Get rich quick schemes, pyramid schemes, and real estate scams that promise instant results are what it's all about!  Folks are looking for money, and fast, to feed their families in these tight economic times.  I can't tell y'all how many times my black ass done circled my local Wells Fargo bank, trying to figure out when the security guard goes on his smoke break so that I can dart in with a friendly note to the teller asking for a speedy withdrawal!

Same holds true for my new weight loss philosophy.  I know I need to do something.  I went from a "small" petite to a regular fat ass chick in less than a year.  My husband was none too happy when I announced that I had to start back wearing my maternity underwear because the regular ones were too tight.

The other day, when I woke up from a nap, he asked "Honey, are those stretch marks on your legs? And cottage cheese on your thighs?"

"No," I waved him off, "I think it's the way the sheets were wrapped around me.  Those are sheet prints.  Because I can't possibly have cottage cheese or stretch marks."

I started rubbing my legs so fast--it looked like I was trying to start a camp fire--hoping that the marks and bullet wounds would go away.  But it didn't--it wasn't the sheets--I knew it wasn't the sheets.  Hell, I saw the bullet wounds in my butt months ago. I just thought somebody did a drive by and I got hit, but the fat consumed the impact and stopped the bullet from penetrating, thus no blood!  But it wasn't a bullet, it was that fried chicken, those fried pork chops, that fried EVERYTHING.  And the daily Twix candy bars and ice cream at night don't help.

I promised myself I'd start working out, but hell, I'm too tired!  And it ain't enough time in the day.  Then, I said I was gonna start eating right, you know, more healthy salads and fruits. But hell, a bag of grapes cost $5, a bag of chicken wings only cost $3: YOU MAKE THE CALL!

I can't afford those expensive diet pills--plus that I don't want the side effects of the acne, runny discharge and loose stool!  Uncontrollable gas ain't flattering either (damned side effects)!

So I was reading People Magazine the other day and came across an article that spoke to the heart of my problem.  This big fat girl was getting ready to be married and she wanted to lose weight quickly.  She got the gastric bypass surgery.  Girlfriend lost two dress sizes in two weeks and by the time her wedding takes place, she will have lost a third grader and a side of beef off her ass!

I was like "Yeah boy, gastric bypass! That's for me!"

My husband laughed so hard, he nearly peed on himself.  He informed me, "If your fat ass can't stop eating, gastric bypass ain't gonna work for you.  Cause after you have the surgery, you have to go into a weight management program and you can hardly eat any food at all.  Just little tea-spoons portions of skinless chicken."

"And where do my daily Twix bar and side helping of ice cream come in to play?" I wanted to know.

"It doesn't," he told me, "you can't do any of that."

He then showed me the diet requirements for folks who've had the gastric bypass surgery, and all the food you CAN'T EAT!  I looked at him and said "Well hell, Shawn, if I could eat like this before the surgery, I would loose the weight and wouldn't need the damn operation."

"EXACTLY!" he yelled out.

Nobody likes a know-it-all!!!!!

Snoop Dogg himself wasn't busted. But two people on the rapper's tour bus did get popped for pot. Authorities in Texas say the tour bus carrying the rap star was pulled over and two people were arrested on pot possession charges. The bust took place just a few hours before Snoop was to do a concert in Dallas.  An official with the Texas Department of Public Safety says a commercial vehicle inspection team pulled the bus over because the vehicle had an expired registration sticker. The official says troopers searched the bus after they smelled marijuana -- and their search turned up two ounces of the drug. Ethan Calhoun and Kevin Barkey were arrested on drug charges after admitting that the drugs belonged to him. Both were jailed and released after posting bond. They face fines up to $2,000 and six months in jail if convicted.

It may turn out to be a key bit of evidence in the O.J. Simpson armed robbery and kidnapping case. And the judge handling the matter says he wants to hear a tape that may help sway the case in the former football star's favor. Clark County District Court Judge Jackie Glass says he wants to hear a tape from a man claims to have an audio recording that contradicts testimony a witness gave in a preliminary hearing in the case. Michael McClinton testified that Simpson told him to bring guns to a confrontation with two sports memorabilia dealers at a Las Vegas casino hotel last fall. A lawyer says the tape in question contradicts at least some of McClinton's testimony, but the lawyer isn't saying what parts may be called into question. Simpson is accused of organizing an armed posse to collect memorabilia from the two dealers. Simpson claims no guns were displayed and that he never asked anyone to bring guns to the room -- and that the items recovered belonged to him in the first place.

A kinder, gentler Bill Cosby? Maybe, if his comments at a town meeting in Baltimore are any indication. The comedian and actor urged people in Baltimore to empower themselves and nurture their children. But during his comments yesterday, he dialed back the scolding tone that has drawn criticism from some black leaders. In the past, Cosby has scolded members of the black community for not doing enough to help their children become productive members of society. But his comments yesterday were mostly positive and he didn't chastise parents. He even chose the Sly and the Family Stone song "You Can Make It If You Try" to punctuate his less confrontational message.

I was talking to my best friend Creepa who lives in Louisiana.  He was too disgusted with his wife Karen the other day and had to call me to vent.  The two wed about five years ago and are now the proud parents of two daughters.  I hadn't spoken with Creepa in a while, so I thought and just assumed everything between them was alright. Not that they are getting a divorce or anything, but Creepa is just absolutely pissed at Karen for not telling him her credit was bad when they got married.

I chuckled when he told me about it, "You need to talk to my husband," I warned him, "I might not be the person you need to speak with on this issue. In fact, you and Shawn are going through a similar situation."

"That's some bullshit Sheletta!" Creepa yelled in the phone (he was so loud, Andrew heard him and wound up saying bullshit all day long), "You should have told that man you needed a co-signer on cash.  You can't get a damn loaf of bread on credit and everybody knows it.  You still owe Uncle Sam?"

"Yep!" I responded, "I told Shawn we might as well start filing jointly, and don't expect a refund until 2020.  And I ain't talking about the ABC television news show either."

"Ooh I know he was pissed off," Creepa warned, "but that's alright, at least I feel like I'm not in it by myself. You pretty ass women. I knew I should have gotten me an ugly girl.  Ugly women work hard, got good jobs and good credit.  But no, I was blown away by beauty.  Now I'm stuck with a wife who can't get in-store credit at 7/11!"

Creepa says he didn't find out how bad his wife's credit was until he instructed her to go to Best Buy and get him a new lap top computer.  He works three jobs--and hadn't been able to go to the store to get it himself.  Well, days went by, no lap top.  Then weeks went by--no lap top.  Then at the end of the money, he finally asked his wife where the damn lap top was!  She told him she'd get it for him the next day. Well, she got it alright, girlfriend cut out a photo of it and laid it on his desk with a note that just read "I can't get approved for in-store credit."

My poor friend says he pulled his wife's credit score and it's in the single digits!  She asked him if he could help her fix it to which he replied, "Hell no!  I can't help you fix this shit.  It took you 20 years to get it this bad!  The only way out of this is to either fake your own death or come up with a new identity."

At that point Shawn walked in on our conversation and figured out what was going on.  He yanked the phone from my hand and told Creepa "Man, we need some type of protection. Like a "Lemon Law" for men who marry women who look good on the outside, I mean, the body is fine, been waxed up, new paint job and tires have been properly rotated.  But after careful inspection, you check under the hood, you find out the engine is shot, the transmission needs work and the oil ain't been changed in years!"

I don't know what the hell Creepa told him, but Shawn busted out laughing.  He looked at me and rolled his eyes when he responded, "Yeah man, I think I'm gonna write my congressman and tell him to pass a bill. To hell with the cars and the Lemon Laws. You can get another car, hell, I'll swallow a $7,000 loss when I buy a hooptie.  I don't need the government to protect me from shady car dealers.  But damn it, when I marry a hooptie, then I'm in trouble.  They need to legislate that.  Put a "money back guarantee" on it.  Say you marry your wife, find out her credit is bad and she ain't never paid her bills on time and everybody in her family is renting, including her grandmother--you got 30 days to get out of it--no questions asked."

Shawn was silent then started laughing so hard he was crying. I mean, the boy was literally doubled over in front!  That's when I had just bout all I was gonna take. Everybody in the damn room was laughing except me.  Hell, even Andrew was laughing and pointing at me saying "Lemon", "Mommy, Lemon"! I demanded to know what the hell was so funny at this point. Shawn handed me the phone and Creepa told me, "Man, he is in the same boat I'm in--he's just paddling on the opposite side.  Neither you nor Karen are as sexy as y'all used to be. Coming to bed in rollers, feet crusty, stank breath.  Back when you were on the lot, you were shining like brand new money, now that we done bought you, signed the papers and got you home, we realize all the doors don't match, the windows won't go up all the way in the back and ain't even no damned warranty!  We drove you off the lot 'As Is'."