It's not often that Shawn and I get to go out. I am usually at home with Andrew while he hangs out at the bar, wishing he were still single again! 

But last night, we had a baby sitter, the pretty gal Courtney, who does nails at the beauty salon that I go to. She agreed to keep Andrew while Shawn and I went to Minneapolis to check out Musiq Soul Child in concert. It was an invitation only event, couldn't buy tickets anywhere, so we didn't want to miss out on this once and a lifetime opportunity.

Since it's been so long since I've gone out, I wanted to be sexy, so I went to the beauty shop and got my hair did like Halle Berry back in Boomerang days (the movie she starred in opposite Eddie Murphy and Robin Givens).  I jetted over to get my eyebrows arched and was too cute for my own good!

When we started getting dressed to leave, I noticed that my clothes were a little snug.  So I had to go downstairs and find a sundress that was free flowing and allowed "room for error".  It wasn't a maternity outfit, but it was one of those "I just had a baby" transition dresses.  Except I didn't think I'd ever have to put it on again, seeing as how my "baby" is now a "toddler" and I should be back to my pre-birth, not pre-delivery weight!

So I had on the dress and I was walking around looking for my shoes when Shawn noticed that I had an awful pantie line.  Well, I was sporting my granny panties. You know, the comfortable cotton ones that go from your knees to your neck. The damn things could double as a turtle neck sweater in the winter time they are so big!  But you can't beat the granny pantie for comfort! 

Shawn asked, "Baby, do you still have any thongs that you can fit?"

I ain't wanna tell him that I hadn't bought a thong since I was a size "medium" and that was many, many, many moons (and donuts) ago!

Well, I went upstairs to  my pantie drawer and low-and-behold, I found a thong in a size large. It was as if God had planted it there!  I replaced my old faithfuls and we hit the town...

But something wasn't right!!

During the concert, I stood up to dance while they performed one of my favorite songs, and the thong, it ran away from me. The damn thing tapped me on the back, submitted it's letter of resignation and "rolled" off the job.  The  note read, "Hey fat girl. You're stretching me too thin.  I'm doing more work than required of me in my initial contract and I refused to be treated this way. You're putting more on me than I can handle, so I tender my resignation effective immediately."

I tried negotiating with the damn thing, but the thong decided it was best to part ways.  I asked for at least a four hour notice--but the thong denied my request.

So here I am, all night long, pulling and tugging and trying to locate the panties that I KNOW I put on before I left home. But the thong was no where to be found. Every now and again, I'd feel it roll down and get caught between a layer or two of stomach fat, but it quickly disappeared. Almost like it evaporated into my skin or something...

Shawn looked over at me and asked "What's wrong? Why are you tugging at your dress?"

"It's not the dress," I assured him, "it's the damn thong I put on.  It keeps rolling down and getting stuck in a fat roll somewhere. Problem is, I can't figure out which one without digging in there and trying to find it."

Shawn giggled, "Your thong got hydraulics, it's hitting switches on you. It's rolling like a low-rider car in East L.A.!"

We both busted out laughing when I told him, "I'm just gonna change my name to David Blaine. I'm a freaking magician!  I can make a thong disappear."