Y'all know we is a church going Bible believing family. If it's in the good book, we abide by it--no ifs, ands, or buts about it!  But my husband and I have taken a little "liberty" lately in the scriptures we find in the Good Book!  Whenever I want Shawn to do something he doesn't want to do--I try to find scripture to back me up.  And when Jesus doesn't provide what I need, I make up my own versus.  Thus inspiring this week's Top 10 List: Top 10 Forgotten Scriptures from The Bible"....

10.  From the book of Aunt Mary Joe (that's my favorite aunt and Andrew's favorite great-aunt): "Taketh thy son's social security number and getteth thee all the credit thee needs--especially at major department stores, thus said the prophetess."  When I was 'bout 13, I found out my beloved Aunt had her phone in my name... when my nieces turn 13, they'll realize that my cable is in their name.  It's a family tradition I hope they one day pass down to their nieces!

9. So Shawn is trying to get me to comb my hair and brush my teeth on the same day (which ain't possible)!  He's offering me an increase in my allowance and a promise he'll stop cheating--but neither works.  So he finally tells me that being pretty for your husband is Biblical!  When I ask for proof he shows me to the book of Outside Woman, chapter 3, verse 14 "Either looketh beautiful or thy husband will strayeth thus said the prophet."

8.  There is always somebody on your job that makes you wanna slap the hell out of 'em--which is why I'm a stay-at-home momma now.  When you're feeling the urge to fight your co-worker, just go to the book of the apostle Tupac and tell 'em "I ain't a killer, but don't push me.."

7.  When we took our vows, our pastor had us quote scripture from the book of Ruth that says "Entreat me not to leave you--for where you go I will follow..."  I put a twist on it and told Shawn (at the altar and in front of God and all our witnesses), "If you leave me, you know I'll follow you, right?" That's from the book of Lisa Nowak, the crazy astronaut.  She's been closer to God than anyone else--going out of space and all--I figure she's got divine revelation being up in the clouds!

6.  Shawn wanted to go out with his friends the other day--and I had to veto his desire to hang out at the bar and have fun after work!  I'm at home with a 2 year old all day who thinks he's auditioning for Cirque du Solieu on my living room table by  hanging on to light fixtures--so I needed a break.  I told him God didn't want him going out with his friends, he needed to come home.  I quoted a scripture from the book of Crazy Baby Momma that said "If you goeth out with your friends without giving your wife a break you will have hell on earth and plagues will come for 100 days, thus said the prophetess."  Needless to say, he came straight home from work.

5.  Poor Shawn, after working a full 12 hour day, he comes home and plays with the kid and then he's gotta hear bitching and complaining from his wife.  I looked at him and he was so drained. I asked "Honey, are you tired? I've been chewing your ear off.  You want to talk to me?"  He said "No, I'll just read my bible to comfort me.  I just read a scripture in the book of Imohtep (the villain from that movie "The Mummy" who would suck the life out of people) that says "Thy wife will draineth the life out of you." So I am prepared."

4.  I love shopping, but being a stay at home momma on a budget of zero, it's hard to go into the store and come out with anything these days, unless of course, I take my check book.  Shawn keeps complaining "Honey, you got more bounced checks. Stop writing them if you don't have the cash to cover them." I quipped, "Baby, if I had the money, I wouldn't need the checks."  He doesn't know I operate from the book of Elevation that tells me, "Thy checks will carry thee."  I can never be overdrawn if I got checks.  It's my job to write them, it's their job to find me (cause the address is wrong) and find the cash (good luck)!

3.  Shawn is operating from the book of Ghosts this week watching the NBA Finals.  Cause I am invisible to him.  I asked him about 10 times "Honey, can you help me get Andrew to bed?" He just sat there staring at the television.  Finally, I just dropped the baby in his lap and yelled "Boy, don't you hear me talking to you?"  He chuckled, "Oh no, I was meditating on my favorite scripture from the book of Ghost that says "Thy wife shalt be invisible to thee when a ball is ever present before thee on the television screen."

2.  When Shawn complains that I tell him what to do all the time, I remind him that I'm just following the Biblical principal that says "thy wife shalt dominate thee". 

1.  Shawn implores me to be "available" on a more regular basis--and says that it's encouraged by the Bible from the book of Conjugal "Giveth thy husband all the sex he wanteth or else he will be forceth to seek out new booty elsewhere."