Half this list is Shawn's and the other half is mine. We love Houston, Lord knows we do, but we could never live here, as a married couple and survive. Thus, inspiring this week's top 10! Top 10 reasons Shawn and I can't live in Houston.
Shawn's list
10. It's hot!
9. It's still hot! It's hotter than fish grease on Good Friday at a Catholic church! This heat has me hallucinating like I took acid with a hit a meth on top of it. I'm having bad dreams, hearing voices, hell, even my wife looks thinner. Now I know I'm going crazy!
8. They won't let me walk around naked so that I can air out. Putting clothes on in this heat is like wrapping myself in plastic. I'm baking just walking from the front door of the house to the car! And speaking of cars, you'd better crack a window, because if you don't--and you attempt to get in--in all this heat--you'll get 3rd degree burns and the skin on the back of your legs will be bubbling up!
7. There ain't no anti-persperant or deodorant that can withstand up to a heat index of +400 degrees Fahrenheit.
6. You can whip up eggs, milk, sugar, butter, flour and vanilla extract in a bunt pan at about 8:00 a.m. and put it out on the porch at 8:05, and eat pound cake by 9:00 a.m. It's that damn hot outside!
Sheletta's List
5. Too much damn family! I got fifteen cousins, dozens of nieces and nephews and a momma and a daddy and umpteen aunts. Let's not count out all the cuzins, the three grand mommas who ain't never gonna die and let's just say we can have a family reunion with 50 relatives with one phone call! That's too much damn family in one spot!
4. There are too many pretty women here. My husband can't have that much temptation. Women in Minnesota ain't half as pretty as the women in Texas. I offered my husband a night on a town with his home-boys while I stayed here and watched Andrew, his response was "That's too much temptation. I don't know if I'm ready for that!"
3. My husband is too irritable in the heat--neither he nor Andrew can stomach these kinds of temperatures. We all went to the park yesterday, Andrew came home with a heat rash and Shawn came home with an attitude. He was so hot, that it looked like somebody had poured water on him--that's how hard he was sweating. My momma was like "Ooh my goodness, what's wrong with Shawn." I told her, "He's pissed cause it's hot outside!"
2. I didn't realize grand mommas spoiled kids so much. Andrew is now an avid television watcher and will look at me and say "Momma, watch cartoons." Y'all know before we got here, the boy ain't even know what a damn cartoon was. I tried to instruct him, "Andrew, no television." Child, before I could put the "O" on "NO", momma had put it on the cartoons, sat him down to watch and turned up the volume. Andrew is singing Blues Clues and asking to see Little Bill! And looking at me with his tongue out daring me to talk as if to say "Now, say something! My grand momma is here and she'll beat the hell out of you!"
1. I can't do another 2 year old birthday party with my crazy a$$ kin folks. I love 'em all, I really do, but they don't know how to leave a child's birthday party. Andrew's birthday celebration started at 2 in the afternoon, the last guest left at midnight. Needless to say, after being in the heat 10 hours, I'm back in a size 4!
