Yes, I do want a pat on the back for doing my damned job.  I know, I know, that's niggerish.  See, I'm required to do one web post a week on Tuesday's with my advice column. Somehow, before I got into a relationship, this was easy to do.  Now, with a lady love and a demanding work schedule, Uncle Kathy is busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.  I love you guys, Uncle Kathy really has grown fond of everyone who reads the website and sends me notes on a regular basis, but you all are going to have to be patient with me as Stella gets her groove back. I'm almost there! My deadline is 2 p.m. every day, so this week, and last week, I was a little tardy.  But I'm here.

OK, on to the job at hand. Uncle Kathy received notes from a few folks this week that needed my help.  Some of them I responded to personally, but this one I felt like I had to share with everyone. Especially since it's something I'm dealing with IN-LAWS. 

Dear Uncle Kathy,

My wife and I have been married for seven years now, and no matter what I do, it's never good enough because it doesn't measure up to her father.  She is a "daddy's girl" and whatever her father says is BOND.  Her father and I have a good relationship and he is a really good grandfather to our three children (we have two girls and one boy), but I constantly feel like I'm standing in his shadows.  When I do something, like make a large purchase, she second guesses me and goes behind my back and calls her father. I only know this because when her father and I talk, he mentions it to me.  For instance, I got a new mini-van for my family, since the girls are enrolled in dance and our son is playing soccer.  She talked to her father about it and he suggested (through my wife) that I should have gotten a Honda Odyssey instead of the Chrysler Town & Country.  How do I politely put my father in law in his place and not cause a riff between us? 

Signed,
J.R.B of Dallas, Texas

The last time I heard of someone named JR from Dallas, I was watching an ABC television series.  And those damn "Ewings" had more family drama than I care to remember.  Before you think about putting your father in law in check, you need to have a serious conversation with your wife.  She is perpetuating her father's control over her life and allowing it to extend to your life and thus, the decisions you are making for your family.

Now, give the man credit, most women don't have a father to get loving advice from. And I'm sure the man doesn't mean any harm. He just wants the best for his daughter and his grandchildren.  And actually, for you as well.

JRB, when you took your wife's hand in marriage, and promised to love, honor and cherish her, you also took on the role as leader.  You know that, the pastor knows that, but does your wife know it? It's her job to cut the controlling ties that her father has on her life.  If she continues to let him pull the strings and second guess you, you are going to always be looking over your shoulder.  And you can't look ahead if you're always looking behind you.

Hell, if your father in law wants you to have a Honda, you tell him to put up the money for it.  But as long as you're paying the bills in that house and working every day to take care of his daughter and his grandchildren, then you're going to make the decisions at your address...

OK, let Uncle Kathy calm down.  Relax, relate, release!!!  (I'm dealing with this right now, my girlfriend's mother tried to find me a job because she doesn't think I make enough money working for myself.) 

Back to my original point:  This ain't even between you and him, it's between you and your wife.  You need to put her in check so that she can stop telling her daddy your business. And she also needs to let her father know that his suggestions are not welcome if they undercut your authority as the man of your household.  And if she can't understand that, then you have a serious problem.

Because if you don't put your wife in check now, then later on, it'll be a friend of hers, or a co-worker or another family member that has "suggestions" about which car you ought to be driving.  And truth be told, you might want to make sure your wife ain't putting this on her daddy.  Perhaps this is something she really wants and she's saying that her "daddy" suggested it.  Especially if this is a pattern of behavior--Uncle Kathy ain't trying to say your wife is a liar--but I'm sure your father-in-law is man enough to tell you what he has to tell you face-to-face.  So before you get all huffy about him, make sure your wife ain't the one causing trouble to get what she wants.  That's just a suggestion.