I knew this would happen--today I have writers block. I wanna give y'all something funny to laugh at--but I'm drained.  I'm sure I've done something, said something, seen something that is hilarious--but it ain't coming to me right now.  I just finished taping three 30-minute shows for the CrossRoads community affairs program. I'm running on empty. Anchoring three shows is a bugger-bear and leaves you with little to no energy. But I ain't complaining--cause I love what I'm doing.

But it's left me dry of my usual daily anecdotes.  So I e-mailed my friend Theresa who lives in Louisiana--she and I are best buddies. We met while I worked at KPLC TV in Lake Charles as the assignments editor--and Theresa is one of the ace reporters there.  She's still there, been there, gone be there and gonna die there!  She loves Louisiana--she has a husband and four wonderful kids--ranging in age from 8 to 18. 

Theresa is always good for a laugh!  She's turning 50 in a month and couldn't help poking fun at herself.  She's guest blogging today in my creative absence.

While she tickles your funny bone--I'm gonna find a corner to hide in and take a nap until my shift is over later this afternoon. ('Cause you know we will tell our co-workers "I'm going to the restroom." find a good broom closet and nod off. Truthfully--if you go to the restroom and stay long enough--NOBODY is going to come looking for you.) 

Until then, enjoy Theresa's ability to laugh at herself, her family and making the half century mark:

Guest blog by Theresa

Girl, I want you to know you have my permission to make fun of me all you want.  You can call me "my white friend Theresa."  You can make fun of my conservative values and my "old broad" problems and the fact that I watch Dr. Phil instead of of beating my kids and the fact that I wipe my feet before I leave my house, it's so dirty; and that I wear my husbands underwear because I get behind on the laundry and that I'm married to the Hispanic gigolo.... (Just nothing specific about d--- size please.)  In fact, I was working on a list I may distribute in connection with my 50th birthday in July...here you can use  whatever you want on it.  Just remember, I'm one of your "writers."

Truisms of Theresa (or how not to get your eyes scratched out by an angry old broad.)

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A WOMAN WHO WILL SOON TURN FIFTY YEARS OLD:

NOT:  "You used to be really hot when you were young." 
INSTEAD SAY "I need to know what face cream you use, you look so well preserved."

NOT "Look how skinny you used to be (as you look at a picture twenty years old)."  
INSTEAD SAY "I think you look better with more meat on your bones."

NOT "You used to really be a looker."
INSTEAD SAY, "You are just as pretty as you were 30 years ago."

NOT "Is that your grandchild." 
RESPONSE YOU MAY GET [No bit&^, it's my son.]  Instead assume it's her child and if it's not she'll be flattered you thought she looked young enough to have a child that young.

Theresa was filling her oats--and decided that she had more funny stuff to tell--so she sent me a second e-mail that I had to share--talkin' bout her crazy kids whom I love so much I darn near adopted them when I lived in Louisiana.

More from Theresa...

And don't forget to ask me my funny thoughts, cuz they might as well be put to good use.  You have my permission to use my stories, if they ever fit in, like about how Stephen got in trouble in catholic school when the teacher asked him what he was givin' up for lent and he said masturbation.  (The teacher recommended I remove the locks from the doors inside my house...Stephen gave the smart alec answer because one of his friends paid him $5.)   AND you can use my story about how I knew Drew was my kid when I tried to embarrass him in the Dollar Store by askin' him, "Drew, honey you still constipated?" while I was standing by the meds.  And he came over and said, "No mama, but this stuff here might help you with that green, vaginal fungus you got."  And you know, we workin mamas, our idea of re-decorating is to clean the kitchen.  At least at my house!

Well, Theresa e-mailed our friend Mari who also works at KPLC in Louisiana--Mari is in charge of production and is one of the funniest chicks I know. She has one of those dry senses of humor that leaves you laughing so hard you can't breathe--and she doesn't crack a smile.  Theresa asked Mari to "pray for me" cause I was in a creative slump--Mari sent this thought felt spiritual message over:

Prayer from Mari

Pray with me now ...
Lord ... I pray that Sheletta will enjoy and learn from her new job in wherever the hell she moved to.  I hope she can survive the cold winter without ashy skin, and that the lower humidity will prevent nappy hair days.  I also pray her co-workers won't begin to hate her until she has had the chance to hate them first.  Lord - please keep her mouth shut during important meetings, and may she learn to wear a bra to work as the weather is much colder there and she could poke someone's eye out with a nipple by accident.  And Jesus, if it is your will, please put the thought in some local grocery store manager's head that chitterlings in a huge white plastic tub would be a great addition to their frozen food isle.
Amen.

Ha ha ha ha--I don't know about y'all--but these two ladies have made my day. Thanks gals!