Y'all don't ever let my daddy get drunk again--when he gets to drinking he has all these grand ideas about what we should do as a family--and he makes these proclamations about things that he wants to see happen.
Case in point--before Andrew was even born--during my wedding--when I was about 8-months pregnant--we had a big party--and er'rebody was here. My dad, my mom, Shawn's parents and our family and friends. Sippin' on Crown Royal and Coca-Cola--my daddy decided he wanted to start a new family tradition. After drinking about a half a gallon of the good stuff--he makes an announcement.
Standing, or wobbling, in the middle of the living room he declares, "I'm having so much fun with y'all--we should do this again soon--how about we celebrate Andrew's first birthday in Warren, Ohio with Shawn's parents and all the family. Mr. B and I can go fishing together on his big boat and our wives can have cook outs."
Everybody (except my a$$) was in agreement. I understand the fact that Warren is a small hick town--used to be a steel mill factory worker headquarters until the mills closed down. Now it's an old rust bucket has been hole in the wall.
And you would NEVER know it by looking at my husband--he is so cosmopolitan--always dressed up in JoS Banks suits and Kenneth Cole shoes. You would think he's from New York City or something--and he from the sticks of Ohio. Lawd have mercy...
Anyhoo--so my dad makes these grand plans for Andrew's birthday and gets everybody all excited. We've taken off time from work--Shawn's parents are making plans--putting up extra beds--his dad even installed an additional bathroom for all the company that he was 'posed to have.
A week before we get ready to leave for Ohio--I called my dad and asked him about his flight plans. He tells me that he don't remember making no plans to go to Ohio for Andrew's birthday. Then when I got pissed--he turned around and got mad back at me... talking about "You should have known I was drunk and didn't remember what I said. You know not to listen to me when I'm wasted."
So I tell him it's not too late--he can rent a car and drive to Ohio--cause everybody done planned to be there. Well, my father informs me that he and his wife are going to Vegas for their vacation--they won't be there for Andrew's first birthday.
Well--two monkeys don't stop no show--we hit the road and took the 12 hour drive to get the party started. When we got there--we ain't have to do nothing--cause Shawn's cousin Connie from Cleveland had planned everything. Girlfriend assigned every member of the family a different item to bring and folks showed up on time--with their assigned dish--and we had food, cake, fun and family!
Now that's how family 'posed to do. We show up with the birthday boy--and that was our only responsibility--cause Connie took care of everything else--or at least delegated it so we ain't have to be running around at the last minute like a chicken with our heads cut off trying to get it together.
My mother in law was assigned to get the cake--and of course--the day of the party--she informed us that we needed to go to the store to pick it up. We ain't look inside--the cake was ready when we got there--a huge sheet cake from the local grocer. I assumed--just cause it's a baby's first birthday cake--that it would have like a Dora The Explorer or Bob The Builder theme--child PALEEZE!
My mother-in-law got my one year old son a cake that looked like it was for someone who was 101 years old. It had those standard colored flowers on 'em--you know--like the cakes that are sitting out there waiting to just be written on with a note that says "Happy Birthday Whomever".
I must have had a crazy look on my face--cause when she saw my nose turn up the moment my eyes saw that Church Usher's Anniversary Cake--she spoke up and said "Well, I guess I probably should have told them to put some trucks on it or something."
"Yeah," I responded--trying to choke down my own saliva, "something other than these old people roses on the corners would have been nice. And seeing as how we expecting 'bout 15 people--a sheet cake for 50 is a little bit over the top."
My disappointment ain't last long--cause about three minutes after I was 'bout to pour lighter fluid on the cake and start it to blaze--Connie, her sisters Cathy and Candy--and their brother Michael and his wife--along with their mother Carol pulled up in the driveway.
They came down from Cleveland--an hour's drive--(as expensive as gas prices are) to Warren just for my little baby's birthday. And they were excited to be there. Not only did they come to keep us company--they brought food--gifts and stopped to pick up some nieces and nephews--so Andrew wouldn't be the only baby at his own damn party.
That's another thing I gotta fight my dad about--it was his big idea to have the party in Warren when all of Andrew's cousins are in Houston--at least cousins that are his own age. There are NO chil'len in Warren under the age of 65 years old. The youngest person in the damn town turned 64 the other day--and she don't even qualify for the discount coffee at McDonald's!
I told my father--for that reason alone--when he gets old and needs to be taken care of--I'm putting him in the community old folks home. You know the one--in the middle of the ghetto--ain't no air conditioning and if you wanna watch television you gotta go in the "community room". That's where all the former pimps and hustlers go--cause they ain't got no insurance or chil'len to take care of them. He gotta share a television and a bed with somebody too--I ain't paying for deluxe accommodations after this stunt.
Anyway--back to Connie 'nem! If it weren't for them--I swear--I don't know what we would have done. We sat around and laughed and talked and had a good ole' time. They brought my baby gifts--them was the only gifts he had from his party too! Cute little ghetto tricked out G Unit outfits that we can't find here in Minnesota--these white folks ain't that black yet. When folks look at my baby in his b-boy gear they gonna be like "You must got kin folks from Cleveland..."
I loves Connie 'nem cause they just good people. We all big girls--you know--a little thick in the hips and dragging a wagon--so we traded recipes--they gave me the phone number of the sweet potato pie lady--that damn Connie got a peach cobbler lady on speed dial in her cell phone. They laughed at all my jokes--which is good--cause I was throwing 'em out left and right! We talked about which girdles are the best ones to hold your fat in--which company has the best cup cakes and how we don't like to exercise!
It's wonderful when big girls can get together and be ourselves--we had a great time. We came up with a Big Girl Manual--a guideline for all women our size to follow--so that nobody won't be breaking no laws--fashion or otherwise--to make us look bad!
And everybody pitched in from beginning to end. My father-in-law cooked the food. Shawn's cousin Judy brought green beans--the Hollingers came with chicken and potato salad and pound cake. Shawn's cousin Poosums (I told y'all it was a country town) passed out ice cream to the kids--his cousin Dawn took some video--it was a total family affair!
Some of Shawn's friends from high school stopped by and stayed for a minute--they stood out there near the swamp pool in the back yard and told some lies...
So all in all--it was a good day for Andrew--he had a wonderful birthday--he enjoyed his cousins and played in the cake and made a complete mess of himself and me! Other than that geriatric cake--I wouldn't trade that day for anything in the world. The smile on his face when he was opening his gifts, playing with his little cousin and passing out kisses to the ladies says it all.
Oh and don't ever let Shawn talk about my kin folks Never No Moe'--cause he had a cousin who showed up to the party in a polyester suit--with sandals and electric blue church socks to match! I took one look at him and told Shawn "I need a photo for the blog--and if you ever say anything else about my Aunt Darnitha, Aunt Mary Joe or Uncle Kathy--I'm gonna remind you of this very moment!"
