If it was anytime around the year 1990 and you told someone you were in possession of “The Chronic”, they would immediately identify that you were talking about one of two things. The first thing that generally came to mind was you are ready to smoke some Weed (marijuana). The second thing was a popular rap album made by Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg where they talked about smoking it and the effect it had on them.
Now that my days of inhaling “trees” are behind me, and I’m 10+ years into a career in healthcare administration, the term “The Chronic” takes on new meanings. In medicine, “chronic disease” is characterized as disease that is long-lasting or recurrent. “Chronic” describes the course of the disease or how frequently it presents and develops. The discouraging thing about Chronic disease, is that there are no cures. You just seek to manage the symptoms.
There are literally hundreds of conditions that are classified as Chronic Diseases but here are just a few of the more popular ones:
Arthritis - Will have your joints squeeking and your knuckles, will have knuckles. Have you ever seen someone whose hands look like they are on backwards?? Well that’s arthritis.
Hepatitis - Attacks your liver and will “shut your shit down” like Walter Payton. There are many types of Hepatitis with varying degrees of severity, but a lot of them have you on a list to get a transplant.
Diabetes - You know, “He got the ‘Sugar’” as the old folk used to say. Your body won’t turn sugar or starch into energy that your body needs to function. You just gotta keep getting’ pricked, check your blood sugar level, and get injections of Insulin. I’m sure BB King has had over a million needle sticks in his lifetime.
I’ve petitioned the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) to start a new classification of Chronic Disease called “The Chronic” and the following table lists the name, symptoms, and treatment of some of these horrible illnesses, which as of yet, have no cure.
|
Disease |
Symptoms |
Treatment |
|
Nuptialitosis: Extreme fear that your spouse will become a control freak immediately after saying, “I Do” |
Attacks your common sense, causing paranoid delusions that your opinion is valued. |
Agree with everything that is said, even if you don’t know what it means. Take out the trash, and have a beer. |
|
Hyperauditory Reflux: Inability to hear what anyone is saying to you while the game is on |
Often causes “ASS” (Angry Spouse Syndrome). |
Turn off the game, and give her 110% of your undivided attention. Take out the trash, and have a shot of whiskey |
|
Angry Spouse Syndrome: Only attacks the female species and results in the male species being threatened with bodily harm |
High Blood Pressure, shouting, sarcasm, and general disregard for his feelings |
A new suit should calm her down enough for you to get back in the bed. Take out the trash, and smoke some weed (Chronic if you can find it). |
|
Outside Womanitis: Inflammation of the brain that makes women think all other women want her man |
Causes eyes to roll and teeth to clench when in the presence of single women, with good jobs and good credit. |
Deny knowing the other woman. Take out the trash, and pray. |
So, the next time someone rolls up on you and says, “I Got the Chronic”, remember to treat them nice because they are suffering from a horrible, incurable, and often life threatening classification of disease that will certainly lead to death and/or extended periods of time in state or federally operated facilities for people who disobey laws.
