My great grandmother takes about 10 prescriptions per day. When I was home recently, I watched her pop pill after pill and couldn't figure out what the hell they were all for. At 86 years old, great-grandma Freddie is relatively healthy. She gets around like she wants to, doesn't walk with a limp or a cane. She can see pretty good. Still sporting that jerry curl she got back in 1985 cause it's low maintenance and she's not going back to a perm under any circumstances.
So I asked her "Great grandma Freddie, what the hell you need all these pills for?"
She wen down the list "Well, this one is for this and the other one is for that!"
Half the damn pills she probably didn't need, but the drug manufacturers have convinced old folks that if they don't take at least 10 pills a day, they're gonna die! I got news for 'em all: one day, we're all gonna die! With or without the damn prescriptions!!!
So this morning, my momma called to tell me that my great-grandma Freddie had a dizzy spell and fell and hit her hand! Well, went to the emergency room and come to find out, she broke her wrist. ER docs traced it back to a prescription that she didn't really need that was causing black outs. That's one of the side effects--but she doesn't remember the doctor giving her that warning--but then again, she got a prescription to help her stop forgetting $hit!
I get off the phone with my momma this morning--after she tells me about great grandma Freddie, and I can't sleep. So I'm up, at 3 in the morning, trying to come up with a Top 10--then a commercial comes on talking about a prescription drug that cures your sinus infections--but one of the side effects is intestinal bleeding. I don't know about you, but I'd rather have the sniffles!
Well, I laughed so hard at that one, I peed on myself! Little did I know, the airwaves are littered with prescription commercials and at the end (it must be a damn law or something) they list all the side effects of the medication! Child, I laughed and grabbed my lap top, thus inspiring this week's top 10 list:
Top 10 Prescription Side Effects
10. I saw a Celebrex commercial that told me it would stop my menstrual cramps! It's supposed to be good for acute pain--but it causes bloody stool. So you mean to tell me I'll be bleeding out of both ends? Always ain't got a pad that can handle all that!
9. Man, I was taking Lunestra, cause I wasn't sleeping too good. Lunestra is supposed to be a good sleeping aid--but it causes delusional behavior and makes you dizzy. Hell, you ain't posed to drive or operate machinery after taking it--and you ain't posed to take it unless you can devote 8 hours of sleep once you pop it in your mouth. What stay at home momma can get 8 minutes of continuous sleep--let alone 8 hours? Andrew needed a diaper change when I was on that $hit, I wound up putting the pamper on his head instead of his a$$!
8. Y'all ever heard of a medication called Cytotec? It's supposed to prevent stomach ulcers. However, once you get rid of your stomach ulcers, you have to deal with abdominal cramps and nausea. Hell, I might as well get pregnant and deal with morning sickness...
7. There was this one commercial that came on, 'bout 2:30 this morning for a drug called Addreall that causes SUDDEN DEATH! Child paleeze! Right there in the damn advertisement, they want you to take this drug for your ADHD, and in the same breath, the announcer warns that "cases of sudden death have occurred"... I'd rather be hyper active and still alive than laid out in a casket all calm and cozy!
6. They got this $hit called Zithromax that treats bacterial infections... well, what they don't tell you is that it'll jack up your skin--causing face edema and a fungal infection. So you'll walk around scratching and itching all day...
5. And speaking of itching, if your skin ever does get a few bumps here and there, be sure you DON'T take Retin-A! 'Cause while it'll make your rash clear up, it causes difficulty breathing. I'd rather have the damn pimples...
4. I had an aunt who was taking that Estrogen patch, and she was already crazy as all get out--then when she started taking the patch it got worse. Well, come to find out--the damn thing causes anxiety attacks. First of all, she was crazy cause her Estrogen levels were off--she got the patch to make things better--and her crazy a$$ got worse. So instead of thinking just her family was out to get her, now she thinks there is a government conspiracy against her because she's a black Republican and is voting for John McCain.
3. If you are feeling down and out, stay away from Wellbutrin. It's supposed to help treat symptoms for depression--but it causes a decreased sex drive. So when you're happy and feeling better--you don't even want to celebrate by getting "a little bit".
2. They have this prescription called Nasonex that is supposed to prevent runny noses--but it causes bone pain! I done had a lot of stuff hurt me at one time or another--but I ain't never had my bones pain. Pass me a damn Kleenex tissue and keep my bones from aching!
1. My daddy always told my brothers, "Don't lose your head over a piece of ass!" Somebody should have told that to the makers of Viagra--cause taking that stuff--just to get you a "piece" will cause blindness. So you'll be "ready" to get you some, but you won't be able to find it--cause you can't see a lick! That's just the funniest side effect--you can also have a heart attack, which will probably happen to the 80-something year old dude who ain't got no business trying to have sex with a 20 year old girl anyway.
