My husband keeps forgetting what his job description is. He's a health care administrator, but he seems to think he's a comedian. He needs to be reminded that I'm the funny one in this house--his job is to laugh at my jokes! Not to MAKE JOKES ABOUT ME!!
I read his little funky blog this past Sunday in his "Sunday Thought"--talking about how rough my heels are--so it got me to thinking about all the crazy $hit he's said to me that he figured was funny (most of it is)--thus inspiring this week's Top 10 List:
Top 10 of the Craziest $hit my husband has ever told me
10. The other night when I came to bed, I was a little "ashy" and hadn't lotioned my feet! I was trying to get a little "frisky" with my husband and rubbed his legs with my feet. He looked over at me and asked "Honey, do you have on socks? Socks with razor blades strapped to the heels? I think I'm bleeding--your feet are rough--I think I need a skin graph."
9. A new report came out that says women are more likely to commit suicide when they turn 35 years old. We were watching the news when the reporter gave all the information to the viewers. Shawn smiled and looked at me and said, "Man, you just turned 35! I was gonna poison you to get out of this marriage, but now I'll just wait for you to take care of the dirty deed yourself. If you need money for a prescription or a ride to a big tall bridge, let me know."
8. I was all dressed up, we were going out with friends, had a baby sitter and ready for a night on the town. Child, I was foxy! I mean like back when I was 22 years old foxy! I was twisting around, trying to be "pretty", when Shawn looked at me and said "Honey, I'm gonna need you to go back upstairs and trim those nose hairs. They were waving at me when you walked down the stairs! They are long like fingers."
7. My girlfriend called me the other day and we were laughing about the time that Shawn found out I was pregnant. He called her (I never knew this) and said "She got me didn't she Fanchon?" Hell yeah I got you... now realize you're stuck and be happy in the prison you've created for yourself by not using a condom.
6. I get tired sometimes, of the regular routine--washing dishes--changing pampers--sweeping--mopping--cooking! I told Shawn the other day "Honey, I need help with stuff around the house." He offered to get me a cleaning service, but I flatly refused. I'm very particular about who I let in my house--let alone who I let clean it. I tried suggesting he help out with some of the chores when he told me "Look, we have clearly defined roles in this relationship. I pay all the bills, you clean up and take care of Andrew. I won't ask you for help paying the mortgage and you don't ask me for help washing those pots."
5. The other day, Shawn was stressed, I could see it in his face. He had just worked a 12 hour day and when he came home I was PMS-ing real bad. Like to the point that Andrew was hiding under the table and the roaches were even on the run. When I realized Shawn had it 'up to here', I told him "Honey, you should probably start taking some golf lessons or play tennis or something--a stress reliever--to help you out so you won't be so tense all the time. I can see the tension in your face." Shawn shook his head no, "Oh no. I don't need no stress reliever. Right before I have a heart attack because of stress at work and being married to a crazy ass wife--I'm gonna snap and beat the hell out of you. I don't want a leisurely game of golf to prevent me from doing that."
4. Shawn was sitting at the table with a stack of bills--trying to figure out how he was gonna stretch his "money" to the end of the "month". I rubbed his shoulder gently and said "Honey, I love you. I'm glad you're my husband. You're such a good man." He pushed my hand off his shoulder and looked right over at Andrew and said "Son, love is overrated, marry for money son!"
OK, I could tell y'all about how he's been making fun of the fact that I look like the "Chocolate Rain" dude or how he clowned me yesterday because my "hair" wasn't bouncin' and behaving like it was supposed to--but he just finished cutting the grass--bar-b-quing steaks, hot links and chicken--baking beans--and putting Andrew down for a nap! He's a funny dude, and a hard worker, I guess I'll keep him!
And besides it's a holiday, and I'm just like a regular employee, I'm cutting out early, working half day and giving y'all half a blog...
