I was talking to my best friend Creepa who lives in Louisiana.  He was too disgusted with his wife Karen the other day and had to call me to vent.  The two wed about five years ago and are now the proud parents of two daughters.  I hadn't spoken with Creepa in a while, so I thought and just assumed everything between them was alright. Not that they are getting a divorce or anything, but Creepa is just absolutely pissed at Karen for not telling him her credit was bad when they got married.

I chuckled when he told me about it, "You need to talk to my husband," I warned him, "I might not be the person you need to speak with on this issue. In fact, you and Shawn are going through a similar situation."

"That's some bullshit Sheletta!" Creepa yelled in the phone (he was so loud, Andrew heard him and wound up saying bullshit all day long), "You should have told that man you needed a co-signer on cash.  You can't get a damn loaf of bread on credit and everybody knows it.  You still owe Uncle Sam?"

"Yep!" I responded, "I told Shawn we might as well start filing jointly, and don't expect a refund until 2020.  And I ain't talking about the ABC television news show either."

"Ooh I know he was pissed off," Creepa warned, "but that's alright, at least I feel like I'm not in it by myself. You pretty ass women. I knew I should have gotten me an ugly girl.  Ugly women work hard, got good jobs and good credit.  But no, I was blown away by beauty.  Now I'm stuck with a wife who can't get in-store credit at 7/11!"

Creepa says he didn't find out how bad his wife's credit was until he instructed her to go to Best Buy and get him a new lap top computer.  He works three jobs--and hadn't been able to go to the store to get it himself.  Well, days went by, no lap top.  Then weeks went by--no lap top.  Then at the end of the money, he finally asked his wife where the damn lap top was!  She told him she'd get it for him the next day. Well, she got it alright, girlfriend cut out a photo of it and laid it on his desk with a note that just read "I can't get approved for in-store credit."

My poor friend says he pulled his wife's credit score and it's in the single digits!  She asked him if he could help her fix it to which he replied, "Hell no!  I can't help you fix this shit.  It took you 20 years to get it this bad!  The only way out of this is to either fake your own death or come up with a new identity."

At that point Shawn walked in on our conversation and figured out what was going on.  He yanked the phone from my hand and told Creepa "Man, we need some type of protection. Like a "Lemon Law" for men who marry women who look good on the outside, I mean, the body is fine, been waxed up, new paint job and tires have been properly rotated.  But after careful inspection, you check under the hood, you find out the engine is shot, the transmission needs work and the oil ain't been changed in years!"

I don't know what the hell Creepa told him, but Shawn busted out laughing.  He looked at me and rolled his eyes when he responded, "Yeah man, I think I'm gonna write my congressman and tell him to pass a bill. To hell with the cars and the Lemon Laws. You can get another car, hell, I'll swallow a $7,000 loss when I buy a hooptie.  I don't need the government to protect me from shady car dealers.  But damn it, when I marry a hooptie, then I'm in trouble.  They need to legislate that.  Put a "money back guarantee" on it.  Say you marry your wife, find out her credit is bad and she ain't never paid her bills on time and everybody in her family is renting, including her grandmother--you got 30 days to get out of it--no questions asked."

Shawn was silent then started laughing so hard he was crying. I mean, the boy was literally doubled over in front!  That's when I had just bout all I was gonna take. Everybody in the damn room was laughing except me.  Hell, even Andrew was laughing and pointing at me saying "Lemon", "Mommy, Lemon"! I demanded to know what the hell was so funny at this point. Shawn handed me the phone and Creepa told me, "Man, he is in the same boat I'm in--he's just paddling on the opposite side.  Neither you nor Karen are as sexy as y'all used to be. Coming to bed in rollers, feet crusty, stank breath.  Back when you were on the lot, you were shining like brand new money, now that we done bought you, signed the papers and got you home, we realize all the doors don't match, the windows won't go up all the way in the back and ain't even no damned warranty!  We drove you off the lot 'As Is'."