I really don't wanna take Andrew to the damn doctor's appointment today.  I'm really tired of this witch craft they are calling pediatric medicine these days!

It's obvious that the health care industry really doesn't want me to get my sick child well--otherwise they don't make any money.  I'm still pissed off they took the infant cold medication off the shelves.  Now, instead of just getting my child well at home, I gotta take Andrew to the doctor's office every time his nose is stopped up so they can check him, tell me he has a cold--then bill me $300 for the damn visit!

And so that we don't wind up with a bunch of doctor's bills that we can't pay--we call the emergency pediatric phone line to try and get advice from these "so called" health care professionals about everything from why Andrew's poop is black to his soar throat.  The way it works is they've got this "trained pediatric expert" on the phone and you tell her what the problem is--it's usually a nurse who has been in the business for a long time--and she can give you a diagnosis over the phone.

But the problem is that these goofy heffas don't know their a$$es from a hole in the ground. I might as well call my senile old grandmother who can't remember her own name and ask her for her social security number.  'Cause the $hit these nurses tell you to do for your kids over the phone makes no sense.

Andrew was pooping all over the place, which led to a bad case of diaper rash.  So I called the emergency pediatric line to find out what they'd suggest we do to stop his little bottom from being so irritated.  This heffa tells me "Let him sleep without his pamper on--because he needs to air out!" 

I was floored.  "Do you know how much  my son pees at night?" I asked her, "And you expect me to let him lay in the bed soaking wet with urine all over the place!  And he sleeps so wild, he'd wake up with pee all over his face and body. I don't see how that's going to help clear up his diaper rash!"

"No, no." she informed me, "Just put a thick towel down on the baby bed and he can sleep on that."

I just hung up the phone in her face. I was so pissed off.  And who is supposed to clean all that up is what I wanna know?  My baby would have been pissy from head to toe fooling with this woman!

So I waited a few hours, changed our names and called back pretending to be someone else, hoping I'd get someone different.  I did--except this nurse was goofier than the first one I talked to.  She told me, "Well, Mrs. I would just allow little Andrew to run around for 10 or 20 minutes without a pamper and let his little bum air out.  That'll clear up some of the diaper rash."

"But," I tried explaining to her, "he's got the runs! And if I take his pamper off, he's gonna $hit all over my house!"

But, they are the professionals, right?  So I decided to listen to the cow and needless to say, I took that boy's pamper off, and 2 seconds later--I was cleaning up chocolate cake batter from the front door to the kitchen! 

When it was all said and done, I wound up throwing away a rug, two floor mats and an entire play pen.  And guess what? My son still had a diaper rash after being free from a pamper and $hitting all over my house!