I guess I should write down the rules of the household for folks who come to visit and stay overnight, kinda like they had in the movie Cider House Rules.  But who would take me seriously? As much as we joke around here, they'd think it was just some silly comedy routine I was testing out...

But when it comes to my house, I'm dead-on serious.  My house guests, however, don't really see it that way.  They come here to relax, spend time with us and visit with Andrew. And I guess, as expensive as airline tickets are, you kinda gotta give them some leeway while they're visiting.  But we've had some major infractions (most of 'em by my mother-in-law) recently by out of town company that made me come up with this week's Top 10 list: "Top 10 Things that your house guests should not do..."

10.  If you're a man, put the toilet seat down!  My husband has been trained; however, the single male friends that we know who came over to visit recently have not been through the instruction course. And I have the wet ass to prove it!

9.  My mother in law was here back in May and when I went to get food to cook dinner, I came back and she had instructed my father in law to clean off the stove. Obviously, the job I did wasn't good enough!

8.  Don't be bringing no extra folks with you. Andrew's Uncle Marty came up recently to take him to his first ballgame!  Which was very nice (and expensive) of him.  Well, he called a few days before arriving and tells me that he's bringing one of his "ladies" with him. I promptly made him reservations at the Holiday Inn.  Y'all know if I don't let a woman pee at my house I damn sure ain't bout to let one take off her clothes to shower.  Either she was gonna sleep in the car and bathe in the restroom at the Super America gas station or she was checking in at the Holiday Inn Express!  Let's just say after her visit, she's smarter...

7.  When my favorite aunt visited recently for Mother's Day, I noticed that there were extra bath towels in the cabinet.  I asked Shawn "Honey, did you go shopping for linens?" When he said no, I tried to figure out what was going on and why we had a surplus of new towels. Well, my beloved aunt says that when she travels, she always brings her own towels!

6.  Oh my kin folks got a bad habit of going through folks' mail.  And usually, when we have out of town company like older aunts or when grandma comes to town, Shawn and I will leave Andrew with them to either run errands or just go out to spend some "alone" time together.  Well, we were out one Saturday afternoon, when one of our house guests took the liberty of not only receiving our mail, but going through it.  We got home, walked in the door and came in to hear her say "Y'alls cell phone bill came today."  Ain't that a blip?

5.  If it's the last of something, don't eat it.  If ain't but one Twinkies in the box, ask before you take it. Otherwise, walk your a$$ down the street to Target and buy a new box!  I live for the Twinkies since my Girl Scout Cookie jar has gone bone dry.  I run out of Twinkies and I will snap, crackle and POP somebody!

4.  Decorative towels are just for decoration. They ain't for you to wipe your hands on after you wash 'em.  That's why we have paper towels right next to the hand soap in the restrooms.  The paper towel is what you use to dry your hands on, not my designer expensive decorate towels. 

3.  Ask for help if you find yourself in a bind.  We had some company over the other day and they broke all the damn child safety covers for the toilet seats.  Every single one in all the restrooms.  The one in the downstairs guest bathroom was shattered.  That's when my friend declared, "You know, I don't know what these are, but I think this one isn't usable anymore."

2.  Follow instructions when you're using our $hit. My momma came here and took one of my husband's kitchen spoons to make a gravy for the gumbo that wasn't designed to withstand 500 degree heat.  Child, she melted the spoon then put it in the freezer to try to reshape it so we wouldn't know it was damaged.  When we got ready to use it, it was warped!

1.  Don't be rearranging nobody's damn furniture.  My mother in law weighs all of 80 pounds and has a 10 pound oxygen tank on her back. When she's out and about, she's gotta use a wheel chair and can't walk for more than a few feet without having to sit down and rest.  But when she was visiting us recently, somehow, she mustered up enough strength to change my damn living room furniture around.  Had my whole damn family room rearranged by the time I got back from grocery shopping.