about our weekly soap opera As The Down Low Brother Turns!  It updates every Thursday right here on Sheletta.com and has more twists and turns than big momma's Sunday stockings!  So check out all the action of Richard Clarkson in his quest to lead a double lifestyle by clicking here or go to the left hand side of the page and scroll down to the "Down Low Brother Soap Opera" tagline.

This blog entry was written last year, on the day of the I-35 Bridge collapse:

Life is so precious y'all. When I leave this television station I'm going to go home and hug my baby boy and make passionate love to my husband.

I've never had anything like this to happen to me--so close to my home--right in my back  yard.

Shawn and I were sitting in the living room--I could tell he was stressed out from work and being married to me is enough to drive any man crazy--so he was really on edge.  I told him "Baby, we've had dinner--go on down to your office in the basement--take a beer--get you I-pod--kick back and just take your mind off the world.  Shoots, pull up some porn if you have to."

I was rocking Andrew to sleep--he had a trying day as well--we're going from baby food to solids and then we're trying to make sure he goes back into his bed--cause we've been on vacation damn near the whole month of July--so he's been sleeping in the bed with us--and we're having the hardest time getting him to sleep in his own bed--so he ain't slept much--which means we ain't slept much either!

So Shawn is operating off about 30 minutes of sleep--I'm worn out--Andrew is sleeping and hungry--and all we got is Brisco, Green and Fontana on Law and Order to keep us entertained.  We don't do much television at my crib--but we were so tired--we let the lul of the courtroom drama rock us to sleep.

When Shawn headed down to the basement to escape life--Andrew and I just sat in the family room--everybody chillin'--the house quiet--mentally--we were preparing for bed.

THEN....

Shawn came running up the stairs and said "Put it on CNN--the bridge collapsed."

When I turned the channel to CNN--my mouth flew open in horror.  I-35--a major interstate in Saint Paul--less than a mile from our home--had collapsed over the Mississippi River. 

We travel that route all the time--going to the Mall of America for shopping (back when we had money).  We were just on I-35 Monday afternoon 'round 4 p.m.--we went to Raising Cane's--our favorite hot-wing spot for dinner.

The devastation--the turmoil--the horror.  People were strapped in their cars--submerged under water.  A school bus teetering in the river--half on the freeway--half in the Mississippi... cars crushed--slabs of concrete floating on the water.  Blood--chaos--mayhem!  Right in my back yard.  My heart fell.

My husband--as tired as he was sacrificed his sleep and er'rething--he went and got my shoes and a bottle of water and said "Baby--go to work--they need you at the television station."

I hauled ass y'all.  I got here and it was worse than I thought.  60 people injured--7 folks dead and the toll keeps climbing... chil'len and old folks--teenagers--people just trying to drive home form work--DEAD!  Freeway collapsed!  How could htis happen?  I mean--hell, it's concrete--slabs--slabs of cement just on the ground--rubble.

People running around frantically trying to find missing loved ones--disaster at the highest level--lives lost--people hurt--injuries--blood--just--I can't even describe.

On the way to work--I thought about how thankful I was--how thankful I am now--sitting here typing this--that my husband made it home from work an hour before it all happened!

All I could say was "Thank you Lawd!  For being so good to us--for sparing my husband--for your protection--your hedge of protection."

Before my husband leaves out to go to work every day--I always pray with him and for him--we do it as a family.  I kiss his face and tell him I love him--sometimes it gets redundant--and he tries to run out on me with an old "Baby I gotta go--I'll pray on my way to work." 

But I don't care if he's late for a meeting or he misses a conference call completely--he ain't leaving out of that house without being covered with the blood of Jesus--it's that blood that takes him to work safely and brings him back home.  It's that blood that covers him from disaster--and saves him from being hurt or harmed in any way.

That could have been him y'all--that could have been me and Andrew going to run errands--I'm thankful that my family is still in tact...

But I'm prayerful and sad for the folks who have lost loved ones.  Even sadder--the folks who are "missing" people in their families--I'm at the television station right now--and people can't find their sister--or their brother is missing and they ain't heard from 'em--they got a hot-line set up to try and identify folks--it's just sad.

I'm taking calls at the newsroom desk--and mothers are calling from out of town--trying to see if their daughters are safe--

My father called frantically trying to locate me--and Shawn--to make sure we were alright.

It's just amazing--how in one instance--without having done anything to cause it--your life--your loved ones live can be taken away.  A bridge collapse... rubble--people submerged in the water...

We need to find the jokers who constructed this damn bridge.  I'm sure it's the same guy who built the levees in the 9th ward in New Orleans!

So much for Ludacris having a shot to become Barack Obama's running mate. The rapper's latest attempt to boost Obama's candidacy has been ripped by the campaign itself. The rapper's verse is being described as "outrageously offensive" to Obama's former rival Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton and his current rival for the White House, Senator John McCain. The song, "Politics As Usual," claims Obama's becoming president is destiny. It uses the b-word to describe Clinton and says that McCain doesn't belong in "any chair unless he's paralyzed." The song also goes after the current occupant of the White House, saying George Bush is "mentally handicapped." The statement from Obama's campaign says while Ludacris "is a talented individual," the rapper "should be ashamed of these lyrics."

It's a legal battle between the "king of bling" and Wyclef Jean. The company founded by "Jacob the Jeweler" is going after the former Fugees star in court, claiming the hip-hop star owes him money for watches and jewelry he bought.  Jacob and Company Incorporated claims Jean got a bunch of bling for $765,100 -- and that he still owes a little less than half on the purchase. The suit says there have been "repeated demands for payment," but to no avail. Reps for Wyclef didn't respond to e-mails requesting comment. The company's founder, Jacob Arabov, has had his share of legal issues lately. He was sentenced in June to 2½ years in federal prison for lying to investigators of a multistate drug ring. The jeweler's other customers have included Kanye West, Madonna and Elton John.

Halle Berry may be getting some backup in her battle against the paparazzi. Some Los Angeles are leaders are trying to come up with tougher rules to keep at bay those who have the job of snapping photos of the stars. Officials from jurisdictions like Beverly Hills, West Hollywood, Malibu and Calabasas are meeting today to discuss ways to fight back against the paparazzi. Among the ideas being floated about are to create a "safety zone" around celebrities or requiring paparazzi to carry credentials and laying down rules for their behavior. Last  week, Berry said she's seeking criminal charges against photographers who came up with photos of her and her four-month-old daughter. She claims the paparazzi trespassed in her backyard to get the shots.

It's unclear what her defense will be. But a former dormitory matron at Oprah Winfrey's school for poor South African girls has pleaded innocent to charges that she indecently assaulted and otherwise abused six teenagers and a fellow matron at the academy. The ex-matron looked nervous and sullen at the start of her trial, which is being held in Sebokeng, South Africa. The judge hearing the matter did grant a prosecution request for the rest of the proceedings, expected to last all week, to be closed to the public. She also will let the teenagers testify through closed-circuit TV to save them the trauma of confronting their alleged attacker in court. A prosecutor describes the girls as being "very scared and very, very emotional." If found guilty of indecent acts, the former matron faces a minimum sentence of 10 years in jail.

Black Eyed Peas are cooking -- cooking up a new album, that is. Fergie says she and the fellas are in the studio working on a new album, which will be their first project since they dropped "Monkey Business" in 2005. Fergie says the group wants to avoid copying "what's out there on the radio" now, but come up with something fresh. She thinks they want to be "artistic and pushing the envelope" on this project. She made the comments in Las Vegas, where she was promoting two new lines of shoes at a trade show. She is also working on a new movie, which will begin filming in the fall.

The head of the Congressional Black Caucus is calling it "a milestone in our nation's efforts to remedy the ills of our past." The House of Representatives has issued an apology to black Americans for the wrongs committed against them and their ancestors. The apology covers both slavery and the Jim Crow segregation laws that persisted in many areas until the 1950's and 60's. The resolution, passed by voice vote, was the work of Tennessee Democrat Steve Cohen, the only white lawmaker to represent a majority black district. Cohen faces a formidable black challenger in a primary face-off next week. Congress has issued apologies before. There was one for Japanese-Americans for their internment during World War II and one for native Hawaiians for the overthrow of the Hawaiian kingdom in 1893. In 2005, the Senate apologized for failing to pass anti-lynching laws. Five states have issued apologies for slavery, but past proposals in Congress have stalled, partly over concerns that an apology would lead to demands for reparations. The Cohen resolution doesn't mention reparations.

with the little Chinese girl Sarah, in our play group.  Girlfriend is doing fractions and she ain't but 2 damn years old.  She was potty trained at 7 months old and started reading when she was 1!  Andrew is light years behind her and so I'm doing my best to catch up.

We will see Sarah and her mom again in the fall, so I wanted to make sure my baby had some new "tricks" up  his sleeve for our first day of class.

We've been working on "world leaders"... I went to the Office Depot and laminated photos of John McCain, George W. Bush, Condaleeza Rice, Barack Obama and others... all the important people he'll need to know, like Marion Berry, James Brown, Rick James, Michael McDonald from the Doobey Brothers--all the famous leaders that have changed the course of history!

So anyway, I got the photos pinned up all over the house and we go to them and point and I ask him "Andrew who is that?" and he tells me "That's George W. Bush!" and I ask him, "So who is George W. Bush?" and he tells me, "He's an asshole.  He's is president now."  Then I point to Obama and McCain's photos and ask "Who is running for president?" and Andrew tells me "Arack Obama and John Cain."  (close enough)

I'm thinking to myself, "Yeah baby, that little Sarah doesn't stand a chance when Andrew gets finished teaching her social studies, she's gonna regret the day she challenged my baby to a game of puzzles."

But I got greedy, I should have stopped there and worked to make sure he understood how to say Barack's name properly and put the "Mc" on McCain.  I put up Condaleeza Rice's photo and said "Andrew, that's Condaleeza Rice, the Secretary of State."  My two year old looked up at me as if to say "Now momma, you know that's too many damned syllables."  Since Andrew likes to sing, I figured we'd turn Secretary Rice's name into a song! And that was perfect--I pointed to the picture and sang "Con-da-leeezaaa Riceeeeeeeeeeee" with a squeal on the end.  He ate it up--he walked around all afternoon singing "Con-da-leeezaaa Riceeeeeee".   He was so excited about his new song that he pointed to George W. Bush and yelled "Con-da-leeezaaa Riceeeeeee".  He knew it was wrong and we both busted out laughing!!

Later that day, I was cooking dinner, some smothered pork chops and stewed okra in tomato sauce.  Andrew loves gravy--you can put gravy  on pancakes and he'll eat it.  The boy loves good southern cooking--and he ain't but two years old. He's got exacting standards when it comes to his taste buds. And don't give him no jar gravy--cause he'll give it back to you--in the form of throwing that $hit across the floor until you cook him some home made gravy on the stove.

So I fix everybody's plate and we sit down to eat, we hold hands and bless the food. Now, I hadn't shown Shawn Andrew's new trick and all the famous people he's learned to identify.  I wait until we're all chowing down on those smothered pork chops and I whisper to Shawn "Ask Andrew who the president is."  And he does, and my baby responds correctly.  Then I yell out "Hey, Andrew, who is the Secretary of State?"  I pushed my baby too far--he was eating smothered pork chops mixed with rice and trying to remember his world leaders and it all got tangled up when he responded, "Secretary of State is Rice and Gravy."

Yes, I do want a pat on the back for doing my damned job.  I know, I know, that's niggerish.  See, I'm required to do one web post a week on Tuesday's with my advice column. Somehow, before I got into a relationship, this was easy to do.  Now, with a lady love and a demanding work schedule, Uncle Kathy is busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.  I love you guys, Uncle Kathy really has grown fond of everyone who reads the website and sends me notes on a regular basis, but you all are going to have to be patient with me as Stella gets her groove back. I'm almost there! My deadline is 2 p.m. every day, so this week, and last week, I was a little tardy.  But I'm here.

OK, on to the job at hand. Uncle Kathy received notes from a few folks this week that needed my help.  Some of them I responded to personally, but this one I felt like I had to share with everyone. Especially since it's something I'm dealing with IN-LAWS. 

Dear Uncle Kathy,

My wife and I have been married for seven years now, and no matter what I do, it's never good enough because it doesn't measure up to her father.  She is a "daddy's girl" and whatever her father says is BOND.  Her father and I have a good relationship and he is a really good grandfather to our three children (we have two girls and one boy), but I constantly feel like I'm standing in his shadows.  When I do something, like make a large purchase, she second guesses me and goes behind my back and calls her father. I only know this because when her father and I talk, he mentions it to me.  For instance, I got a new mini-van for my family, since the girls are enrolled in dance and our son is playing soccer.  She talked to her father about it and he suggested (through my wife) that I should have gotten a Honda Odyssey instead of the Chrysler Town & Country.  How do I politely put my father in law in his place and not cause a riff between us? 

Signed,
J.R.B of Dallas, Texas

The last time I heard of someone named JR from Dallas, I was watching an ABC television series.  And those damn "Ewings" had more family drama than I care to remember.  Before you think about putting your father in law in check, you need to have a serious conversation with your wife.  She is perpetuating her father's control over her life and allowing it to extend to your life and thus, the decisions you are making for your family.

Now, give the man credit, most women don't have a father to get loving advice from. And I'm sure the man doesn't mean any harm. He just wants the best for his daughter and his grandchildren.  And actually, for you as well.

JRB, when you took your wife's hand in marriage, and promised to love, honor and cherish her, you also took on the role as leader.  You know that, the pastor knows that, but does your wife know it? It's her job to cut the controlling ties that her father has on her life.  If she continues to let him pull the strings and second guess you, you are going to always be looking over your shoulder.  And you can't look ahead if you're always looking behind you.

Hell, if your father in law wants you to have a Honda, you tell him to put up the money for it.  But as long as you're paying the bills in that house and working every day to take care of his daughter and his grandchildren, then you're going to make the decisions at your address...

OK, let Uncle Kathy calm down.  Relax, relate, release!!!  (I'm dealing with this right now, my girlfriend's mother tried to find me a job because she doesn't think I make enough money working for myself.) 

Back to my original point:  This ain't even between you and him, it's between you and your wife.  You need to put her in check so that she can stop telling her daddy your business. And she also needs to let her father know that his suggestions are not welcome if they undercut your authority as the man of your household.  And if she can't understand that, then you have a serious problem.

Because if you don't put your wife in check now, then later on, it'll be a friend of hers, or a co-worker or another family member that has "suggestions" about which car you ought to be driving.  And truth be told, you might want to make sure your wife ain't putting this on her daddy.  Perhaps this is something she really wants and she's saying that her "daddy" suggested it.  Especially if this is a pattern of behavior--Uncle Kathy ain't trying to say your wife is a liar--but I'm sure your father-in-law is man enough to tell you what he has to tell you face-to-face.  So before you get all huffy about him, make sure your wife ain't the one causing trouble to get what she wants.  That's just a suggestion.

Here's a little something to chew on -- literally. You know the Chris Brown song "Forever?" It is actually a commercial for Doublemint gum. Instead of a situation in which a popular song becomes an ad for a product, Wrigley is expected to announce today that the song was actually crafted as a commercial for the gum. The Wall Street Journal reports that Forever is an extended version of a new Doublemint jingle that was written by Brown. It will actually start airing as a commercial next month. Brown is one of three singing stars who were signed to freshen up the image of three of Wrigley's best-known brands of chewing gum. Ne-Yo does a song that is an ad on the "kiss a little longer" slogan for Big Red gum while country star Julianne Hough did a song/ad for Juicy Fruit. An official with the label group that includes Brown's label, Jive, seems OK with the idea. He says while label suits were reluctant to do a song commissioned by a product maker, the song was so good, they decided to put aside their qualms.

Alicia Keys is getting glowing praise for a decision she made about an upcoming concert overseas. She's due to perform this week in Jakarta, Indonesia, a performance that was supposed to be sponsored in part by Philip Morris. But after getting pressure from anti-smoking advocates, she has decided to snuff out that connection. And that has put her in the good graces of the Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids. A statement from Matthew Myers of the group says Keys "has set a positive example that should be followed by musicians and entertainers worldwide."  Tobacco companies in this country can't sponsor such show because the artists are popular with children. But that isn't the case in developing nations. 

Lil Wayne. Chris Brown. Usher. Who would you like to see win this year's MTV Video Music Award for best male video? It's in your hands -- literally, since fans will be able to vote for the winners. The nominees are in and voting has begun for the various categories. Other acts up for awards include Mariah Carey, Rihanna, Jordin Sparks, Flo Rida and T.I. The winners will be announced during a ceremony that will air live on September 7th at 9pm. It will air live on the East Coast and be shown on tape delay on the West Coast.

Oh I gotta make y'all laugh. Last night I went to this really nice upscale spa in downtown Minneapolis. Shawn got me a gift certificate for my birthday and it had like $200 on the card. So when I called to make the appointment, I didn't ask how much things were; I never thought it would be more than $200!  

Honey, I went all out too; got a manicure, pedicure, bikini wax and eyebrow wax.

When I was done, I was feeling great, feeling smoove... I glided up to the register to pay for all my services and the little man behind the counter smiles and says:  "That'll be $75 in addition to your card!"

I'm like "WHAT? Somebody had better give me some gas money and a bag of groceries for that!"

It literally took all the money off the card PLUS an extra $75! Honeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, I had a bottle of polish that I picked up 'cause I figured I had a few extra dollars on my card.

I looked at him and shouted: "How much is this damn polish? Is this some $75 polish? Take this off!"

After I wrote a hot-check for the little funky $75, he looked me square in the eye and asks: "Would you like to apply a gratuity?"

At this point, he was taking his life in his own hands.  Any jury would have given me probation for killing him!  I politely told that joker "Hell nawl! Y'all got that extra $75! Gratue off that!"

And to top it off, I had to pay for parking. I'm going back to the Chinese men and women who don't speak English to get my hands and feet "did".  I know they don't sanitize and scrape all the husk off your feet until they draw blood. I know the floor looks like somebody been stomping around the shops with mud on their shoes... I know they use the same towels on customers all week long and only wash them on Friday nights, but shit, at least when I leave I have some change in my pocket!

OK, so I've been gone from home five days. I come back, and my husband's got a new wife and Andrew is calling her momma.  He's gotta have had a woman come in here to take care of him while I was gone. Cause after five days, they didn't miss a  beat.  Andrew's diaper rash was gone, he was clean and well fed.  Shawn looked good. The house was spotless and even the clothes were washed. I'd better hurry up and have another baby--cause my husband really doesn't need me for anything else.  If he could give birth--I'd be homeless!

But the trip to Chicago to attend the UNITY, Journalists of Color conference was well worth it. I made some wonderful contacts, attended informative workshops and I had an opportunity to see Barack Obama.  As part of an agreement with CNN, Barack came to Unity to field questions from journalists of color as part of their Sunday morning political program with Wolf Blitzer.   I woke up extra early and was one of the first people in line to see the Democratic nominee.  I wound up getting a seat on the front row.  The only person seated in front of me was Barack Obama, and he was facing the audience on stage!

Before Barack came out, there was a panel discussion about things we learned at the conference and the place of minority journalists especially during this unprecedented political campaign.  Questions were asked from the audience to the panel about whether or not blacks could fairly cover Barack Obama during his bid for the White House.  Let me just say that to question a journalists' integrity is the worst insult to the years of hard work and dedication that we put into our craft.  While reporting on John McCain, nobody ever questions whether a white journalist can cover him fairly and objectively!  So why is it that people assume we as black journalists can't be objective and fair?  That's racist.

One woman even mentioned to me, "Well, Barack is the new black leader and I know it would be difficult for you to say anything bad about him."

Wait, wait wait! Barack is the leader of the Democratic party, not the leader of black folks.  Is John McCain the leader of white people? Does he speak for all white people?  Hell no, and the same holds true for Barack Obama: he does not speak for all black folks!  He speaks on behalf of the Democratic Party!

So the panel discussion lasted for about an hour, it was extremely informative and I almost had it had to end because it was full of wisdom from people who had been in the business for decades--and they were able to share their stories with us. One journalist on the panel worked for Newsweek and he wanted to go to Africa to cover the stories going on in that country.  His editors did not want to send him over there to do it, because they felt he couldn't be fair and objective.  He ask them if they had ever sent someone of color there, a black person in particular, to cover the story in that country--someone who had been unbiased and lacking in sound news judgment. Of course, their answer was no.  They had no proof that this would take place or had ever taken place--it was just their assumption.  So this man, with 20+ years in the business, was denied access to covering a news story because they felt he could not be objective when covering people who looked like him.  But wait, white folks do it every day? Why is it different now?

Just as the panel discussion was ending and Obama was gearing up to take the stage, they allowed one more question from the audience.  This white lady asked, "Is it proper for journalists to clap when a politician enters the room?"  We all knew what she was trying to say and where she was going! TRANSLATION: "Will you journalists of color be standing up when Barack comes out?"

The gentleman from Newsweek emphatically said "No, journalists should not stand up when a president or a presidential candidate walks in the room.  But we do it.  I've been to countless White House dinners where they applaud George Bush when he comes in the room.  I've been to McCain events and when he enters, journalists stand to their feet, along with others in the crowd to applaud up on his arrival.  So why now is it an issue when black and brown journalists in a room gather together to applaud the presumptive Democratic nominee?  If Hillary Clinton walked in here, we'd do the same thing.  But because it's a black man and journalists of color, now it suddenly presents a problem.  Nobody poses this question at White House dinners or other events."

It was like foreshadowing I tell you.  That was the most prophetic thing said during that panel discussion.  So get this, Barack comes out about 15 minutes later--and we're all sitting there--and then we applaud, and a few folks stand up--he waves to the crowd--sits down and begins answering questions.

The program lasts about 40 minutes and then the folks at CNN in Chicago at the Unity Conference toss the broadcast back to the good folks in Washington, Wolf Blitzer in particular who say "Barack Obama speaking in Chicago, the crowd standing up applauding him as he takes the stage--let me remind you, these are journalists of color."

As if we don't know protocol. As if we're applauding Barack because we love him.  Those applause were out of respect--because of his position--and his accomplishments.  When George W. Bush came to the conference four years ago in Washington, DC, I was there.  When Bushed walked on the stage, the entire room stood up and clapped for him.  That was carried live on CNN as well--but nobody saw a problem with that.  We applauded because he is president, and it was out of respect for him and his office. Otherwise, if it were personal, we would have all booed his ass!

The first thing out of Wolf Blitzer's mouth was the remark about us clapping and standing up and applauding Barack's appearance.  A spin that makes it look as if black journalists can't be fair and objective when covering the black presidential candidate.  You would never have heard Blitzer say "George Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner, the journalists, all standing up applauding him, are white."

Halle Berry is snapping back at the photographer who snapped pictures of her and her brand-new baby. An attorney for the actress says a criminal complaint has been filed -- and that an investigation of the incident is under way. Pictures of the Oscar-winning actress and four-month-old Nahla Ariela Aubry showed up on the Internet and in a pair of celebrity magazines. In a statement, Berry challenges the claim that the photos were taken when she was "out and about in Los Angeles." Berry says the shooter trespassed on her private property and took the pictures of her and her baby in their backyard. A lawyer for the actress says there are witnesses who can prove that the photographers in the middle of what he calls a "very blatant and invasive trespass."  Berry gave birth to Nahla, her first child, in March. The baby's father, model Gabriel Aubry, wasn't seen in the photos.

The would-be publisher says it wants the money back. But lawyers for both Foxy Brown and Lil' Kim say the rap stars still want to do the books they were already paid for. Simon and Schuster says Foxy Brown was paid $75,000 in 2005 to do an autobiography and Lil' Kim banked a check for $40,000 in 2003 for a novel that was due the following year. Apparently tired of waiting, the publisher has sued both for a return of the advance money. An attorney for Foxy Brown says the rapper's ear surgery caused the delay in getting the book done and she is eager to finish up the project. As for Lil' Kim, her attorney didn't return a call from The Associated Press for comment. But the lawyer tells People.com Lil' Kim "still looks forward to resolving the dispute."

The trouble never seems to stop for Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. Investigators say he berated and attacked them as they tried to serve a subpoena to a friend. Investigators with the Wayne County prosecutors office says Kilpatrick began cursing them and shoved one of them. One investigator, a black woman, says Kilpatrick, who is black, tried to shame her for working with a white colleague. After hearing all of this, a judge ordered Kilpatrick to pay $7,500 in bond -- and also to undergo random drug testing. Kilpatrick and his former top aide Christine Beatty are charged with perjury, misconduct and obstruction of justice. The two denied in a civil trial last year that they had an affair. But the lie was put to those claims by a series of text messages in which they made reference to their affair.

One thing about my Uncle Kathy is she's always comfortable.  Whenever she gets dressed, whether she's going to a ball game or to the club--she is all about comfort.  And during her day-to-day routine, she's got on knee length shorts, usually plaid, a plain cotton t-shirt and some sandals.  Girl friend ain't nothing like her sister, my Aunt Danitha.  Child, Aunt Danitha will squeeze that stomach in for 8 hours so she can wear those Baby Phat jeans and be cute. And you'd better not tell her she ain't Kimora Lee, cause she'll cut your ass!  And she'll jam that size 9 foot into a size 8 shoe if it's cute and they don't have it in her size.  Cause Aunt Danitha is all about style, while her baby sister, Uncle Kathy, is all about comfort.

I took after Uncle Kathy, cause I'd much rather put on a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt than a dress or some too tight jeans that leave that "rim" around my stomach. And I'm walking around looking like somebody tried to cut me in half!

So, I knew that while I was in Chicago, I was gonna be doing a lot of walking and a boat load of sight seeing--so I told Shawn--"Before I go, I want to go shopping for some comfortable shorts."

Cause y'all know, between the summers of 2007 and 2008, I swallowed a 3rd grade boy, so I can't fit nothing from last year!  So we hit up the Albertville Outlet this past weekend in Minnesota in search of some comfortable clothing. We stepped into Jones New York and I asked the sales clerk, "Can you point me to your Uncle Kathy section?"

The white lady looked at me like "What the hell is she talking about?"  But she ain't say that, I saw it in her eyes.

Shawn tried to apologize for me, "I'm sorry ma'am. Where are your summer shorts?" he asked her.

Girlfriend pointed us to the back with a puzzled look on her face like "Who in the hell is Uncle Kathy?  And what does she make? Is she a designer for the Jacquelyn Smith collection?"

So anyway, we're back there, I find my Uncle Kathy shorts and my Uncle Kathy t-shirts and I'm all excited cause I get two pair cause they all on sale. It was like the "Uncle Kathy Clearance Center" or something. 

I get to Chicago and I can't wait to put on my new clothes (that's project kids for you--we love wearing our new stuff right away--sometimes, I just wear my $hit right up out of the store--cause that's how ghetto I really am).  I got my Uncle Kathy navy blue stripped shorts and my solid blue cotton tee and hit the town. I was walking down near Lakeshore--trying to see if Oprah was at home--but Steadman said she was gone to the store--she'd be back. I stopped and sat down--just to watch the people walk by when I felt somebody standing behind me.  So this gay gal approached me and was asking me all kinds of questions about the conference I'm here for and what television station I worked at. And I was cool with that--no big deal.  I walked off and went to McDonald's to get me some fries--and there were three gay ladies standing in line getting a bite to eat.  One of 'em came over to me and said "I love those pants."

That's when it hit me, I was wearing the official "Girl, I'm gay too Uncle Kathy" uniform.  I ain't have no make up on, no ear rings and my gay girl outfit. 

I laughed so hard, I thought I was gonna pee on myself.  I immediately picked up the phone and sent Shawn a text message that said "The lesbians are up on me cause I got on my Uncle Kathy gear. They recognize I'm a player and I'm available."

Shawn responded, "Don't look 'em in the eye, if they choose you, and they're bigger than me, I might have to let them have you."

A lot of people thought it was cute when Taco Bell came up with an ad that asks the rapper to change his name to 99 Cent. But Fiddy isn't laughing -- he's suing. He has filed suit against the Mexican-themed fast-food restaurant, claiming the chain is using his name without permission. In the federal lawsuit filed yesterday, Fiddy notes the restaurant features him in a print ad asking him to change his name to 79 Cent, 89 Cent or 99 Cent. The lawsuit claim the company sent a bogus letter requesting the name change to the news media, but not to the rapper himself. The suit is seeking $4 million in damages, which can buy a lot of stuff off the ol' value menu. For his part, Taco Bell says the chain made "a good faith" effort to the rapper to change his name or to rap his order at the restaurant in exchange for a $10,000 donation to the charity of Fiddy's choice.

He bombed when he tried doing it on the BET Awards recently. But comedian D.L. Hughley got a better response last night when he told some Barack Obama jokes on the "Tonight Show with Jay Leno." He said should Obama win the election in November, the idea of white guilt is "gonna be all over." He says white folks could then say: "we voted for the black guy, we're even now." He even took a poke at Jesse Jackson, for his comments about wanting to castrate Obama and for using the n-word in the process. Hughley noted that when "Seinfeld's" Michael Richards used the n-word repeatedly at a performance a couple of years ago, Jackson called for a boycott of the actor's work. Hughley says there would be a similar boycott of Jackson now, except no one can "find out where Jesse works."

 Last week, it was Whoopi Goldberg. Now it's Sherri Shepherd who is explaining herself on "The View." This time, Shepherd was defending herself over comments she made to a religious magazine about her past. She says she slept around a lot and -- in her words -- "had more abortions than I would like to count." But she ended up having to call her boss on The View, Barbara Walters, for saying to the magazine that she wished some other prominent Christian women could be on the show so they could "lay hands on Barbara Walters and get her saved." On yesterday's show, she said that was "a joke" that "didn't come off the way I wanted it to." She says Walters had "a great sense of humor" about it when she called her in Paris to apologize for any offense.  As for Walters' need for salvation, Shepherd says she told her she was "already in heaven" because she was in Paris.

OK, in Minneapolis, I don't do much walking.  I walk from the car to the door of Krispy Kreme to get me a 12 pack of donuts. Or from the house to the garage to get in the car to go to Krispy Kreme to get me a 12 pack of donuts.  I don't walk--it's too close to exercise, and that makes me break out in hives!  I don't care what the damn health experts say, exercise is not your friend. That stuff will kill you. 

But I'm in Chicago with no ride, so I'm having to walk every where I go. Once I dropped off my things at the hotel, I set out to do my story on Historically Black Travel!  It's great because I'm getting video and visiting all these places that are important to people of color--and have been for decades!  Little known landmarks that most folks don't know about--and I'm getting the opportunity to tell those stories!

So childdddddddd, my feet hurt. I done wore out one pair of tennis shoes and I'm working on a second!  It's horrible, my tennis shoes have NO rubber left on them.  I gotta go out and get a new pair.  All the walking I've done--my bunions have bunions. Up and down Michigan Avenue looking for Garrett's--the world famous Chicago popcorn spot!  Last time I was here, it was on Michigan Avenue. Wellllllllllllll, guess what? I walked two damn miles, and there is no Garrett's to be found!  I finally stopped to ask someone and they informed me that the damned place was closed down. The city is building a museum in the old location.  What the hell?  You throw away good carmel and cheese popcorn for culture?  That don't make no damn sense!

I was crushed!  I cried out like Florida Evans did on Good Times when she found out James was dead "Damn, Damn Damn!".  I cried out too because my damn feet were bleeding! I had walked about 3 city blocks, which in Chicago I found out is 17 miles looking for popcorn!

The funniest thing during all this was the fact that the pigeons in Chicago are taller than most grown ups.  These damn things are on every street corner, walking around like they own the place. They're catching the bus, asking for directions, smoking cigarettes, drawing pictures on the street for money, shopping on Michigan Avenue.  Pigeons are running this place!!!  I think somebody told me they got a pigeon on city council.

I have never seen so many damn pigeons in my life.  One of 'em, a male pigeon with a jerry curl and some Stacy Adams on tried to pick up on me. I wasn't wearing my wedding ring so he thought he could step to me.  With a grin on his face he tapped me on the shoulder and asked "Excuse me Ms. Lady, you ever thought about being with a bird?"

"Umh, no sir," I told the slick pigeon, "besides I'm happily married to a black man.  And you know what they say, once you go black, you never go back!"

The damn pigeon came back with, "Hey, well forget what you heard, it's all about the bird!"

OK, so we're coming from Houston earlier this month, we arrive at the airport a few hours early cause we got the little one. Better to be extra early than one minute late is what I always say.  I missed a flight before, and it ain't fun!  I vowed never to do that again...

Anyway, back to the story, so we get to the airport, check our bags, pay for all of 'em, including the small toiletry bag containing our toothbrushes and such--and we come on back home to Minneapolis on our Northwest Airlines flight!

Now mind you, we have a system. Shawn packs the luggage, because he's excellent at organizing, and I unpack the luggage when we arrive at our destination!  That's just the way it's always been--I'm not sure how we figured that system out, but it works perfectly!

So, we get home from Houston and I'm unpacking and at first, I didn't notice anything was missing.  While I unpacked the bag, Shawn went outside to make sure our neighbors didn't "help themselves" to any of our valuable patio furniture.  I'm putting all the clothing up--making sure each item goes in the right place.  We washed all our clothing before we left Houston, so that I wouldn't have to do laundry when I got home.

When I was done emptying out three suitcases, I was worn out. Packing and unpacking is a chore in itself. You need a vacation from the vacation! 

The next morning, I got ready to plug in the lap top and I couldn't find the chords that went with it.  No big deal, I called my momma to let her know that I had left the chords and to ship them to me.  My momma scoured that house and found no chords.  Which meant I had to spend $100 to order new computer chords.  OK, so then, a few days later, I want to wear one of my "spring sun dresses", and I enjoy wearing my fake pearls--makes me feel like June Cleaver.  I look for my ear rings and they're gone.  When I got ready for church Sunday, I went to spray on my favorite cologne (that I stole from my momma while I was there, by the way) and it was no where to be found.

Mind you, the only place we went was to Houston to my momma's house and back home. No stops in between, no connecting flights--it was a straight shoot!

I called my mom and dad and they tore the house up looking for our things. Of course, they were no where to be found.

It never occurred to us that someone at the Houston Intercontinental Airport in the baggage department had been "less than honest" until...

Shawn got ready for work one morning and pulled out a t-shirt.  When he opened it up to put it around his head, he yelled out like he has seen a ghost and threw the t-shirt across the room.  "What's wrong?" I yelled out.  "This ain't my damn t-shirt!" he screamed!

He pulled a total of 10 shirts out of his drawer and none of them belonged to him!  We took 10 t-shirts to Houston with us and somehow, came back with someone else's Fruit of the Looms (my husband wears Hayne's).  I had a simple solution to this crisis "They must belong to my daddy." I assured him.  Then my husband reminded me, "Your father stands 7 foot tall and is tipping the scale at 300 pounds, I assure you, these size Large t-shirts don't belong to your father."

Well surely, I thought, my momma must be missing some t-shirts.  So I shipped them overnight mail and called her up, "Momma," I told her, "you're missing 10 t-shirts and you should have 10 of Shawn's t-shirts. Please just mail them to us."

"I ain't missing no t-shirts," she informed me, "and I just finished going through everything here and Shawn ain't got no shirts here and y'all ain't got no computer chord here, no ear rings or none of that other stuff you say you left here."

The next morning, my momma got the shirts in the mail and she called to cuss me out, "Don't send these dingy ass t-shirts here. These nasty fu)(ers ain't mine.  Whoever these t-shirts belong to need to invest in a bottle of Clorox!"

How could this be? These t-shirts didn't belong to me, my husband, my mother or my father.  Ain't nobody else living at my momma's house! The damn dog died last month, and they buried her t-shirts with her.

But my momma broke it down for me, when she explained, "Sheletta, baby, somebody at the airport went through your bags. They took out what they wanted and neatly put everything back in place as best they could.  Except, they must have had an assembly line going and what they did was mistakenly put someone other man's t-shirts shirts in your bag and then put Shawn's t-shirts in that man's bag.  They are slick now.  Don't think they aren't down in those baggage claim areas going through bags--three or four of 'em--sifting through--getting what they want and then loading your luggage on the plane.  By the time you get home, you've been relieved of your valuables!"

Now that just grossed me out.  The thought of some other man's t-shirts in my damn house--up on my husband's skin--in my husband's drawer. Of course, being the germ phobic person that I am, I done burned everything that t-shirt touched and we have gone out and bought all new t-shirts for Shawn!

So you mean to tell me they are charging us up to $100 to check our luggage, THEN, to add insult to injury, they rob us.

I found out I ain't the only one. My momma pointed me to a story the local news did in Houston about this very same thing. You can see it by clicking here.

So word to the wise, if you're flying Northwest Airlines in and out of Houston, try shipping your $hit via US Mail.  Or try "Brown"--they always ask "What can Brown do for you?" Brown can get my luggage to my momma's house!

It looks like Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was not only cheating on his wife, but might have been cheating on his mistress, too. An investigator's report says Kilpatrick sent and got text messages with "intimate or romantic content" to several woman who weren't his wife or former Chief of Staff Christine Beatty. It was a series of romantic messages sent to Beatty that led to the staffer's resignation and to perjury charges against the mayor. Both denied under oath they were involved in a sexual relationship. But the text messages they sent each other indicated otherwise.

Civil rights activist Al Sharpton has caught a break. Federal prosecutors have decided not to seek criminal charges against him over his ongoing tax problems. His lawyers say the investigation was disbanded only after the government got a down payment Monday topping 1 million dollars on a tax debt that had threatened to land Sharpton before a grand jury.  Sharpton says he's "just grateful" the situation is now behind him.

If you're a fan of DMX, chances are you know as much about the legal system as you do the rap game, since he seems to run afoul of the law more often than he actually releases music these days. His latest run-in with the law is in the state of Arizona, where he's been indicted on felony charges.  Authorities say he tried to get out of paying medical expenses by taking on someone else's identity. Prosecutors in Maricopa County say DMX showed up at the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale back in April and told staffers his name was "Troy Jones" and ended up getting care with the intent of not paying for it. He was busted this past Saturday at a mall in Phoenix. DMX is 37 and already faces two other indictments in the same county. One is a drug case and the other is on charges of cruelty to animals.

What is freedom really? When I came out as a lesbian, some people said "Well, you're free now!"  But I never felt free really. I was always confined to the world's ideas of what a gay woman ought to look like or dress like--hell, some people even had assumptions of what I should smell like.  I don't wear men's cologne, I prefer a softer fragrance, even if I can change the oil on a car and tune up a transmission--I still enjoy a set of pearls every now and gain to go with a fancy pant suit.  That's just Uncle Kathy baby--that's my style. And whether I was gay or straight, that is still who I am.

This week, I got a letter that really touched my heart, more so than the other dozen or so e-mails I received asking for advice. This woman wanted to know about freedom and how she could get it:

Uncle Kathy,

Glad you're finally back.  We waited for you to get it together in Baltimore, and now it seems you've done that. I was actually waiting for you to come back because I had a question.  I'm really thinking about taking that leap of faith and starting my own business. Because I really want the freedom to be my own boss. Right now, I feel like a modern day slave. I hate my job.  I make good money, but it's not what's in my heart to do.  Someone pays me a salary and tells me what to think, how to think and when to talk and when to speak.  I can't express my own views and it's my job to enforce the company's mandates and bylaws, even if I don't actually agree with them.  I really want to quit, but in this economy, I just can't get up the nerve.

Signed,
Freedom

Well, Freedom, let Uncle Kathy lay something on you: until you die, you are never going to truly be free.  Even when you start your own business, you will be responsible to clients who demand your time and possible prospects who want to put a stick up your butt to make sure your business is worth investing in.  So you go from kissing up to your supervisor for your paycheck to kissing up to investors.  It's six in one hand and half a dozen in the other. It's really a wash. 

Honestly, I remember when Uncle Kathy first started working for herself, I was afraid, because I didn't have that security of knowing where my next check is coming from.  But, the harder I worked and the more I prayed, the better things got. It's going to be rough at first, but if you're willing to roll up your sleeves and put some muscle behind that plow, then you can do it. 

But do your homework. The market is tough right now. If you're thinking of opening a coffee shop, you might want to hold off.  Hell, if Starbucks is closing down, you don't stand a chance!  People don't have the disposable income they once did, so frills like going out to dinner and picking up a hot cup of coffee before going to work every day is O.U.T.!  So do your research and also save for a rainy day. Uncle Kathy remembers back when I first started out, it stormed on my black butt.  And that "rainy day money" came in handy.

So it's going to take 1) planning; 2) planning; 3) prayer; 4) preparation and 5) persistence.  OK, that's all the P words Uncle Kathy can think of, but you get the picture.

Darling, I don't know how to tell you this no other way: Until you die, you ain't never gonna be free.  You are going to be beholden to the boss man, the investor, the mortgage company--you'll have to answer to somebody. Unless you're Oprah!

Things got physical yesterday when Omarosa appeared on Wendy Williams' talk show. Omarosa got into Williams' face for disrespecting her during the intro. Things got uglier when Williams grabbed Omarosa's book cover to hold it up to the camera, and Omarosa snatched it back. The Fox talk show host tells the AP "Omarosa is a delusional, D-list, pathetic woman." (WORD TO OMAROSA: Your fifteen minutes of fame is up too girlfriend, Wendy wasn't the ONLY D-list celebrity in this cat fight) During the interview, Williams called Omarosa "a typical angry black woman" (WORD TO WENDY: you're black girlfriend--and most of the times that I've heard you--you're damned angry) and suggested cosmetic injections could fix her wrinkles. Omarosa was a contestant on Donald Trump's reality TV show "The Apprentice."

Diddy has had an epiphany. In a new YouTube video, he says that he just finished with a good, hour and a half workout. So, instead of thinking about all his problems and how he's going to deal with them, Diddy says he thought about how thankful he is to have a healthy body and mind. He suddenly realized that he has ten fingers and ten toes, he can see, and he's running. He says those are just some of the many things that he takes for granted every day. Diddy says "some of ya'll ain't gonna get this" stuff and are "going to be hatin' on the blogs." But he says "it's all good." For the ones who get it or need to get it, "there it is."

Serena Williams plans to keep playing through a left knee injury despite advice from a doctor and her father that she rest with less than three weeks before the Beijing Olympics. She figures her injured knee "will be old news" by the time the Olympic tennis competition begins August 10th. Williams withdrew from Saturday's semifinals of the Bank of the West  Classic at Stanford after injuring her knee. She said that an MRI exam afterward revealed an inflamed joint. Williams, seeded second for this week's East West Bank Classic, received a first-round bye and is scheduled to play her opening match tomorrow against Czech Petra Kvitova. Williams says she's "taking it day-by-day" and will see how it goes.

DMX has been arrested for the second time this month. He was cuffed Saturday at a Phoenix mall on suspicion that he gave a gave a false name and Social Security number to a hospital to get out of paying for medical expenses. Earlier, this month DMX was arrested at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport on outstanding warrants. And last month he was arrested in Miami on charges of attempting to purchase cocaine and marijuana. Maricopa County, Arizona, Sheriff Joe Arpaio says "I don't know why judges keep letting this guy out." He says "I'm hoping this is the one time he's going to pay the penalty for his offense."  DMC of Run-DMC is dealing with a serious health issue. He was scheduled to undergo surgery at a New Jersey hospital Friday to remove two major blood clots in his left arm. His publicist says he had been suffering from pain and swelling in his arm when doctors discovered the clots. She didn't know when he would be released and said he had canceled a planned performance over the weekend.

Snoop Dogg and his crew now have their picture with the Dalai Lama. The musician Moby writes on his Web site that he was going into a hotel in Philadelphia for a meeting with the Dalai Lama when he saw Snoop walking out just as the Dalai Lama arrived. He says they stopped and the Dogg Pound posed for pictures with him.

The latest "Batman" movie has set a new box office record for an opening weekend. "The Dark Knight" took in a record 155.34 million dollars this past weekend, topping the previous best of 151.1 million for "Spider-Man 3" in May 2007. A Warner Brothers executive says "We knew it would be big, but we never expected to dominate the marketplace like we did." The musical "Mamma Mia!" debuted at Number 2 with 27.6 million. Will Smith's "Hancock," was third with 14 million, followed by "Journey to the Center of the Earth" and "Hellboy 2."

Kids are so honest. The most honest folks you'll ever find are kids and really old people. Children are honest because they haven't figured out how to lie good yet--and they talk before they think--that's a combination that will always result in the truth. Old folks just don't give a damn about you!  They know they're gonna die soon, so they  just say whatever the hell is on their minds, and don't give a damn whether or not it hurts your feelings.  So if you don't want to hear that you're really fat, or that that dress makes your butt look big or that your new hair color looks like fried dog $hit, don't ask my grandmother or my 4 year old niece Naya--cause they are going to tell you EXACTLY what you don't want to hear!

When I was at home in Houston for Andrew's birthday recently, I realized just how honest kids really are.  I mean, Andrew can't talk yet--so he ain't had the oral capability to tell me that my cooking tastes like warmed over road kill, but my nieces and nephews don't mind giving me a piece of their mind on anything from politics to healthcare.

Let me just tell y'all, kids are the most honest and funny folks you'll ever spend time with.  I got about 400 jokes stored away just spending 4 days with my nieces and nephew!  That television show, "Kids say the darnedest things"... well they need to revise it and call it "Kids don't give a damn what they tell you...." and interview the little folks in my family... cause they are off the hook.

Thus, inspiring this week's Top 10!  "Top 10 Things my Nieces and Nephews told me during my visit in Houston"...

10.  I was at the mall with one of my nieces when we passed the perfume counter.  They were trying to offer us some of the new Sean "Puffy" Combs fragrence.  They sprayed my arm and then offered to spray my niece with the poison when 9 year old Destinee told them, "Oh no, please don't put that on me, it smells like boo boo.  And I don't want to smell like boo boo!" 

9.  My aunt Danitha has been known to wear her dresses two sizes too small. She's been like that all her life. Now, don't get it twisted, aunt Danitha is a foxy chick--but if she'd just go ahead and wear the size 18 that she actually is instead of the 14--she'd be even cuter!  At Andrew's party, she was donning a chocolate brown Baby Phat cotton mini-dress that was off the shoulder and fell about 6 inches above the knee.  She was twitching around the party in high heels and a tight Patti Labelle weave.  Girlfriend was fierce for a two year old birthday party, let me just tell you.  My little nephew looked at her and then looked at me and said "Auntie, is that Chaka Khan?"  He had recently seen an interview on VH1 and thought we had a celebrity in the family.

8.  My former sister-in-law Christine, my brother's first baby momma (he's got three) came to the party wearing 4-inch heels and was too cool for school.  She looks like a dead ringer for Alliyah (the R&B singer who died in a plan crash a few years back).  She's a full time model, and makes a good living being "cute".  One of my girlfried's who was at the party, her daughter is about 10 years old.  She looked at Christina and mentioned to me that "She looks like one of those girls who dances in videoes."  I asked her, "What makes you say that?"  She told me, "Well, she's got those stripper shoes on."  I thought I was gonna choke on a chicken nugged I laughed so hard.

7.  My cousin Meme is on a diet, and she's doing really good.  She's taking Slim Fast--and she watches what she eats--and she exercises.  Well, we were passing out cake at the party and I was trying to get my nieces involved in the party--kids like it when you give them "tasks" cause it makes them feel like part of the process. So I had my nieces handing out cake to all the guests.  One of my nieces gave a piece of cake to Meme, but she turned it down, "No honey, Auntie Meme is on a diet.  I don't eat cake."  My niece wanted to know, "What's a diet?" Meme told her, "That's when people drink Slim fast to loose weight." My niece told her, "Well, yours must be working slow instead of fast."  Meme looked at me and wanted me to correct the child, I told her like Spider told Tina in What's Love Got to do with it, "Gone eat the cake Anna Mae!"

6.  OK, so you gotta be careful what you let your kids watch on television.  Cause whatever goes in is bound to come out.  Now, my momma recently decided to go natural. So she shaved her hair and has a short cropped cut that is low to her head and has it faded out real good. She looks cuter than a Georgia peach with her "new do"!  Well, the night before the party, my little nephew watched some Mike Epps comey routine that his daddy (my brother) had on bootleg DVD!  When he walked through the door, he took one look at my grandmother's hair and said "Grandma, your head looks like a dirty shaved tennis ball!" 

5.  One of my aunts, I won't say WHO was at the party and let's just say girlfriend forgot to wear her "good girdle" with her shorts and her butt was jiggling like jello!  My nephew watched her walk in the house to use the restroom when he declared to the 30 or so people in attendance, "Her butt looks like two basketballs on her back fighting for position."  I'm going to assume that was also from Mike Epps comedy--cause I don't think Sponge Bob ever said no $hit like that to his underwater friends.

4.  Malcolm, my best friend Fanchon's oldest son (she got three, Malcolm, the oldest, Micah, the girl in the middle, and Christian, the baby boy) was told to go in the house to look for the super glue.   He couldn't find it, even though his momma gave him specific instructions of where he could find it.  She got tired of sending him in the house--so she got up and took him inside to actually show him where it was.  When she pointed out the bottle of Super Glue, he told her, "Momma, why are you calling this Super Glue? I would have never found it.  I mean, it doesn't even have a cape on it. How is it going to be super without a cape?

3.  My best friend Fanchon's youngest son Christian was at the party, he had hiccups for the first time. He went over to his momma and talking through the hiccups said "Momma. I think I'm dying, because my air won't stop beeping!"

2.  OK, so y'all know Andrew's party went ghetto and all the grown folks stayed until midnight until they went to the club and left their children there. Turning a party that started at 2 p.m. into a sleep over.  So I had 7 chil'len to take care of, everything from bathing to washing clothes to putting 'em to bed to feeding 'em, all while their parents enjoyed Houston's downtown nightlife (on my expense) and I'm the one on damn vacation! Anyway, so I'm helping to brush my 4 year old niece Naya's teeth.  After she finishes up, I hand her a plastic cup with a mixture of water and Listerine. She looked in the cup and asked "Auntie, what is this?"  I told her, "It's mouth wash, with water.  Just something you swish around and spit out. It helps your breath smell fresh."  She was relieved, "Oh, I saw all the other cousins drinking it, but I wasn't going to put it in my mouth. I don't drink poison!"  Well, we ain't gonna have to worry about her bowing down to peer pressure, are we?

1.  OK, it ain't Publisher's Clearing House Prize Patrol, but I know we got a lot of moms and dads reading this website er're day. Help me with this one and post a comment (below) of the funniest thing your kid or your niece or your nephew or your grandchild has ever told you!  Tomorrow, the one that makes us laugh the most will win a gift from the Sheletta Shop!  I can't wait to see your entries...

I’ve been catchin’ hell around the house for letting my roles as Father, Husband, Breadwinner, Landscaper, and part-time Cook interfere with my bloggin’. It has been “a month of Sunday’s (literally), since my latest installment of “Shawn’s Sunday Thought.” Not that there hasn’t been anything to think about….. It’s just the wear and tear of things that caused me to not write down my thoughts.

 

So here is my most recent thought. While watching news one evening, an advertisement aired about a drug that treats two health conditions. The commercial starts out with a guy walking in the woods and talking about his ailments which happen to be (High Cholesterol, and High Blood Pressure) when his body splits into two whole people. This old dude is as happy as a clam as he continues his walk describing how he takes one pill a day, which treats both conditions. His two bodies merge again into one person and he holds hands with his woman before walking off into the sunset. Happily ever after no doubt!

 

For some reason I couldn’t shake the notion of the “two for”. That’s a hell of a drug that can take on two conditions like High Cholesterol and High Blood Pressure. But I couldn’t help but think that the makers of this drug left too many other possibilities on the table, so I’m putting together a list of conditions that pharmaceutical and manufacturing companies should seek to develop. I will be taking a leadership role in development and securing product patents and fully expect to get extremely wealthy behind the strength of these products.

 

1. The makers of Viagra, Cialis, and other Erectile Dysfunction medicines should combine forces with the makers of headache and pain relief. This drug, (as yet to be named) would be for the benefit of men who need help “getting it up” and simultaneous relief from the migraine encountered immediately after sex when she starts talking about “where the relationship is going.”

 

2. Coming in 2009, a combination product to treat the negative side effects of flatulence. I’ve contacted the makers of Air Wick to commission a scented suppository marketed by the Preparation H people under the new brand name “Fresh Ass”. It will come in Women’s, Children’s, and Men’s fragrances. Women’s fragrances will feature floral scents, children’s fragrances will be sweet candy related, and Men’s fragrances will smell like meal time at Thanksgiving. As for the auditory sounds produced with flatulence, we are working on a soothing sounds muscle tension release valve that will prevent forceful expulsion of these anal gases through the sphincter. The end result will be a whisper quiet “Sssssst” inaudible to most humans.  

 

3. For the schizophrenic person who hears voices and suffers from seasonal allergies. The makers of Benadryl and Clozapine have joined forces so that during the relief of stuffy head, the voices are “blown” out with all of the snot, boogers, and mucous. For extra extended relief, the product comes in a convenient nasal spray brought to you by “NeoSynephrin – It’s Better Than a Mitten.”

 

4. Some of us aren’t as young as we think we are and we believe we can continue eating spicy foods with ingredients that are best digested with the metabolism of a 20 year old. Unfortunately it takes the development of Stomach Ulcers for us “old folks” to learn our lesson. If you really have it bad, you’re suffering from Gastro Esophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) and may need surgical intervention. I believe there is another treatment option available and am working on a product that would combine the soothing relief of an Antacid (Tums, Rolaids, Mylanta, Milk of Magnesia) with the reverse properties of Immodium A-D (Anti-Diarrheal). Immodium A-D is designed to stop diarrhea, but in this case, we want to do the opposite and encourage that spicy shit we just ate to move on through the system as fast as possible. So, we can continue to eat things not recommended, just take two “Sh*t Starter” tablets before every meal. You won’t have time to finish your meal before planting your butt on a bowl somewhere. “Sh*T Starter” will also be available in a slow acting or time release caplet that will buy you some time to make it to the comfort of your own bowl.

 

I realize that these ideas are kinda “out there”, but all I need is one idea and I’m retiring.

 

See y’all next week.

Before I moved to the Twin Cities area back in 2004, I lived in a small Louisiana town called Lake Charles. Now, Lake Charles is right off I-10, between Houston (Texas) and New Orleans, almost equal distance from the two metro towns!  I loved Lake Charles--it was a small quiet town with a big heart.  My father was born there, so I have about 10 aunts and uncles and about a 1,000 damn cousins that live there--so it wasn't like a strange place for me. I grew up going there every summer for vacation (Ain't that some $hit? When you're young, your momma and daddy take you on vacation to your "grandparent's house" for the summer.  But when you get older and move out--and your parents go on vacation alone--they do fun stuff like drive to Florida in an RV or take a cruise.  Why weren't they doing that $hit when me and my brother were younger?). 

And although it's a quiet sleepy town, it's always jumping.  Why? Cause it's the damn riverboat capitol of the world!  They have three riverboat casinos there and so they got hundreds of thousands of gamblers coming from Texas on a regular basis to drop millions of dollars in coins in those damn wicked and evil slot machines! 

I'm not a gambler, I hate to loose money.  But my relatives would come from Texas all the time, hang out with me and FORCE me to go to the casino with them while they lost their money!  It's crazy too, cause once you've been in one, you've been in 'em all!  It's filled with smoke and old folks, so it smells like a cross between Marlboro Lights and Ben-gay!  Some of the people in there are spending their last dime and medication money to sit for hours at those slot machines, hoping their "luck" will pay off and they'll win big!  You walk around in there--and all the machines are lighting up, making noise, singing and it almost sucks you in!  People are walking around like zombies holding those cups filled with coins, going from one machine to another--as if those damn one armed monsters were calling them by name "Hey Charlie, come over here and play me, I'm lucky tonight!"

I hated being in there, I always felt so dirty, like I needed a bath the moment I walked out of there.  Don't get me wrong, I ain't gonna stand outside the casino with a protest sign and picket the establishment, but I damn sure ain't gonna give 'em my light bill money either!  Ya get my drift?  And if I got extra money to burn, well then I'll hit up Express Lane Bryant and do some shopping or buy me some weave!

So anyway, today, I'm heading to Chuck E. Cheese to a birthday party. We're in the car, me Shawn and Andrew--Andrew's little church buddy Elijah is turning 3 years old and so his parents are throwing him a super cool shin-dig at the kid friendly pizza joint in Maple Grove. 

Well, we get there, we open the door, Andrew walks in and damn it, it looks like a casino for kids.  This was our first Chuck E. Cheese party, so we didn't know what to expect!  We walk in and they hand us a cup of coins, we walk over to the play area and all these machines are lighting up and making noise.  You go from one machine to another--playing games--putting coins in--playing your hardest--trying to win--so you can get a prize at the end.  If that ain't gambling for kids, I don't know what is!

And it takes about 30 seconds before you run out of $20 worth of tokens.  We looked down in our cup and we were running on fumes. I told Shawn "We'd better refuel before Andrew realizes we're down to our last two dollars and all hell breaks loose." It took about 14 minutes to spend another $50 worth of quarters.  With of course, no return on the investment.  Shawn was pissed off when he turned to me and said "Man, I could have taken that money to the strip club and got a lap dance or something. That would have lasted a minute or two longer than the money we just wasted in this Ice Hockey Machine.  We don't even get a piece of pizza with that.  It's just gone!"

We tried, with all sincerity to break the news to Andrew and tell him that we were out of money and that we couldn't play no more games. Boyfriend laid out in the floor and had a complete fit!  He was kicking and screaming and yelling!  Until of course, Chuck E. Cheese walked by to give out hugs and "high fives".  That's the only thing that calmed my poor son down!

Just 90 minutes inside Chuck E. Cheese and he's hooked. Andrew is an addict. At 2 years old he needs Gamblers Anonymous, or some kind of Chuck E. Cheese Anonymous for kids who can't go without those damn noisy games or riding the rides!  

Bless his heart, we're finally home!  Andrew is upstairs now, poor thing, trying to sweat through this until he can get another fix!  Or kick the habit...

I told my husband Shawn jokingly, "Next year, I'm going to have Andrew's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese.  At least you don't have to clean up after wards and it's only 90 minutes long.  His birthday party this year at my momma's house lasted from 2 p.m. to 10 p.m. and included a sleep over with about 7 kids.  Plus, wasn't no cute furry animals walking around shaking hands and taking pictures. We need cute furry  monsters at Andrew's party. He loves the rat costume."

Shawn laughed and told me, "There was a furry monster at Andrew's party! Your Aunt Judith!"

Y'all thought I was pissed about hip-hop and the way it's spiraled out of control, well Laila Ali is right along with me. Girlfriend is so upset about rap music and lyrics that continually diss black women that when I interviewed her and asked about it--her exact words were "I'm so pissed, don't even get me started!"  This beautiful brown sister is passionate and very intelligent.  She's a wonderful role model for young black girls--and we ain't got many these days to choose from these days!  She's expecing her first baby in a few months, but that ain't stopping girlfriend from going out there and making that paper--she's got a few new television projects coming out...

Someone must have really wanted James Brown's belt that said "Sex Machine" on it. It sold for $4,750 at an auction in New York yesterday. His shoeshine box sold for $2,000, and a matching red leather sofa, love seat and armchair sold for $40,000. Musician Paul Shaffer bid $32,500 for Brown's medical bracelet, which identified Brown as diabetic and allergic to penicillin. Shaffer also bid $10,000 for Brown's Hammond organ. 

Jesse Jackson's use of the "n" word stirred up some controversy on "The View" yesterday. Whoopi Goldberg said the word flat out during their discussion of Jackson's comments and that quickly developed into the double standard conversation of why it's OK for blacks to say it but not whites. Whoopi Goldberg said blacks and whites live in different worlds.  Elizabeth Hasselbeck started to cry and asked "how are we supposed to then move forward if we keep using terms that bring back that pain?" Barbara Walters stepped in and used the opportunity to promote Barack Obama, saying Obama and others are trying to help the country move forward.

New York's governor and the NAACP are condemning the New Yorker magazine's satirical cover of the Obamas.  The cover depicts Barack Obama and his wife as flag-burning radicals. New York Governor David Paterson, the state's first black governor, says the cover is "one of the most malignant, vicious covers of a magazine" he's ever seen. He says "It depicted them as angry, hateful, violent and unpatriotic." Paterson spoke at the civil rights organization's national convention in Cincinnati. The NAACP has released a resolution that calls the cover "tasteless, Islam-a-phobic, mean spirited and racially offensive." It calls on other Americans who are offended by the cover to contact the magazine about their concerns. The New Yorker says it used satire "to hold up a mirror to prejudice, the hateful, and the absurd. And that's the spirit of this cover."

We have a weekly soap opera right here on Sheletta.com called "As the Down Low Brotha Turns" with new episodes each Thursday.  Click here to see the latest in the Rich Clarkson saga, a brother who tries to lead a double life (of gay man and faithful husband) and gets caught up in hair-raising drama! Child, it has more twists and turns than a roller coaster!

Her doctor says she is doing better now. But Natalie Cole is battling Hepatitis C. A statement from her publicist says the diagnosis came after a routine examination, which turned up evidence of the virus. It's believed she got the disease as a result of her years of drug abuse. Her doctor says Cole "has had a terrific response to her medication" and no longer has evidence of the active virus in her system. However, Dr. Graham Woolf of Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles says while that gives her an increased chance of being cured, Cole also has "suffered significant side effects" from the medication she had to take to fight off the virus. Those include fatigue, muscle aches and dehydration. In the statement, Cole says she plans to "meet this challenge with a heartfelt optimism and determination."

As if it wasn't enough that Jesse Jackson was caught muttering that he wanted to castrate presidential candidate Barack Obama. Turns out the civil rights leader also used the n-word in the same discussion about the Democratic hopeful. Fox News says Jackson uttered the racial slur during an off-air conversation while taping "Fox & Friends." Jackson was complaining that he felt Obama was "talking down to black people" -- but used the slur to refer to his fellow African-Americans. Fox never aired those comments. But the other remarks about wanting to cut off a key part of Obama's anatomy were aired last week. In a statement after this latest controversy broke, Jackson apologized for his "hurtful words," and said there was "no justification" for using them. But he didn't specify what "words" he was talking about.

Kimberly Caldwell will be handling the host duties when a new reality show kicks off later this year. The show is called "Jingles" and is basically the search for the next big jingle writer. KISS frontman Gene Simmons will take part in the judging of contestants who try to write ads for various products. In case the name isn't ringing a bell, Caldwell was a contestant on the second season of "American Idol" and made it into the top 10 of singers competing for the title which was won that year by Ruben Studdard.

Shawn was getting ready to go to work one morning last week, and I had the television on Noggin, we were watching Wow Wow Wubzy!  A cute little cartoon that teaches kids not to lie and to be nice to each other!  I like to let Andrew watch it before we get our day started...

We don't do much television, probably about an hour or two a day at the MOST.  If I need to check e-mails or balance my check book--or iron clothes--or mop the floor--I'd turn the television on to let it baby sit my  little boy while I got some things done.

He like music and this Wow Wow Wubzy has the coolest theme song. I mean, hell, I'm 36 years old and I enjoy listening to it.  When it comes on we're usually dancing around and singing and clapping!  When Wow Wow Wubzy is on, I can go outside and walk to the store if I want to, make groceries, come back, and my son will still be in the same spot!

So anyway, back to my story, Andrew was watching Wow Wow Wubzy! and his daddy came downstairs after getting dressed for work and said "Alright son, dad is leaving now." Andrew treated him like he was invisible. The two year old's eyes were glazed over looking at that 52 inch flat screen filled with cute little cuddly cartoon characters!

Shawn kept calling his name, "Andrew, Andrew, ANDREW!!!!" 

Andrew turned to him, smiled and said, "Dad, Wow Wow Wubzy!" (as if to say "Hey dad, can't you see my show is on?").

My husband hit the roof, "Sheletta!  No more television. Weekends only.  The TV remains OFF during the day and until Andrew goes to bed at night."

I was cool with it at first, but damnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, momma needs a break. Now, mind you, I ain't trying to let the television baby sit him like my grandmomma did me when I was a little girl.  I ain't gonna sit up and let him watch Young and the Restless or The Love Boat, but er're now and again, I'd like to run and check e-mails or pee with the door closed or pull a load of clothing out of the dryer!  Wow Wow Wubzy! helped me do that without a two year old nipping at my heels and ankles and a$$!  Wow Wow Wubzy! gave me 30 whole minutes of freedom so that I could get a few things done.  And while that damn cartoon was on, I moved in super human Matrix speed! I'd be cleaning three bathrooms, dusting and washing dishes while that damn show was on, with two or three minutes to spare. 

But now, Wow Wow Wubzy! ain't there to save me. My husband, the breadwinner and the man who pays the mortgage and the light bill has declared that we ain't watching television NO MOE! 

I tried cheating, I really did, but my little talkative son snitched on me and told his dad what happened.  I was trying to make the bed up in the spare room, so I let him watch a few minutes of cartoons so he would stop pulling the damn sheets off and making me start over again.  Childddddddddddddddd, I went ahead and turned on my best friend, Wow Wow Wubzy! and sat Andrew down in front of that television. He didn't move--and I was able to finish my chores.

I thought my secret was safe, until my beloved husband walked through the door and asked "Andrew, what'd you do today son?" And Andrew responded, "Dad, I watch cantoons (that's how he says it, no "r")! Wow Wow Wubzy!" 

I tried to pinch him and I whispered in his ear, "Andrew, you're a snitch!"

My son blurts out "Dad, mom says I'm a snitch!"

Needless to say, when Shawn leaves for work in the morning, the remote goes with him, along with the cable box!

If you thought his music made you get up and move, imagine what an energy drink from George Clinton will do for you. The father of funk is hawking something called Atomic Dogg, an energy drink that contains "Horny Goat Weed" and is supposed to be "a make-you-feel-good, alert and rejuvenated drink." The musician has hooked up with Hall of Fame Beverages for the product.

They are going their separate ways. But as Al Reynolds and Star Jones part, he takes a big chunk of her heart with him. Reynolds says of Jones: "I still very much love her." And now he's speaking publicly about their failed relationship. He tells The Associated Press that other media outlets tried to interview him, thinking he wanted to trash Jones, but he wasn't interested in that. Instead, he taped an interview that is posted on YouTube. In it, he says their marriage began to fall apart last year and that the ongoing whispers that he is gay have damaged his reputation. For the record, he says he's straight and hasn't dated since the break-up.

A judge in New York says 50 Cent can keep the attorney he has working on his beef with his former girlfriend. The decision was made over the objection of the ex, Shaniqua Tompkins, who claimed she once consulted the same attorney, thereby creating a conflict of interest. But the judge disagrees. The judge notes while Tompkins and Brett Kimmell did talk about another matter, they didn't discuss the case at hand. The current case deals with whether the judge should freeze insurance money that might be paid out for the rapper's mansion, which burned to the ground recently. They have been beefing over the 2.4-million-dollar house where Tompkins lived with their 11-year-old son.  Authorities are still investigating the blaze, which they consider suspicious in nature.