the finger and the cold shoulder. Y'all know them Jackson boys are doing bad. Randy working at Discount Tires, Jermaine's old ass still living at home with "momma nem"... so Poppa Joe decided they'd do one last "Jackson Reunion Tour" to help pay er'rebody's bills off. Mike was down with it at first, but now, looks like the King of Pop (and pedophilia) says he ain't got no plans to tour with them. And I'm sorry, but I ain't paying $100 for a ticket to hear Marlon sing lead. In fact, they'd have to pay me for that...   more »

So we were hanging with some friends of ours the other day, and just laughing and having a good time, being silly.  Andrew was with us, of course, participating in all the action. Dancing, spinning around, spelling his name... clowning just like his momma!

And I guess, for the first time, he realized that someone was calling me something other than "mommy".  He heard our pals say "Hey, Sheletta, this and that" or "Hey Sheletta, what happened to thus and so?"... and he looked around and realized "Oh, mommy has a name other than mommy, it's Shelella." 

So my two year old jumped on the "Shelella" bandwagon and took to calling me "Shelella" for the entire evening.  "Shelella, I'm ready for a bottle." and "Shelella, I want some cookies."  It tickled him so much every time he said it, he doubled over in laughter.  And so did our friends and my husband...

Now look, I'm used to the project kids calling their mommas by their first names, cause they hardly see their mommas, and grand momma is usually the one raising 'em.  So they are calling their grand momma "Mommy" and their momma "Pam"... cause that's just how they get down.  But hell, I'm home all day, and don't take kindly to my son calling me by my "slave name"!   So I told him sternly, "Mommy's name is MOMMY!"

Andrew looked at me with a devilish grin and said "Mommy's name is Shelella!"  and everybody busted out laughing!

I tried to get Shawn to make Andrew act right, so I asked my beloved husband "Honey, do you know a girl named Sheletta?"

He rolled his eyes in the back of his head as if he was taking himself back to a magical place in time when he responded, "I knew a girl named Sheletta once.  Man, she was a fox.  Sized 4 coca-cola shape, hair always stylish, skin flawless, toes and nails always had a perfect french manicure.  She could dress too.  Her signature style was too-tight capri pants and knee high boots.  And in the summer time she'd rock a big booty wrap around sundress with open toed sandals.  Man... yeah, I knew a girl named Sheletta once.  But I think she died.  Cause I ain't seen her in years..."

"Yeah she died." I quipped, "The day she said I do.  She put down the high heeled shoes and picked up a dust pan, a kitchen pan, an ironing board, a poopy pamper and a kid's story book.  She died in the kitchen trying to wash bottles, cook a meal, sweep the floor, wipe the counters and fold laundry.  I think the smell of too much Clorox finally killed her!"

but my provider who hosts my website has me beat. So these bastards done went under, apparently, they ain't even in business anymore, but still deducting money from our account MONTHLY to host the site.  And we get to the end of our bandwith--and we get no warning--except a notice telling us "your bandwith has been exceeded". 

And I didn't even see that until Keith, Bridget and Wendy brought it to my attention. I'm over here trying to get ready for a visit to see my mother in law. And if that ain't bad enough--now we can't find the folks who are supposed to host Sheletta.com.  Them jokers done pulled a "night move" on us and left us high and dry.

For those folks who don't know what a "night move" is, that's when you don't pay your rent for a few months, and then in the middle of the night, you have your cousins come in and move you out to your momma's house while your landlord is sleeping--before he can change the locks on you of course and hold your stuff until you pay up!

So anyway, they done pulled a night move, but it's all good, cause I know how to deal with ghetto folks, cause I'm one of 'em.  Until we get a new host, we're just going to "borrow" the CrossRoads site.  So just keep logging on to Sheletta.com and we'll keep providing funny $hit daily, like we always do, along with good news and information. 

Thank y'all for sticking with us and being faithful...

into an OUT HOUSE!  So we're trying to potty train the little two year old, and things are going pretty well. He'll do #1 on the pot, but not #2. Which is understandable... sometimes I wish I could just walk around and take a dump in my own pamper, and keep moving, keep grocery shopping, keep playing in the park... life would be a lot simplier!

But anyway, so I notice that every time the little Gremlin has to poopy, he goes to his play house.  Now, the damn thing must have cost my momma a good $300.  It's one of those Little Tikes deluxe play houses. Oh, it ain't no cheap buy!  So anyway, I picked up on the fact that every time he had to hunker down and "relieve himself" he would go in his play house, shut the door, sit down on his stool and use the restroom.  Sometime he'd read a book, other times he'd sit quietly.

The other day, he got really quiet, so I went in the play room to see what was going on, and I saw him, sitting there like a 65 year old man, pooping in his play house.  "Andrew," I called out, "don't you wanna go to the pot?"

"Mom," he waved me off, "I'm trying to poop." And he turned his head and finished doing his "business".  When he was done, brother man, opened the door, grabbed a pamper and came to me and said "Mom, I got a hunk of poop."

The boy done turned a $300 play house into an out house!

I gotta get to Warren Ohio soon to see my mother-in-law. If I don't take Andrew to see her, she's gonna try to bring her mean hateful self here to Minneapolis--and I can't have her terrorizing me in my own home. She's an American terrorist... to hell with what you heard about Bill Ayers... my mother in law makes Osama bin Laden look like Gandhi. She keeps trying to convince me to go back to work, so Shawn can start sending her a stipend again. I keep telling her, I ain't 'bout to go back to the plantation for nobody. And every time I see her, she makes me pay for it...   more »

the ghost. He pulled out as the opening act of her tour. Y'all know Janet's tour has been plagued with problems--she's been out sick--had to cancel several dates and missed two weeks of performance dates! Ole' LL said he's got kids to feed, plus all his outside women to take care of, and he needs something a bit more regular.   more »

So I'm reading the New York Times and I came across this story where a Japanese groom-to-be burned down the hotel where he was 'posed to get married rather than wed his fiance. I thought "Man, if Shawn had a blow torch and some lighter fluid back on July 1st of 2006, our beloved Fellowship Baptist Church in Minneapolis would be an empty block now."...   more »

in the white van that police have been looking for since the shooting deaths of her mom and brother last Friday. The little boy, 7 year old Julian was found dead! This is heart breaking! As a mom it's hard to watch police search for a missing little boy. As a daughter and sister, I shutter to think how I would handle a phone call telling me that my momma and brother were dead. And as much as I love my nieces and nephews, just the thought of them having a cold makes me sad. This situation is too much to take, details inside...   more »

I wasn't really upset. 2008 has been the year of "ALMOST" for me. A bunch of $hit almost happened, but didn't really come to pass. Like, I got a call from the Oprah Winfrey Show about coming on as a guest, but they checked my criminal record and found those restraining orders and all those hot checks, and booked another guest. And last week, I almost got pregnant with our second child, but Shawn quickly sobered up and realized, it was ME! All that inspires this week's top 10...   more »

Y'all know Sheletta.com was up for an Emmy award for Best Blog. Wellllll, the ceremony was last night and we didn't get the nod.  The trophy went to a guy named Rally Ride with a website called PressPassTV.  Of course I had plans to beat the hell out of him in the parking lot after the gala was over, take his trophy and carve a backward "S" on his left cheek, but during his acceptance speech, the young man said some very wonderful things about Sheletta.com, and spent most of his time praising our website and telling people they should really "check it out".  He seemed genuinely surprised that he won; and hell, that made two of us. I was surprised he won too.  But we'll get 'em next year. 

Ticket to the Emmy awards: $300, getting the dress you wore last year pressed, hoping it'll look new: $20, baby sitting fees: $40, hair cuts for you and your husband: $100.  Hanging out with your friends all night getting drunk and laughing at fat girls who wear sleeveless glittery dresses to awards ceremonies that are two sizes too small (and spend the entire night pulling and tugging; hoping to avoid a wardrobe malfunction): PRICELESS! 

Oh, but don't get it twisted, y'all know all the money we shelled out, I came home with something don't you? I took three coffee cups, all the unused silverware at my table, a few saucers and three plates.  I took four of those nice linen napkins too.  So the night wasn't a total loss!

I work in an environment in a constant state of flux with regards to staff office space and locations. As a healthcare system, our first order of business is taking care of patients. However, there is a need to “house” all of the people who provide business, accounting, and administrative support for the clinical enterprise. In 4 years here, I have changed office locations 3 times, and the people in the offices adjacent to mine have also changed with 2 new departments occupying space that used to belong to others. I wouldn’t mind except for the fact that all this change causes significant disruption of my regularly scheduled daily downloads of fecal matter.   more »

when somebody dies. I'm coming in the house, bags of groceries in one hand and a two year old screaming in the other and she calls screaming "Did you hear about Jennifer Hudson's momma?" I was like "Momma, we don't know Jennifer Hudson!" After she cussed me out, she went on to tell me that the Oscar winner's mom was found shot dead! Not sure of all the details yet. I was gonna post breaking news about Isiah Thomas' over dose on sleeping pills; but it got trumped when I found out about the crazy white girl who claimed a black man beat her up because she supported McCain, but her story turned out to be as bogus as Sarah Palin's foreign affairs experience. So I'm just gonna do a ghetto news brief...   more »

but I'm ready for this damned election to be over! Can we all just vote today and declare a winner say by 5 o'clock? Cause I'm physically drained from all the ads, the pundits on MSNBC, the newspaper articles, the candidates criss-crossing the country and Palin's wardrobe malfunction. I done even started dreaming about the canddiates, hell last night, Joe the Pipe Fixer (cause he ain't got no license) was fixing my sink. Let's have Obama and McCain do a "rock, paper, scissor" contest, and the best two out of three gets the job.   more »

and his family is still trying to figure out how they'll split up that roll of quarters he had in the bank. Every week, he's got a new kid added to the list, and every day a new "creditor" comes out to say that the Godfather of Soul owed them money for this, that or the other. How about everybody goes home empty handed and call this one a "wash". Cause by the time his kids pay for lawyer's fees, take off from work to go to court, testify at hearings... they will have spent up any money they actually get in a settlement. Why black folks don't do wills? Colored folks always fighting at funerals 'bout who is gonna get what. From potted plants to fake china...   more »

What I wanted to know is how in the hell did Queen Latifah, Alicia Keys and the rest of the ladies on the set stay calm with all those bees around them. I would have been jumping and moving--surely I would have gotten stung a few times. But according to my cousin MeMe, Queen Latifah said during the filming, everybody stayed calm, even though the bees were crawling all over 'em. Nobody actually got stung!   more »

Ms. Teen Louisiana for starters! She and her goofy weed head girlfriends go to a restaurant for a little "eat and run". Four of em ate less than $50 worth of food before they ran off without paying. Now see, that shows you how stupid she is, if me and four of my fat ass friends go anywhere and decide to "eat and run", we're going to get the restaurant for at least $300 or $400 easy. They committed a crime for appetizers, cheezy bread and cups of soup. And if that wasn't goofy enough, they returned to the scene of the crime cause Ms. Louisiana forgot her pocket book. I'm just glad she's pretty, 'cause Lord knows she ain't got good sense.   more »

Let's face it people, if Sen. John McCain gets elected, there's a real possibility that Sarah Palin could be moving into the Oval Office within a few months.

Can you imagine?

Well, the founders of one web site gave it some thought. And I am glad they did because they developed the funniest online political satire I've seen so far this political season.

Check out the link below when you have a few minutes to kill at work. It's fantastic. Click around a few things on the desk. My favorite is the globe.

(Make sure your volume is turned on, don't worry, I won't get you in trouble at work:)

http://www.palinaspresident.us/
   more »

sick as a dog! I got a 102 fever, and I'm running from my nose to my a$$!!! My two year old woke up at 6:30 this morning asking for Michael Jackson's "Thriller" cause he wanted to dance and I'm thinking "I'm so glad it's Tuesday, cause I get to do Blast from the Past" and not worry about being funny. Well, not so fast, my webmaster calls me and tells me that I gotta weigh in on Rush Limbaugh, Michelle Bachman and the '08 Presidential Race. He apologized for being a "taskmaster", I'd prefer the term "slave master"...   more »

and Redd Foxx! Yep, ole' Rudy Ray Moore is dead! My cousin MeMe called me yesterday with the news. He died Sunday nite at a nursing home in Ohio, he was 81 years old. They say he had complications from diabetes. In case y'all ain't know, Rudy was the original Bernie Mac back in the late 1960s and early 1970s, he made comedy party records that black folks LOVEEDED! He's an icon and legend...   more »

that says "parts of this country in a recession", well, it must have hit East St. Paul first, cause I'm damn sure feeling the pain!

I went to Target yesterday with my little "household items" list.  I made it out before I left home so I wouldn't double up on things I don't need or forget the toilet paper we were out of (y'all don't even wanna know what we were using)!  Times are so hard, we can only afford to wipe every other visit to the "John".  Toilet paper is a premium at my house. 

So anyway, I also, with my trusty list, mapped out exactly how much money the items would cost.  The toilet paper, washing powder, pampers, cocoa butter and other thangs came out to roughly $70 bucks by my calculations.

This was before I read about the recession in the newspaper.  This was before I realized my house was the first one tagged by the affects of a failed Bush economy.  I took my a$$ to Target with a list and exactly $70.  I got generic and used coupons.  Instead of Tide, I bought Purex washing powder.  I put down the Glade sam'mich bags and got Target's brand that leaves all your food smelling and tasting like plastic (we ain't even gonna talk about leakage).  And I left the good Palmer's cocoa butter on the shelf for something called "I can't believe it's NOT cocoa butter"--once I put it on my skin, I could!  I'm still trying to get rid of the damned rash!

So I wiggle my fat a$$ up to the counter, put my stuff on the belt, hand the lady my coupons and when she finished ringing me up, it came to a grand total of $103.79!  Look, I know $70 worth of $hit when I see it. And I didn't pick up anything extra, but still, there I stood, writing a hot a$$ check for $103.79 cause my husband and I need toilet paper.  And I'm thinking in my head, "Andrew has either gotta get potty trained this week, or run the risk of being walked in the park with a leash and a pooper scooper in the park.  Cause I ain't got the $20+ required for a case of pampers!"

get arrested for beating up your wife when you're 72 years old? Mr. Soul Train himself, Don Cornelius watched Colin Powell on Meet the Press from his jail cell this morning. He was picked up over the weekend on domestic violence charges. What did he do? Bite her with his false teeth? And she could have run from him--at 72 it ain't like he can chase her down!!! I know what happened, she must have told him that she was voting for John McCain and that Marvin Gaye can't really sing--that probably sent Don right over the edge...   more »

my husband goes out of town for a conference, I'm going to need him to take a nap on the airplane.  He came home tired, groggy and sleepy after being gone for a week.  Mind you, I've been without my "Love Jones" for four days--so I was ready to jump on him like a Spider Monkey when he deboarded the plane!  I was thinking about all the "thangs" I was gonna do to him when he got home.  And the mood was right, the atmosphere was perfect, Andrew was sleep for a nap and the house was quiet. We had the four minutes we needed to make our "love connection"!

And I had gone to great lengths to make sure I was looking like "somebody's wife" when I picked him up from the airport this afternoon.  I got up at 5:30, took a bath AND BRUSHED MY TEETH!  Went to the beauty shop at 7 this morning and got my feet "did".  All the corn, husk and old skin are gone!  Got my hair done up right too. 

Yesterday I went to Spalon and got my bikini waxed so I wouldn't look like I had a monkey in a figure-four leg lock!  I even went to Victoria's Secret last night and got me a special "occasion" outfit to tickle his fancy!

SIDENOTE: So I hate bikini waxes.  I'm sitting there and I'm telling the lady I'm a "screamer".  Andrew is sitting in the chair while she's peeling my skin off with hot wax and paper towels!  As I screamed, Andrew screamed too and he was so tickled that his momma was in pain.  I turned to my two year old baby toy and pleaded, "Andrew, pray for your momma." to which the man-child bowed his head and closed his eyes and said "Our father, in Jesus name, A-men."  When he looked up, the culprit who was doing the waxing was taking a piece of paper to pull more hot wax off my bikini line and torture me with ungodly pain!  Andrew says "Mom, you've got another one!" And every single time she got ready to pull the wax off with those white pieces of paper, my son would yell out "Mom, you've got another one!!!"

Now I done wrote about $200 worth of hot checks to make my  husband's homecoming memorable.  I figure I'd better look sexy cause he's been at a conference in Atlanta (home of the strip clubs) looking at all them thick sisters--I'd better give him a reason to wanna come home.  So anyway, we get home, put Andrew up, get in the bed, I cuddle up to my husband.... he rolls over and falls asleep. BACK TO HIS WIFE!  I said to myself, "Well, we're back to basics."...

to ride with me to California and crack some heads with their GOP party. I just got wind of a story where the Cali delegation sent out a newsletter depicting Barack Obama on a food stamp card, eating fried chicken, watermelon and a rack of ribs. They claim they didn't see the "racial connotation", it was just "food to them". It'll be just an "ass whooping" if I catch up with them! They'd better be glad I ain't got enough gas money to make it out of Wisconsin, cause otherwise I'd put an "Uncle Kathy" beat down on them fools for being disrespectful. See, Obama takes the high road too much, he needs some crazy head crackers like me and Uncle Kathy to "chin check" folks when they get out of line...   more »

or is Law & Order addictive? I was up all night and watched about fifty-leven damned reruns on TNT, one after another after another... cause once I see a dead body, I can't just go to sleep, I'm just as committed as the cops to find out who the killer is and see that culprit brought to justice! And TNT ain't no dummy, they put the episodes on back to back without commercial interruption between them, so just as you think you're about to turn off the television, here comes another dead body, and you've gotta see who the murderer is. A one hour committment done turned into four hours of being a couch potato...   more »

I don't understand the music industry. Left Eye left TLC to do her solo project, got all the songs recorded and was ready to drop the album, but nobody would distribute it for her. So it sat on the shelf all these years. Now, after the girl done been dead since 2002, her album is going to be released next month on the 11th. I wanna know who gets the money...   more »

or my house is just making too many damned noises! Shawn is out of town in Atlanta and I'm hearing everything from people plotting to kidnap me to the man next door coughing! I can't sleep from all the crooks and cracks and creeks I keep hearing in my house. At one point, it sounded like three Ninjas were on my roof. I don't think Brinks Security will be enough... I'm gonna need two secret service agents, four thugs (recently paroled, of course) and a stun gun!!!   more »

the folks who read this website to check on their white friends today! Cause a few of them have been hypnotized into voting for John "I can't remember my last name" McCain and Sarah "dumb as a stick" Palin. I think she mesmorized some of 'em during the Vice Presidential debate with one of those winks. I was talking to my best friend the other day (a white guy who lives down south) and he told me he was voting Republican because "Barack Obama is a terrorist". Now this is a college educated guy who is smart as a whip and dates black women. I'm thinking "Damn, if he really believes this, what are the rest of white folks thinking?" So, we'll call today "Check in on your white friend day!"--consider this part of your community service to this country...   more »

then why are all his chil'len up in court today fighting with each other? If his kids can't get along, there is NO hope for the rest of us in the world! Child one of kids, Bernice, has her mother's "personal papers" but refuses to turn them over to Dexter, the oldest boy, who has inked a book deal to get them published! The publishers are like "Look, y'all get your $hit together, or we'll just all James Brown's kids, at least one of them eleven of 'em ought to have some personal papers where he wrote something down worth writing about!"   more »

Since Shawn is in Atlanta for his "healthcare conference", I pulled an oldie but goodie out of the vault from Sheletta.com to mark Tuesday's Blast from the Past. It was a guest post from April 2007 from my best friend Chris who gave Shawn a little helpful advice: "Top 10 Things Shawn Better Not Let his Crazy wife find out about from his ATL Trip". Even thought it was more than a year ago, the same rules still apply...   more »

So John McCain is holding these "rallies" last week telling folks that ole' Barack Obama "pals around with terrorists" and that we really don't know "who the real Barack Obama is". Now that these "rallies" have turned ugly and folks all across the world see what's going on, he wants to act like he didn't set the ball in motion perpetuating this kind of ignorance and hatred about our first black Presidential candidate. Now I ain't never been to a Klan rally, but I imagine it would be something like the madness that's happening at these town hall meetings McCain and Palin are holding cross the country...   more »

for a conference tomorrow.  That jigga man will be gone for five days.  FIVE DAYS!!  I'm going to be trapped with a two year old with no relief in sight!  And being in Atlanta, you KNOW what that means? STRIP CLUBS!  When he went to the bank Saturday to get his "traveling money", he told the teller "Give it to me all in ones--yeah, all 150-bucks!"

He's supposed to be at a health care conference for black administrators, but I know he won't be attending any workshops or educational seminars, cause he's going to be in Atlanta, you know what that means: STRIP CLUBS!  Unless a pole dancer falls out and needs mouth to mouth, he ain't gonna be doing anything remotely close to health care!

And all these sisters at this conference have six-figure salaries and drive nice cars and have good credit--most of 'em can cook too.  And the majority of them, are single!  With high salaries and high expectations for their mate, they've priced themselves right out of the "marriage market"!  So Shawn's gonna take his charming a$$ to Atlanta (home of the STRIP CLUBS) with a fist full of singles and a conference full of single good looking good credit having educated women without his ball and chain or his child....

Man, I'm in some serious trouble!!  But not to worry, I have a plan. While he was packing last night, I went through his suit case and took out all his new underwear that he bought for the trip and replaced them with his old funky "round the house" drawers!  The ones with the holes in 'em and the stains that won't come out.  Those are the only ones he can take on his trip.  I figure if he gets there, and somehow, he gets lucky enough to take his clothes off in a room and there happens to be a single attractive woman nearby ('cause of course my husband would NEVER cheat, this would only happen by accident), when she sees those raggedy drawers, it'll scare the hell out of her and she'll run for the border...

a few folks in Minnesota are making the whole entire state look like a bunch of doofy night school GED graduates. First, the little old lady in Lakeville gets on television and calls Barack Obama an "Arab", then.... Chris Baker and Langdon Perry of KTLK Radio in Minneapolis claim NBA legend Magic Johnson faked having AIDS. Not ony was that comment "dumb as hell" but totally off base. Magic has HIV, not AIDS! But of couse, Mr. Magic is a class act, instead of calling for dumb and dumber to be fired from their radio gigs, Magic wants them to educate their audience about the disease. Speaking of education, after these incidents, I'm not trusting the Minnesota public school system to teach my son these days (home schooling is looking more and more like my only option)...   more »

"we just spent three hours shopping at Albertville Outlet mall. It's an outdoor shopping extravaganza that's about two miles long and inludes all our favorite stores like Nine West, Ralph Lauren and The Gap Kids. After spending all my husband's money, we headed back to the car to leave and I got tired! It was hot, I was hungry, and my thighs were rubbing together hard enough to start a fire. Shopping had worn me out!!! I told Shawn, "Baby, you know how they have the lactation rooms at Mother Hood Maternity and the baby changing rooms at Babies R Us? Well, they need a big girl buffet station in Lane Bryant's--some place fat chicks can stop, eat, and nap while they are out shopping with their family and friends!"   more »

isn't the negative campaign ads, or even the fact that Sarah Palin is an idiot but has been able to convince folks that she's "playing stupid" for television news cameras.  No  my friends, the travesty of it all is Condoleeza Rice (and gravy). 

Shawn and I were talking last night over dinner when I asked him, "Honey, what's going to happen to Condoleeza when Barack takes over?"

He told me, "Well, I'm hoping he gives her some kind of cabinet position!  But she probably wouldn't accept it. She'll go on the lecture circuit or write a book about W."

"Barack can't give her a cabinet position," I assured him, "Michelle ain't gonna have it!"

"Why not?" Shawn wondered.

"For the same reason I won't let any women pee at my house!  Condoleeza done got a perm, she's a foxy chick and smart as a whip!  Too much temptation.  There's a lot of history in that presidential office--Lewinsky--Monroe... Shall I go on?"

My husband chuckled, "That's probably why when we watch political coverage on MSNBC and they talk to Barack's senior advisers, all of them are old white women."

"Exactly!" I chimed in, "Michelle ain't crazy.  That's why the lady I hired to clean up our house (back when I was working full time) was old, ugly, bald, missing teeth and didn't speak English!  Even if you propositioned her, she wouldn't understand what the hell you were talking about!"

apparently the two queens are fighting. Lawd have mercy! I told you black folks to sit down and hush and not do anything to make us look bad or draw attention away from Barack Obama! But apparently these ladies didn't get my memo! Somebody called Tina the "queen", and Aretha said she was the "queen", then Tina started talkin' smack. I suggest Tina uses those long legs and get to running--cause in a steel caged match, my money is on Aretha--she could choke Tina with one of those bra straps and kill her...   more »

of Sunji Ya restaurant on Grand Avenue in St. Paul. OK, y'all know I live in Minnesota so all I got is white friends.  My girlfriend Bridget took me to this place called Sunji Ya a few months back so I could try sushi.  I ain't never ate raw fish before. Hell, I like my fish dipped in cornmeal and hot grease with some cold slaw and potato salad. I ain't never had raw fish before in my life. I'm thinking "What a waste! Why would I eat raw fish when I got all this grease at home and this bucket of meal?  I'll take mine to go and finish frying it when I get home." I'm ready to turn the place into a You-Buy-We-Fry joint!  I even asked Bridget if I could bring my own hot plate skillet to the restaurant!

But I stayed true to the course, figured I'd try something new and different--broaden my horizons.  I mean, I already started paying my bills on time-that's new-so I figured I'd try something else.

Let me tell y'all what, I got my country ass in there, and tried that sushi and I loved it.  I was picking it up with my fingers, dipping it in the wrong sauce--asking for ketchup.  I was so out of order and so wrong!  Bridget had to be embarrassed. She kept her head down and never looked up.  She was probably thinking "Gosh, I hope nobody recognizes me up in here!"  But I could care less--that damn raw fish was so good!  I asked for tartar sauce but they ain't have none.  Thankfully, I had some hot-sauce in the car (I live in Minnesota, and not ONE restaurant in this damned state has hot sauce--they have Tabasco which is not the same thing--but no hot sauce--so I am always prepared).  So I ran out and grabbed that and came back--and baby I got down!  I must have eaten about $40 worth of sushi!

And there Ms. Bridget sat with her chop sticks and she actually knew how to use them, dabbing her face when she had a little spillage--and across the table--there was me--ketchup and hot sauce and raw fish--grabbing it with my fingers--using my fork if it unraveled.  It was a sight. It was like watching Tiger Woods and Snoop Dogg golf together.  One of 'em surely does NOT belong--and I should have taken my sushi to go--cause I did not belong there.  Folks were walking by, looking, pointing.  I could care less, cause with a little hot sauce and ketchup, the raw stuff tastes better than the hot fried "Good Friday" cold slaw and potato fish any day of the week. 

Y'all know biographies are big tickets at the box office, Ray blew up Jamie Foxx's career (although we haven't seen that brother in a while) and the Johnnie Cash movie "Walk the Line" was awesome. Well now, they're coming out with a movie about jazz pioneer Louie Armstrong and Forest Whitaker is going to play the staring role. This is gonna be a good one. I can't wait for it to come out...   more »

before she plans this big elaborate wedding she's bout to throw. I heard through my cousin MeMe in Houston (who knows everything) that girlfriend is 'bout to ddrop a million dollars on this wedding. Claiming when she gets 80 years old, she still wants people to be talking about how elaborate it was. Have you seen her boyfriend? The man gets his eyebrows arched and his legs waxed. She might as well flush all that money down the toilet--right where her album sales are..   more »

I can't even to begin to explain how much I love YouTube. But today, I am especially lovin' YouTube for the ability it gives regular people to make fun of those in power, one of our most basic American rights. I pulled some of the best online political videos for you...   more »

that Omarosa is getting a reality television show while good actresses like Vivica Fox and Lynne Whitfield have all but disappeared from prime time television? Omarosa is teaming up with her former boss, Donald Trump to do a reality show where she'll be looking for love (been there, seen that on Vh1 about a million times). Lawd have mercy, Omarosa is going to make black women look like mean, evil, lying heifers (cause that's what she is)! I'm glad we got a stron sister like Michelle Obama to balance thangs out!   more »

I swear, everybody I know is pregnant. I guess since gas is so high, folks have got to "entertain" themselves and stay close to home--thus the surge in er'rebody getting knocked at once! I've gotten four phone calls this week alone that started with "Girl, you ain't gonna believe..." and it's one of my gal-pals telling me that she's pregnant. And these chicks are far along too, at least three months. LaShonda, my home girl from Houston was 4 months pregnant before she broke the news. I ain't one to hold secrets. I was 30 minutes pregnant with Andrew when I started making phone calls...   more »

When I first got to the Twin Cities, I loved taking our "visitors" to the Mall of America, because there were upscale shops that you couldn't find anywhere else. But on a recent visit, I discovered the Mall of America is slowly turning into a ghetto swap meet complete with a Chinese nail shop, a store that sells gold teeth (they offered to pay for the vowels in my name, if I'd pay for the other letters), and a bootleg shop that sells fake weave hair (and there was a sale, buy a bag, get a bag for free)...   more »

Talk about Ma'dea if you want to, Tyler Perry is laughing all the way to the bank--and beyond!!! He unveiled a new multi million dollar 200,000 square foot television and film studio in Atlanta this weekend. The guest list included Ms. Sophia from The Color Purple, Fresh Prince of Bel Aire, Whitney Houston and Mary J Blige. The studio features five sound stages and they are all named after old school pioneers like Quincy Jones, Sidney Poitier, Ruby Dee and Cicely Tyson! That man is too much for me...   more »

I'm taking a brick with me to throw through the window of a store called "bebe". 

So we're at Rosedale Mall in Roseville, Minnesota Saturday afternoon, looking for a nice gown to wear to the Emmy Awards in a few weeks.  We're nominated for "Best Blog" so I'm thinking, I should be able to find something sexy enough in case I win--so that I can walk up and accept my award in style!

I go up and down the mall, looking for something in my size at Express, but of course, they tap out at a size 10, and I'm hittin' a 12 for sure now.  Everything is too tight or is "low rise"--hell, everything on my body is already hanging "low", I don't need any help accentuating my "low" points!

Macy's gowns all look like something for "old ladies" or high school girls going to the prom! And a 37 year old woman ain't got no business in either hot pink or electric blue! 

So I see this store called "bebe" and it looks like they've got some fancy dresses in the window store front. I got toward the store in my cotton warm ups that don't match and my baby in a stroller eating a sucker--I walk in and everybody in there is a size 2.  Right away, I know I'm in the wrong place--but I keep walking my fat a$$ toward the entrance cause by now, they know I'm heading in that direction.

The store clerks look at me like "What are you doing in here with your fat ass?", but they smile politely and point me in the direction of Lane Bryant.  Problem is, I'm too fat for "bebe", but not fat enough for Lane Bryant!

So I'm walking around the store in my stroller and I notice something: every girl in there is dressed up like she's going to the club. I'm looking for the disco ball and the DJ.  I'm talking from head to toe--make up--high heeled shoes, EVERYTHING!!!  Then the aisles aren't big enough to navigate my stroller, so I'm knocking over entire racks of clothing. 

I'm so undone at this point but I keep looking cause they got really nice clothes, the dresses are adorable, except the biggest size they have is a six!  I even heard one girl complain because she was an 8 and couldn't find anything to fit. 

I see a dress or two that I could possibly squeeze into, if I had the right girdle and a gastric bypass surgery prior to the Emmy Awards ceremony--so I ask the clerk "Do you have this in a 10 or a 12?"

The entire damned store, including Andrew busted out laughing!  I wanted to bloody her lip and cut a smile in her neck.

I just left with my head between my fat a$$!  I'll be wearing the same dress I wore last year...

The laws, the criminal justice system and white folks finally caught up with OJ and squeezed the pulp out of him! He was found guilty on all 12 counts today including kidnapping, armed robbery and assault with a deadly weapon. He could face up to life in prison. This is about as crazy as Sarah Palin being tapped for Vice President!!! OJ ain't shoot nobody, nobody bloody, nobody punched or injured--he went in the damn hotel room to get his stolen stuff--cussed a few folks out--and now he's going to jail for it. But OJ should have kept his nose out of trouble, he knew white folks were waiting for him to jay walk--they were looking for any reason to arrest him. He'd better be lucky he ain't in Texas, they would have given him the lethal injection on the spot...   more »