Get rich quick schemes, pyramid schemes, and real estate scams that promise instant results are what it's all about!  Folks are looking for money, and fast, to feed their families in these tight economic times.  I can't tell y'all how many times my black ass done circled my local Wells Fargo bank, trying to figure out when the security guard goes on his smoke break so that I can dart in with a friendly note to the teller asking for a speedy withdrawal!

Same holds true for my new weight loss philosophy.  I know I need to do something.  I went from a "small" petite to a regular fat ass chick in less than a year.  My husband was none too happy when I announced that I had to start back wearing my maternity underwear because the regular ones were too tight.

The other day, when I woke up from a nap, he asked "Honey, are those stretch marks on your legs? And cottage cheese on your thighs?"

"No," I waved him off, "I think it's the way the sheets were wrapped around me.  Those are sheet prints.  Because I can't possibly have cottage cheese or stretch marks."

I started rubbing my legs so fast--it looked like I was trying to start a camp fire--hoping that the marks and bullet wounds would go away.  But it didn't--it wasn't the sheets--I knew it wasn't the sheets.  Hell, I saw the bullet wounds in my butt months ago. I just thought somebody did a drive by and I got hit, but the fat consumed the impact and stopped the bullet from penetrating, thus no blood!  But it wasn't a bullet, it was that fried chicken, those fried pork chops, that fried EVERYTHING.  And the daily Twix candy bars and ice cream at night don't help.

I promised myself I'd start working out, but hell, I'm too tired!  And it ain't enough time in the day.  Then, I said I was gonna start eating right, you know, more healthy salads and fruits. But hell, a bag of grapes cost $5, a bag of chicken wings only cost $3: YOU MAKE THE CALL!

I can't afford those expensive diet pills--plus that I don't want the side effects of the acne, runny discharge and loose stool!  Uncontrollable gas ain't flattering either (damned side effects)!

So I was reading People Magazine the other day and came across an article that spoke to the heart of my problem.  This big fat girl was getting ready to be married and she wanted to lose weight quickly.  She got the gastric bypass surgery.  Girlfriend lost two dress sizes in two weeks and by the time her wedding takes place, she will have lost a third grader and a side of beef off her ass!

I was like "Yeah boy, gastric bypass! That's for me!"

My husband laughed so hard, he nearly peed on himself.  He informed me, "If your fat ass can't stop eating, gastric bypass ain't gonna work for you.  Cause after you have the surgery, you have to go into a weight management program and you can hardly eat any food at all.  Just little tea-spoons portions of skinless chicken."

"And where do my daily Twix bar and side helping of ice cream come in to play?" I wanted to know.

"It doesn't," he told me, "you can't do any of that."

He then showed me the diet requirements for folks who've had the gastric bypass surgery, and all the food you CAN'T EAT!  I looked at him and said "Well hell, Shawn, if I could eat like this before the surgery, I would loose the weight and wouldn't need the damn operation."

"EXACTLY!" he yelled out.

Nobody likes a know-it-all!!!!!