"Lawd deliver me from this woman that is known as the anti-Christ my mother in law."
That was my prayer to Jesus as I woke up out of my sleep this morning to the sound of a tractor trailer her oxygen machine. It's like sleeping next to a damn lawn mower--and the thing gives off so much heat, we gotta turn the air on just to balance things out (and it's cold outside).
I knew it would be bad--my mother-in-law staying with me for seven full days, from Wednesday to Wednesday, but I never thought that I'd want to kill her so soon. I thought I would at least make it to Tuesday before I literally wanted to feed her rat poison or go in the bathroom while she's taking a shower and drop a blow dryer in her tub of hot bubble bath.
This woman is trying to send me to jail. I think she's on a suicide mission--cause with the things she's doing around here--she MUST want me to kill her. That's it, she don't want to take her own life so she can get a proper church burial--so she's gonna get me to do her dirty work for her. That's the only thing I can think of y'all--cause surely ain't nobody in the world this mean and hateful.
To make matter's worse, she ain't but 80 pounds soaking wet, she's got an oxygen tank strapped to her back and she's frail. You wouldn't think that she'd be so ugly to somebody when she got one foot on the grave and another foot on a banana peel and she's wearing skates without stoppers on 'em. If you look at her you'd think "Oh Sheletta, she's a sweet old lady, she ain't that bad." Shittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!
And I'm putting up with her cause she's my husband's momma AND he pays all the bills AND if I say something, it's just gonna make things worse, AND she's so old that I know she ain't gonna be around much longer--so I figure I can grin and bear it. Plus that, my husband puts up with my crazy momma when she comes and he don't complain--and I'm sure she gets on his nerves just as bad as his momma gets on mine.
I had another Top 10 planned for today, but I gotta break down this mother-in-law drama and tell y'all what she done did before I choke to death. I was gonna try to keep it inside and not tell y'all--but it kept poking at me--like a hang nail.
And I ain't gonna do 10 things today--cause if I have to relive the horror of the past five days, I might just break down and cry. So here's this week's Top 5:
TOP 5 things my mother-in-law has done to get me to kill her cause she obviously wants to die, but don't want to do it herself:
5. I went to the store to get dinner and when I came home my stove was cleaned off. She had taken an SOS soap pad and cleaned the covers on the stove. Now mind you, the stove wasn't dirty--but she felt it could be cleaner. When I asked her why she said "Because that stove was too dirty for you to cook my food on." Ooh, I almost stabbed her with a plastic butter knife! I'm still holding it right now while I type...
4. We were entertaining company at the house when Andrew came up to me and said "Mommy, boo boo. Pamper mommy. Itch." Meaning he had went potty in his pamper and he needed to be changed. The lady who was visiting, Mother Long we call her, Andrew's surrogate grandmother and the sweetest thing this side of heaven said to me "Oh Sheletta, he's so sharp. He's not even two years old. And he's saying all of that. You're doing a great job with him." Of course, my mother in law wasn't gonna let the compliment just lay there on the floor without shooting it. She chimed in, "He ought to be sharp. She ain't working. I was working, I had five kids and they were all potty trained before they were two years old. He's doing that because his daddy is smart. That's where he gets that from. You can't teach that."
3. She eats ice cream. Loves the stuff, can't get enough! So, she sent me to the store to get her some ice cream and she said "large cones". I go to the store, get her brand and the largest cones I could fine were waffle cones. Hell, they were even $2 more than the regular cones. Well, I come back and she's preparing ice cream and she looks at the box and asks me, "Did I ask for waffle cones? I asked for large ice cream cones! You must eat waffle cones, because I don't eat them." I explained to her that I don't eat ice cream at home period. If we want ice cream we go to a creamery, like Marble Slab or Cold Stone. So, needless to say, her husband wound up walking to the store to get her cones that she likes. It was snowing outside and cold. I don't think they brought coats--cause we ain't really expect it to be this damn cold outside.
2. The first night they got here, I had planned to cook spaghetti. Well, I forgot that I had signed up to volunteer at the YWCA and talk to some kids about the importance of staying in school (I was in college for 10 years getting a 4 year degree--that qualifies me to talk about staying in school--cause I damn near never left)! Shawn reminded me so I went upstairs, got dressed and left, while Shawn started on dinner. Well, they had two groups for me to talk to, so my 20 minute speech took twice as long. When I got home, Shawn was done and setting the table for everyone to eat. I jumped right in the kitchen and starting fixing drinks and setting out silverware for everyone to eat with. When my mother-in-law got ready to sit down at the dinner table, I was putting out the bread. So after dinner, she makes the smart alack comment, "Shawn, son, that was some good food. I'm glad you thought enough of me to cook and feed me. Otherwise, I guess I'd starve to death. Oh, Sheletta, the bread was good too!"
2b. Keeping with the cooking theme, Shawn fried fish Saturday, so we ate fried fish and potatoes. Well, after dinner my mother-in-law looked at me and said "Sheletta, can you cook this good? I guess I'll never know since Shawn does all the cooking and housework around here." That one right there almost got her jaw caved in!
1. We're sitting at brunch after church with Shawn, his dad, my mother in law, Andrew, my girlfriend Toni from church and one of Toni's friends. So we're talking and chatting and laughing and having a good time. Eating between jokes. My mother-in-law finishes her plate of food and says "Oh, I'm sleepy." So we all say "Yeah, alright. We're sleepy too." and we keep eating and having a good time. The food was heavy--and y'all know black folks, we eat and fall right to sleep. I think it's in our DNA or something. So I'm in the middle of telling Toni's friend (who I've never met) my famous "Why I don't let women pee in my house..." joke when my mother in law interrupts me and says "Sheletta, your mouth is open but you ain't putting no food in it. I'm finished eating, I'm sleepy and I'm ready to go. If you would stop talking so much and put some food in your mouth, we could have left hours ago."
