked back.  I can only imagine what my life would be like had I had him around on a regular basis encouraging me and my brother and sisters.  He came by not too long ago, before I moved to Baltimore, wanted my momma to fix him some gumbo. She told him to go to hell of course.  Left her with children to raise and ain't lift a finger to help now he wants to show up on the scene after we grown and got kids of our own and want a plate of food. I told her she should have prepared it and peed in it and let him eat it--and to make things even better--sent him home with a to-go Tupperware plate.  But she had just left church and didn't want to block her blessing.  OK, Uncle Kathy done went all off in the family's past, let me get back to your situation.

Your brother is sorry. I don't know how Uncle Kathy can put it other than to say that negro (whether he black, or white, or other, it don't matter).  If you got kids and you a man who ain't handicapped and you ain't taking care of them, somebody ought to handicap your ass!  Cause you ain't worth a buffalo nickle.  Kids need their daddy. Parks is free.  Pools is free.  Hell, the zoo don't cost but $2 damn dollars. He could pick those kids up once a month and spend time with them and it wouldn't cost him much.  But he is selfish and sorry and trifling.  I hope Uncle Kathy ain't offending you, but sometimes, you just gotta call a spade a spade.  And that negro is the ace of spades!

This is a sore spot with Uncle Kathy as you can see. What I would advise you to do is get your momma, if she is still living, involved and you sit down with your brother and talk to him about what he's doing and how it's hurting those children.  Because your brother seems to think it's still about him, and it's not, it's about those kids. 

You can also plan stuff at your momma's house and have all the kids come over, then invite your brother, that'll force that shifty rascal to spend time with the children. Hopefully, one or two of those Sunday dinners at momma's with the kids will make him want to spend more time with him.

And if none of that works, put that negro in a head lock and beat some sense into him.  If you can't fight, call Uncle Kathy, I ain't beat up a man in years. I might be a little rusty, but I bet I can take him!

OK, Uncle Kathy is settled in Baltimore and ready for more e-mails. So if you got a situation you need advice on or you need help handling your mother in law (Sheletta, I read that blog about how she is over there kicking your ass, she'd better be glad I ain't closer--otherwise I'd be there to lay down the law!  It's sad, but it's funny too! She told you to stop talking and put some food in your mouth!  Ha ha ha!! Uncle Kathy had to laugh at that one!), e-mail my darling niece at sheletta@msncom and you might get selected for next week's advice column.  In the meantime, stay out of jail (Sheletta, don't you pull the plug on that woman's oxygen!) everybody.

I haven't flown on a plane or been to an airport since before 9-11!  I got to Houston's Intercontinental Airport this morning with my laptop, a few books, a puzzle book (one of the old fashioned kind that ain't so complicated) and a bottle of water.  Things done changed since the last time I was in an airport.  I had to get there three hours early, go through security and they make me take off my shoes, my belt, I had to throw my pocket knife in the trash (Uncle Kathy stays strapped), I had to unhook my keys off my belt loop.  Hell, they went ahead and did a breast exam and checked my prostrate.  Oh it was a process I'm here to tell you. 

For the past decade or so, I've been taking care of my ailing mother, so traveling has been very limited for me--and a plane ride completely out of the question.  But now that I've found love, momma is on her own.  Oh, don't think Uncle Kathy is throwing her to the wolves, I've got five other sisters and a brother who can look after her.  My heart and my lady are in Baltimore, so that's where I'll be stationed from now on.  And don't worry, keep sending the e-mails, Uncle Kathy is here to help. And since I've found love, perhaps I can be the kinder, gentler Uncle that my niece is looking for.

I thought since I was packing, moving and all the other stuff that goes along with that, my niece would give me a week off.  But no such luck.  She called on my cell phone today to inform me that I still had a legion of fans who will be looking for Uncle Kathy's advice column.  I told her that my hard drive had been shipped ahead of me by UPS and that I didn't have access to the couple of hundred e-mails that folks had sent me.

Well, to my surprise, my niece actually had a problem of her own she needed help with:

Uncle K:

I need you to stop thinking about your new life in B-town for a minute and concentrate on helping me for once. You out here solving the world's problems er'rey week and your own damn niece is jammed up by a situation that continues to baffle me.  OK, I've always had white friends.  I probably got more white friends than black ones--not sure how that worked out since I'm blacker than Dick Gregory, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, Sr. combined.  But still I don't understand how white folks operate sometimes.  Particularly when they are mad about something.  When white folks are mad at you, they don't tell you.  They tell everybody BUT you that they are pissed at you and why!  But when they see you, they talk nice, make jokes and everything else.  For instance, my best friend's dad was so pissed at me a few months back, he told his son he was "angry"--yet, when I went to Houston recently, I spent time with my friend's father, we went to lunch together, he played with Andrew and everything.  It was a total shock to me that he was upset with me!  A while back, I went down to Louisiana and found out one of my former co-workers was mad at me for a joke I made, I mean furious--ranting and raving about it all day long at work.  But THEN when I saw him recently, he was all smiles, we laughed about Louisiana gumbo, he held Andrew, we exchanged phone numbers.  What gives?  This is something I ain't used to, cause when black folks are mad at you, they let it be known, to your face, that they are pissed. We pull no punches. You will not be left in the dark, cause we are going to want you to know we're mad.  I was thinking to myself "Dang, is this the way white folks operate?"  I mean, why would you be mad at someone and tell everybody except the person that you're mad at? Why stir up all that drama and confusion when you can just go directly to the person and say "Hey, you pissed me off!"?  And then you're done with it.

Explain it to me Uncle K,

Letta

Well niecey, I don't know much 'bout white folks. I gotta tell you.  So I had to call in help on this one.  I used to work with white folks when I was employed as a physical therapist at the hospital; and that's about it.  That's back before I started taking care of momma--but I haven't had white friends that I can speak of.  Not that I didn't want a white friend, I just grew up in a black neighborhood, went to an all black school (both high school and college) and my reality has always been black people.  But I did call one of my old co-workers that I keep in touch with and she is white.  She explained it this way, she said white people don't like confrontation. So instead of being all up in your face, they just tell someone else, and that way they get it off their chest.  I guess it's kind of like therapy--tell somebody--talk it out--feel better.  That's why they are able to smile and joke when they see you, because they got their anger out by passing the information along to other co-workers or family members (in those cases you talked about).  So by the time they saw you again, they weren't even mad anymore.  And you know white people are less confrontational than black folks anyway.  Like Ced the Entertainer says, we got that, "I wish a M)(*erF)(&er would..." mentality.  White folks don't have that.  They try to avoid the conflict with people.

So what I would suggest to you is let it go.  And in the future, stop joking so much with white folks that you aren't too sure about.  Black folks take one look at you and we KNOW your ass is crazy and we laugh it off, white folks think you're serious.  They ain't as good at spotting looney tunes as we are!  Either that or what's funny to us ain't always so funny to them.  They get offended at things that we don't get offended about.  So Uncle Kathy said all that to say "WATCH YOUR MOUTH"! 

OK, let Uncle Kathy start out by saying I'm a smoker. I've been smoking since I was in 7th grade at E.O. Smith Junior High School in Houston.  I started earlier than that though, smoking candy cigarettes in the 2nd grade. They were sweet and good, so I couldn't wait until I got older and was able to actually light one up and puff the smoke out of my nose.  Plus, I enjoyed those Joe Camel cartoon billboards and advertisements.  Those damn smoking giants knew what they were doing: targeting kids, get us hooked early, and we'll be smoking for life.

I tried the damn patch and it gave me a rash.  I attempted to use the gum, but the bitter taste gave me an upset stomach.  I event went cold turkey for a full two hours, but after damn near sweating to death and shaking like Mohammad Ali, I went ahead and got my lighter and grabbed my Newports!  For me, it just wasn't worth it.

And anybody who loves Uncle Kathy knows I ain't gonna stop smoking for nobody.  But, this week's lady, who, like myself, is a smoker, wants my advice on what to do--cause her boyfriend doesn't light up at all:

I have a question possibly for Uncle Kathy.  Even though it is somewhat personal.  And, I am afraid of the answer.  I am dating a guy who doesn't smoke, and I do!  Actually, I quit after we dated for two months, and I was smoke free for 4 months, then we broke up and I started again.  We are beginning to talk again so, I am once again going to quit.  He knows about Uncle Kathy's weekly column, and said I should get her take on my dilemma.

Thanks in advance,Puff Puff Pass

I feel like I'm on a bad episode of Maurie Povich after reading this week's request for advice!  After more than a hundred e-mails and comments from people--this sister in the Lone Star State touched my heart!  You guys know Uncle Kathy is born and raised in Houston, so anyone from Texas, I gotta give preferential treatment to.

Sistergirl is dealing with her boyfriend's crazy baby momma and is about as fed up as she can be.  She's been patient, but there comes a time when every woman has to roll up her sleeves, put some Vaseline on her face and kick some ass:

I have to taper my comments this week, otherwise my loving niece might pull the plug on my weekly advice column.  Last week, a woman wrote in needing help on what to do if her husband wasn't "satisfying" her, I told that sister if he ain't putting it down in the bedroom, she should make it known!  And she should tell her husband she is going to find someone to take his spot if he ain't gonna sing lead vocals like he should!

Everybody came down hard on old Uncle Kathy. So now I have to be kinder and gentler this week--otherwise this might be my last week dishing out advice. Because my dear niece has put me on blog probation.

I love this week's gal.  She's a woman after my own heart--she's kicking a$$ first and THEN taking names. Her husband is trying to pull an Eliot Spitzer move, and she's standing by her man--behind him--with a knife in his back.

Uncle Kathy,

I think I may have a Governor Spitzer going on in my house.  I have already cut up the mattress and cut his ear with the largest butcher knife I could find, I jugged it through the pillow and mattress as he was asleep, and scared the $hit out of him.  That is why I need to go straight GHETTO on him.  I am out of touch with that side of my blackness, all them damn private schools got me twisted.  That's where Uncle Kathy comes in. Can you help me please?

Love
Farah Fawcett & The Burning Bed!

Well Farah, I think you have a good start going. You really don't need Uncle Kathy's help baby.  You've already scared the hell out of him by making him think you're gonna slice a smile in his neck if he doesn't act right--and that's the first part of any healthy relationship: MAKING A M.F. SCARED OF YOU!  You know my philosophy on love is, if you ain't never contemplated killing somebody, you ain't never really loved them!  When you're willing to go to jail for spilling their blood on the sheets, then that's real love.

And I can see that love in your e-mail. 

You want to make things work, otherwise you would have left him by now.  Not sure if you have kids--a lot of times, people stay for the kids! So if you have kids, here is my advice:

I might get banned for this, but what the hell.  You only live once!  Keep scaring his a$$ just like you're doing.  Leave bullet shells from a shotgun on his side of the bed, so that when he goes so sleep, he sees 'em.  When you're fixing dinner, leave rat poisoning in the kitchen on top of the counter, right next to the paprika.  When you make him a cup of coffee in the morning, have the Clorox sitting next to the creamer.  I'm all about putting something on a man's mind.  And he'll think "If I don't act right, this crazy bitch is going to kill me!"  Believe me, he'll be Scared Straight!

If you want Uncle Kathy's expert advice, send my niece an e-mail at sheletta@msn.com or leave me a posted comment because, unless she pulls the plug on me, I'll be here next Tuesday!

Be cool babies, Uncle Kathy signing off.

Let Uncle Kathy tell y'all something--I had to double up on my medicine this past week--'cause y'all done wore me out!  I thought I had problems, but y'all got Uncle Kathy beat.  After my first advice column, I got about 20 or 30 e-mails from folks wanting Uncle Kathy's expertise on how to solve their problems. 

One lady e-mailed me and told me she's still mad at her sister over a damn $20 loan from 1989.  I told her, it must be more than that!  After trading a few e-mails, I figured out she had always been jealous of her sister cause she was twice her sister's size.  So it wasn't about the $20, it was the 120 pound difference between the two of 'em.  So I ain't waste no more time on that one.

But one e-mail touched my heart--and I'm gonna help this sister out today.  It came to me anonymously:

Dear Uncle Kathy,

I would like to remain anonymous.  I am in a dilemma.  I love my Husband so much but I am in need of really being pleasured!  We are like an old married couple!  Don’t get me wrong, we make love often.  But he is so quick, he say he just cant help it! Frankly, it is getting old.  I am always left hanging every single time. How can I get him to slow up and pleasure me more to make me happy?

Thanks for your help,Anonymous

Look here Anonymous, you gotta stand up to your husband and be honest to that negro. I know you love him and you are trying not to hurt his feelings--but if he don't handle up on his business--eventually, somebody else will.  You gots needs and if he ain't recognizing that, then his ass is just being selfish. Let Uncle Kathy just tell it to you like it is, I ain't trying to hurt your feelings, but mens are selfish (that's why I'm batting for the other team--I couldn't deal with their selfish asses NO MORE)!

Your husband gets his, quickly, and turns over to go to sleep.  Ain't that a blip?  Not even asking "Did my wife get hers?"  It ticks me off just thinking about it, and it ain't even me that's getting the "short end of the stick".  He is your husband and sounds like y'all been together a while--he ought to know you well enough to know what turns you "on" and to do just what will excite you in the bedroom (we talkin' grown folks talk now)!

Anonymous, I tell you what, the next time you make love to your husband and he does that selfish shit, get up, put your clothes on and grab your keys and purse--I don't care what time (of the day or night) it is and act like you're walking out the house.  He's gonna ask you "Baby, where are you going?"  And you turn around and tell him, "I gotta go find somebody to finish the job you started!  Cause that's all you did was light the fire.  I need somebody to fan the flames."

After all this time, he gotta know his wife like the back of his hand and gotta know he ain't taking care of his business.  And the fact that he ain't doing nothing about it is just selfish on his part.  He can be a good husband, a good provider--but if he is a bad lover--it's gonna make everything else bad!

Like a child, as long as you let him get away with it, he's gonna do it.  And you're going to be left holding the bag.  Slap that negro upside the hell and tell him to get it together. Otherwise, you're going to be dogged by this unfulfilled reality for the rest of your marriage.  And believe me, if your husband doesn't satisfy you, you're going to always be tempted to stray.  You putting your foot down and demanding him to step up and handle his business in the bedroom will help sustain your marriage in the long run.

And anonymous ain't the only one I'm here to help. Uncle Kathy will be here each and every Tuesday dishing out advice.  If you want my expertise on an issue you're having problems with, e-mail my little niece at sheletta@msn.com and she'll pass it on to Uncle Kathy.  See y'all next Tuesday babies!