The men's sections and women's sections at local department stores are getting closer and closer by the day. Used to be, you were able to tell that you were in the men's section because the clothing was "manly" and you could smell the scent of Brute nearby; but now, men are more "metro-sexual" than ever, and some of 'em are wearing clothing that would be considered more "feminine" than anything I currently have hanging in my closet!
Shawn, Andrew and I were killing time this weekend and took a walk around Rosedale Mall. We would have gone to Mall of America, but with gas at $3.55 a gallon, we couldn't afford to make the trip AND have lunch! So we settled on Rosedale for window shopping and lunch. So anyway, we were in Herberger's Department Store and we were clearly in the "women's section", but two or three rows of clothing down, there were some really feminine looking clothes, but they were on male mannequins. I just figured this was their new line for the "Uncle Kathy" collection; however, these were "girly" clothes for guys who like looking "girly". I'm talking pink blouses disguised as shirts, pink socks, lavender socks and (Lord have mercy) low rise jeans. What man in his right mind is going to wear low rise jeans? Could you see Paul Bunyan in low rise jeans? How would he chop down trees in low rise jeans?
That inspired this week's top 10 list: TOP 10 Things Grown A$$ men should NOT be wearing...
10. Grown a$$ men should never in their lives think about putting on low-rise jeans with the acid wash creases on them. Your jeans ought not "rise" low unless you suddenly had a growth spurt on your way to work.
9. If you're over the age of 7 and your summer outfit includes a shirt that matches your shorts EXACTLY to the TEEEE--and you got a hat with the same colorful print, you need to re-evaluate that selection. We call those "uni-hangers" because that outfit all came on one hanger from a store in the "ghetto" mall! No grown a$$ man should walk around matching that hard. But alas, you can check 'em out at any barber shop in the United States sporting their sharpest threads Saturday after Saturday and violating the fashion code of conduct for grown a$$ men in the process.
8. Unless you are born singing soprano and have the ability to bear children, you ought not be wearing thong underwear. But there are some men, who think it's sexy to do so. Cover up your ass cheeks fellas. Stop the madness, please. I remember, before I met my husband, I dated a guy who thought he'd "impress" me by coming to bed in a pair of paisley thong underwear. When I saw that negro cross my bedroom threshold with that madness on, he scared the hell out of me. I thought he must surely have either been certifiably crazy or absolutely insane. Cause no grown man ought to have his ass hanging out like that unless he had a wardrobe malfunction or got caught in a hurricane and had his clothes ripped off! Needless to say, he ain't get any that night. Sorry Charlie...
7. This is a problem with old black men, not sure if old white guys do this, but older black men love wearing socks and sandals. Damn it, stop the madness! If you're wearing sandals, then it's summer time and ain't no need for socks. And I'm talking they put on nice dress socks, the see through kind with the rim at the top. And then put on shorts over it, usually the damn uni-hanger short set--so they violate on not one, but two levels of grown ass man fashion! They might as well be wearing knee high stockings! Or a sign that says "I've got the worms"...
6. Solid color loud ass suits are a violation that we need to talk about! There is a guy at my church, who comes in like he's been tailored by Denzel Washington's suit maker--and he's usually wearing a 100% polyester blend jacket and pant number--and the polyester ain't the worst part--the worst part is that the suit is so LOUD, it's screaming at you from the parking lot before he even enters the sanctuary! This past Sunday, he had on red, last week, it was yellow, the week before that it was orange--burnt orange! I mean, this brother is wearing colors that Crayon ain't even invented yet. Break that madness up! If you are gonna wear an orange jacket, calm it down with a softer color pant or a white shirt. But your shirt, your shoes and your socks and your jacket and your pants can't all be flaming red! Then, he had the nerve to have a rose penned to his collar. I didn't know whether to run from him or water him...
5. Grown men should not wear shoes that come to a point. But it seems to be the latest fashion trend. There is a store I passed by called "Aldo"--they sell shoes for men that come to a point, like women's pumps! You might as well put a heel on there!
4. Pink socks! My husband is going to kill me for this one, cause he has pink and lavender socks! The man is one of the best dressed brothers in the Twin Cities--but when he slips on those lavender socks--I just don't even know where to begin to tell ya... he had 'em on at church Sunday. And don't get me wrong, he was sharp as a tack, I'm talking 'car wash clean', but lavender socks? Y'all, just pray for him!
3. Grown men ought not wear more than one gold chain, two is pushing it. But when you start to resemble Mr. T from the A-Team, it's time to re-evaluate your jewelry selection. I mean, it's nice that you have ten gold chains at home, but that doesn't mean you have to wear all of them at one time. We'll see your entire selection eventually, but space them out--leave us wanting more...
2. This is something I've seen one too many times this summer, and if you're guilty of it fellas, or ladies, if you know somebody who is guilty of it--it's time to pull them to the side and have a heart-to-heart talk with 'em. My brother in law does it, and before the day is over, I'm gonna have to talk to him and ask that he please refrain from doing it ever again: STOP WEARING VESTS WITH NO SHIRT UNDERNEATH! I know you work out guys, and you want us to see all that muscle you've built up from pumping iron in the gym 3 to 4 hours a day, eight days a week, but wearing a vest in the summer time with no shirt underneath ain't the way to do it. Believe me, we see it, we see all the muscles and the flat abs and the bulging biceps--so go ahead and put an under-shirt on before you slide that vest over your head. We'll still compliment you on your physique, I promise!
1. Tight a$$ britches should never be worn by a man. We call these "nutcracker pants"! Make sure you have a little room in your jeans fellas. I ain't talking about saggin' until you gotta hold your pants up with your hands in order to walk down the block, but recognize your size and wear the size that you REALLY are, not the size you used to be when you were playing varsity football back in high school in 1990! If, when you drop your keys, you have to kick them to the car because your pants are too tight to bend over, then you MIGHT want to give them to the Good Will. Just a suggestion...
