Kids are so honest. The most honest folks you'll ever find are kids and really old people. Children are honest because they haven't figured out how to lie good yet--and they talk before they think--that's a combination that will always result in the truth. Old folks just don't give a damn about you!  They know they're gonna die soon, so they  just say whatever the hell is on their minds, and don't give a damn whether or not it hurts your feelings.  So if you don't want to hear that you're really fat, or that that dress makes your butt look big or that your new hair color looks like fried dog $hit, don't ask my grandmother or my 4 year old niece Naya--cause they are going to tell you EXACTLY what you don't want to hear!

When I was at home in Houston for Andrew's birthday recently, I realized just how honest kids really are.  I mean, Andrew can't talk yet--so he ain't had the oral capability to tell me that my cooking tastes like warmed over road kill, but my nieces and nephews don't mind giving me a piece of their mind on anything from politics to healthcare.

Let me just tell y'all, kids are the most honest and funny folks you'll ever spend time with.  I got about 400 jokes stored away just spending 4 days with my nieces and nephew!  That television show, "Kids say the darnedest things"... well they need to revise it and call it "Kids don't give a damn what they tell you...." and interview the little folks in my family... cause they are off the hook.

Thus, inspiring this week's Top 10!  "Top 10 Things my Nieces and Nephews told me during my visit in Houston"...

10.  I was at the mall with one of my nieces when we passed the perfume counter.  They were trying to offer us some of the new Sean "Puffy" Combs fragrence.  They sprayed my arm and then offered to spray my niece with the poison when 9 year old Destinee told them, "Oh no, please don't put that on me, it smells like boo boo.  And I don't want to smell like boo boo!" 

9.  My aunt Danitha has been known to wear her dresses two sizes too small. She's been like that all her life. Now, don't get it twisted, aunt Danitha is a foxy chick--but if she'd just go ahead and wear the size 18 that she actually is instead of the 14--she'd be even cuter!  At Andrew's party, she was donning a chocolate brown Baby Phat cotton mini-dress that was off the shoulder and fell about 6 inches above the knee.  She was twitching around the party in high heels and a tight Patti Labelle weave.  Girlfriend was fierce for a two year old birthday party, let me just tell you.  My little nephew looked at her and then looked at me and said "Auntie, is that Chaka Khan?"  He had recently seen an interview on VH1 and thought we had a celebrity in the family.

8.  My former sister-in-law Christine, my brother's first baby momma (he's got three) came to the party wearing 4-inch heels and was too cool for school.  She looks like a dead ringer for Alliyah (the R&B singer who died in a plan crash a few years back).  She's a full time model, and makes a good living being "cute".  One of my girlfried's who was at the party, her daughter is about 10 years old.  She looked at Christina and mentioned to me that "She looks like one of those girls who dances in videoes."  I asked her, "What makes you say that?"  She told me, "Well, she's got those stripper shoes on."  I thought I was gonna choke on a chicken nugged I laughed so hard.

7.  My cousin Meme is on a diet, and she's doing really good.  She's taking Slim Fast--and she watches what she eats--and she exercises.  Well, we were passing out cake at the party and I was trying to get my nieces involved in the party--kids like it when you give them "tasks" cause it makes them feel like part of the process. So I had my nieces handing out cake to all the guests.  One of my nieces gave a piece of cake to Meme, but she turned it down, "No honey, Auntie Meme is on a diet.  I don't eat cake."  My niece wanted to know, "What's a diet?" Meme told her, "That's when people drink Slim fast to loose weight." My niece told her, "Well, yours must be working slow instead of fast."  Meme looked at me and wanted me to correct the child, I told her like Spider told Tina in What's Love Got to do with it, "Gone eat the cake Anna Mae!"

6.  OK, so you gotta be careful what you let your kids watch on television.  Cause whatever goes in is bound to come out.  Now, my momma recently decided to go natural. So she shaved her hair and has a short cropped cut that is low to her head and has it faded out real good. She looks cuter than a Georgia peach with her "new do"!  Well, the night before the party, my little nephew watched some Mike Epps comey routine that his daddy (my brother) had on bootleg DVD!  When he walked through the door, he took one look at my grandmother's hair and said "Grandma, your head looks like a dirty shaved tennis ball!" 

5.  One of my aunts, I won't say WHO was at the party and let's just say girlfriend forgot to wear her "good girdle" with her shorts and her butt was jiggling like jello!  My nephew watched her walk in the house to use the restroom when he declared to the 30 or so people in attendance, "Her butt looks like two basketballs on her back fighting for position."  I'm going to assume that was also from Mike Epps comedy--cause I don't think Sponge Bob ever said no $hit like that to his underwater friends.

4.  Malcolm, my best friend Fanchon's oldest son (she got three, Malcolm, the oldest, Micah, the girl in the middle, and Christian, the baby boy) was told to go in the house to look for the super glue.   He couldn't find it, even though his momma gave him specific instructions of where he could find it.  She got tired of sending him in the house--so she got up and took him inside to actually show him where it was.  When she pointed out the bottle of Super Glue, he told her, "Momma, why are you calling this Super Glue? I would have never found it.  I mean, it doesn't even have a cape on it. How is it going to be super without a cape?

3.  My best friend Fanchon's youngest son Christian was at the party, he had hiccups for the first time. He went over to his momma and talking through the hiccups said "Momma. I think I'm dying, because my air won't stop beeping!"

2.  OK, so y'all know Andrew's party went ghetto and all the grown folks stayed until midnight until they went to the club and left their children there. Turning a party that started at 2 p.m. into a sleep over.  So I had 7 chil'len to take care of, everything from bathing to washing clothes to putting 'em to bed to feeding 'em, all while their parents enjoyed Houston's downtown nightlife (on my expense) and I'm the one on damn vacation! Anyway, so I'm helping to brush my 4 year old niece Naya's teeth.  After she finishes up, I hand her a plastic cup with a mixture of water and Listerine. She looked in the cup and asked "Auntie, what is this?"  I told her, "It's mouth wash, with water.  Just something you swish around and spit out. It helps your breath smell fresh."  She was relieved, "Oh, I saw all the other cousins drinking it, but I wasn't going to put it in my mouth. I don't drink poison!"  Well, we ain't gonna have to worry about her bowing down to peer pressure, are we?

1.  OK, it ain't Publisher's Clearing House Prize Patrol, but I know we got a lot of moms and dads reading this website er're day. Help me with this one and post a comment (below) of the funniest thing your kid or your niece or your nephew or your grandchild has ever told you!  Tomorrow, the one that makes us laugh the most will win a gift from the Sheletta Shop!  I can't wait to see your entries...

My girl Margaret C has been a supporter of Sheletta.com since the website started back in February of 2006!  She logs on every day and posts comments, sends me encouraging e-mails and keeps me on my toes.  I later found out that Mrs. Margaret C has a wonderful website of her own called 'Happy to be from Iowa' where she too finds humor in day-to-day life and laughs in the face of adversity.

I love her website. It's the first thing I do in the mornings when I wake up, log on and see what ole' MC Hammer is talking about (I've renamed her, so that she shoulds more hip and put a little soul to her flavor).  She's always good for a laugh!  If she gets any better, I'm gonna have to change my tag line to the "Second Funniest Woman in the Twin Cities"--cause girlfriend cracks me up. 

The other day, she told the story of her cousin who was in a fancy boutique:  She was shopping in one of those upscale candle shops - guess in that case it was "shoppes" - and started sniffing the merchandise. The sales person gushed "Oh, you just HAVE to smell this one, it smells exactly like it's name!! Grandma's Kitchen!!"

To which my cousin replied "How'd they get a candle to smell like cigarettes, bacon grease, and a little bit of Hi Lex bleach?"

Though we are from different worlds, I'm a ghetto black chick from the projects, and she is a white woman from Iowa, we share one things: the ability to tell a story!

I had a blog all set to go this morning called "Top 10 things you SHOULD NOT be doing in a church parking lot" after going to the Basilica of St. Marty Block Party this past week and being offered a joint less than 50 feet from the altar.  It was a pretty funny Top 10--but then I read MC Hammer's website and she had something that I benefitted from, and thought you guys would to.

So ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to some and present to others, the REAL funniest chick from the Twin Cities, Margaret C, and her Top to list: "Top 10 things I've leard since my husband got laid off" (actually it's 17 things, she's a little long winded)...

My husband and family bread winner lost his previously-lucrative position in a home building business last October. Things have been tough, to say the least. The construction market isn't exactly open to new hires but he's been working all his contacts and looking at alternative careers. We had put away $ for a rainy day, but now it's storming and we're in a very precarious position. The good news is that I've landed a wonderful part-time job at a great employer who offers benefits, but it isn't enough to support our family of five. He's working short-term jobs and starting his own businesses but for about 1/3 of his previous income. Our modest but perfect dream home is on the market. And we just pray to anyone who'll listen that the car, washing machine, etc just keeping running.

I grew up with very little cash - my Dad was a state employee. We didn't have much spending power but Dad always had a secure job. Then I was a Social Worker after college. So I'm no stranger to living on a shoe string, which helps.

Anyway, back to my point. I've learned some great lessons through this and now I'll share:

1. Friends love potlucks! People just enjoy getting together with other friends, and many of them are tightening their belts too. Potlucks are a great way to entertain.

2. People love you all the same even when you're suddenly poor. In fact, they love you even more for holding your head up and plowing ahead.

3. Help comes from sources you never, ever expected

4. Knowing you have several families who would take you in is a blessing that money can't buy.

5. Other things money can't buy: healthy kids, a good marriage, good friends, a big happy extended family, 46 years with my Grandma

6. Things go more smoothly in the long run if you pay as much as you can on every bill you can. Sometimes you can't make all the ends meet in a crisis but each utility etc likes to see something put down.

7. There are lots of fabulous consignment clothing stores in the Twin Cities and Rochester.

8. You CAN be happy without a credit card. I put all mine away and have used one of them once since October.

9. If you're a big reader like me, find a good used book store. Mine buys my books and gives me more $ in store credit if I don't take it in cash. And of course there's always the library.

10. Basic cable's not so bad: our 10 crappy channels actually keep us away from the TV, which is really a good thing. I hated Hannah Montana anyway.

11. Old vans that are paid for and run great are one of life's simple pleasures.

12. Picnics at a free beach are lovely.

13. Hair dye in a box looks just as good as a professional job. And $7 versus $75 is a no-brainer.

14. Purex laundry detergent cleans just fine.

15. My kids have rediscovered their bikes.

16. The really important moments in life have nothing to do with your bank account.

17. Northwest Airlines just announced a lay off of 2600 folks in management, so we certainly aren't alone.

Half this list is Shawn's and the other half is mine.  We love Houston, Lord knows we do, but we could never live here, as a married couple and survive.  Thus, inspiring this week's top 10!  Top 10 reasons Shawn and I can't live in Houston.

Shawn's list

10.  It's hot!

9.  It's still hot! It's hotter than fish grease on Good Friday at a Catholic church!  This heat has me hallucinating like I took acid with a hit a meth on top of it.  I'm having bad dreams, hearing voices, hell, even my wife looks thinner. Now I know I'm going crazy!

8.  They won't let me walk around naked so that I can air out.  Putting clothes on in this heat is like wrapping myself in plastic. I'm baking just walking from the front door of the house to the car!  And speaking of cars, you'd better crack a window, because if you don't--and you attempt to get in--in all this heat--you'll get 3rd degree burns and the skin on the back of your legs will be bubbling up!

7.  There ain't no anti-persperant or deodorant that can withstand up to a heat index of +400 degrees Fahrenheit.

6.  You can whip up eggs, milk, sugar, butter, flour and vanilla extract in a bunt pan at about 8:00 a.m. and put it out on the porch at 8:05, and eat pound cake by 9:00 a.m.  It's that damn hot outside!

Sheletta's List

5.  Too much damn family!  I got fifteen cousins, dozens of nieces and nephews and a momma and a daddy and umpteen aunts. Let's not count out all the cuzins, the three grand mommas who ain't never gonna die and let's just say we can have a family reunion with 50 relatives with one phone call!  That's too much damn family in one spot!

4.  There are too many pretty women here.  My husband can't have that much temptation.  Women in Minnesota ain't half as pretty as the women in Texas.  I offered my husband a night on a town with his home-boys while I stayed here and watched Andrew, his response was "That's too much temptation. I don't know if I'm ready for that!"

3.  My husband is too irritable in the heat--neither he nor Andrew can stomach these kinds of temperatures.  We all went to the park yesterday, Andrew came home with a heat rash and Shawn came home with an attitude.  He was so hot, that it looked like somebody had poured water on him--that's how hard he was sweating.  My momma was like "Ooh my goodness, what's wrong with Shawn." I told her, "He's pissed cause it's hot outside!"

2.  I didn't realize grand mommas spoiled kids so much.  Andrew is now an avid television watcher and will look at me and say "Momma, watch cartoons." Y'all know before we got here, the boy ain't even know what a damn cartoon was.  I tried to instruct him, "Andrew, no television."  Child, before I could put the "O" on "NO", momma had put it on the cartoons, sat him down to watch and turned up the volume.  Andrew is singing Blues Clues and asking to see Little Bill!  And looking at me with his tongue out daring me to talk as if to say "Now, say something! My grand momma is here and she'll beat the hell out of you!"

1.  I can't do another 2 year old birthday party with my crazy a$$ kin folks. I love 'em all, I really do, but they don't know how to leave a child's birthday party.  Andrew's birthday celebration started at 2 in the afternoon, the last guest left at midnight.  Needless to say, after being in the heat 10 hours, I'm back in a size 4!

I told Shawn if our beloved Pastor Gallmon ever left Fellowship Missionary Baptist Church, I'd want to change memberships.  Don't get me wrong, I love Fellowship and the church has been a blessing to me and my family, but it's at least 20 miles one way from the house and the choir is just average most Sundays.  We really traveled all that way for the good preaching of Pastor Gallmon.  But now that he's gone, I'm ready to bounce. He left this past February when his father died suddenly and moved back to Florida to be near his momma.  Which anyone can understand--he's the oldest son--and feels the need to look after her in his father's absence.

I was sad to see him go, but excited about starting this new chapter in our lives. I was sure Shawn shared my desire to move to a new church home, some place closer, with a good group of folks that shared our Christian values.  Well, Shawn wasn't having it, said he wanted to stay at Fellowship until they found someone new--and then give that new pastor 90 days to figure out whether we were going to be there for the long haul.

Well, weeks, turned to months and months turned to more months and FINALLY the church leadership has appointed a new minister to lead us until they actually hire someone full time. The interim minister is older than Moses and knew Jesus personally.  Once we did some research on him, we realized he's old enough to be our grandfather's grandfather.  Instead of finding someone who was young and charasmatic like our  beloved Pastor Gallmon, they went and found us an old negro spiritual.  Shawn looked at me and said "Baby, this is one indicator that it's time to start looking..." Thus, inspiring this week's Top 10: TOP 10 Ways you know it's time to start looking for a new church home:

10.  When you'd rather go to the local Farmer's Market and look around for fresh lima beans than to go to church, you  might want to start worshiping elsewhere.  We've missed four Sundays in a row, and we ain't missed four Sundays of church in all our adult lives!  But we got fresh beans in the freezer!

9.  When you refer to the interim pastor as "The Rug Doctor" because he's 40 years older than the toupee he has on his head!  It looks like black AstroTurf it's so thick--while his side burns are whiter than Brooke Shields!  At least color the facial hair so it can match!

8.  When the usher stops holding your favorite seats.  We ain't been to church in so long, folks forgot we were still members. We got to church yesterday morning, and somebody was sitting where we've been sitting since we joined there four years ago!  I guess they figure "You move, you loose..."

7.  When the youth choir, young adult choir and senior choir all have the same members, then it's time to bounce!

6.  When the person reading the church announcements starts out with "OK, everybody, wake up. I have some important things to tell you about..." and you hear people yawning, it's time to start looking elsewhere.

5.  If you actually consider bringing a travel sized neck pillow to church, you might want to go someplace a little more lively.  Honestly, I've had the best naps in my adult life since Pastor Gallmon left our church.

4.  When the pastor says "Turn to your neighbor and say 'I love you...'" and you need a bullhorn to tell 'em, you might want to find out where everybody else went who was sitting in those empty seats!  Cause they obviously know something you don't: IT'S TIME TO GET TO STEPPIN'!

3.  If the interim pastor is older than Jesus, it's time for you to roll out.  We need somebody who was born A.D. and not B.C.! 

2.  When you spend half your tithe money to pay for gas just to get to church and back home, it's time to move.  We have a church right on our block that's almost completed (brand new facility--so they shouldn't start us off begging for the building fund)--wouldn't take but a few bucks to get there and back every Sunday. But to get to our church now is costing God too much money!  It's cutting into His stash!

1.  When you're in church with your husband and your 2 year old starts acting up--and you both start fighting to see who is going to be the one to take him out of church so you're not forced to sit there and listen to the sermon.  The argument takes a turn for the worse when you agree to play "rock, paper, scissor" to settle this dilemma!  Let's just say, Shawn was smart enough to pick paper, and I was dumb as a rock.  He and Andrew went across the street to the neighborhood park while I was forced to sit there and listen to Moses tell me all about the burning bush.

I hate those huge Super stores... and they got 'em everywhere. Target has 'em, they call 'em Great Target stores. Then you have the ever present Super Walmart stores--where you can buy everything from baby clothes to a damn baby. Walmart will sell you just about anything! I was looking for the line where I could buy marijuana--cause they had everything else I needed in the store.

And don't get me wrong, I love the fact that I don't have to go to the grocery store for eggs and bacon, then another store for trash bags and dish washing liquid--but these Super duper stores have their drawback and I got ten of 'em.  They've inspired this week's top 10 (Keith, sorry I'm late, we're potty training over here): Top 10 things that piss me off about these alleged Super stores:

10.  Why would you have 50 check out lines at a grocery store and only staff three employees to actually ring up customers?  So you're standing there with your items at lane "50" and the light is off, you look up and way down in the distance, at lane "3" you see a faint light.  You go the half mile down there only to find out that the cashier is in training and the light is blinking. You look up and there are only two more lanes open, lines "2" and "1" and they both got at least 10 customers in 'em.  Now mind you, the store is littered with employees wearing the blue vests who could work the register to get customers out of there in a timely manner, but NONE of 'em passed the security screening that allows them to be around more than $50 in cash!

9.  And speaking of employees, all of 'em have GOT to be developmentally challenged.  They are two pills short of being able to receive a disability check from the government for being crazy as hell!  They see customers walking around the store for hours, looking lost, dehydrated and confused--but instead of helping--they're huddled up chatting about what they are going to eat during their lunch break!  And God forbid you actually "request" help, if they even see you approaching they scatter like roaches when the lights come on.  You gotta chase 'em down and rope 'em like a calf at the Livestock Show and Rodeo to get your question answered.

8.  After walking around aimlessly for hours, I got tired and hungry!  I saw a few folks chewing on something--one lady pointed me in the direction of what looked like a cafeteria.  It was a walk up short order joint!  I would have been happy to get a dog on a stick at this point--I was shaking like a crack head in rehab I was so hungry!  I was bout to order until the nastiest, dirtiest, greasiest looking guy with a hair net on his head and dirt under his fingernails asked me what I wanted to eat.  I had to stop myself from throwing up in my own mouth at the smell of his breaf!

7.  You need a shuttle bus to get from the parking lot to the front door.  If I wanted to walk long distances, I'd go to the gym and work out.  The reason I'm still in maternity clothes is because I like getting out of my car and walking right up the front door! I don't want to have to walk a country mile to get to the front door. By the time my fat ass made it to the front, I had to sit down and take a load off. I needed a hit of oxygen and someone to rub the cramp out of my left leg.

6.  Now, I'm all about getting coupons when I'm shopping. But these "Super Stores" have scavenger hunt coupons.  In a regular grocery store, you buy a loaf of bread and if the bread has a coupon on it, it's for the bread. Or if you're buying some cookies and there is a discount coupon on the cookies, it's actually FOR THE DAMN COOKIES YOU ARE BUYING! But not at these super stores--I bought coffee, there is a coupon on the coffee for foil! Now, cookies and foil don't go together--but hell, I figure if I can save $1, I might as well pick up some  foil.  I get the foil and there is a coupon on the foil for $2 off a case of toilet paper.  You can never have too much toilet paper, so I take my crazy a$$ to the toilet paper aisle and get toilet paper.  When I get there, of course, I find the coupon for the damn coffee! 

5.  There ain't no cell phone reception in those stores. It's like you've gone into an army bunker or something.  You got zero bars! You can't even send out a text message.  I tried calling my husband to figure out how to get the hell out of the store, but I couldn't reach him. It turned into a phone call of "Can you hear me now?" "Hello?" "Hello, can you hear me?"

4.  They don't take checks, but they don't tell you that. They let you write the check, they put it in the register and you think "Damn, I can't believe that check for $80 worth of groceries went through and I only have $4 in the bank!"  Wait, not so fast.  They hand you the check back.  "Oh, we don't take checks. We just debit it out of your account." And your check operates as your receipt.  Hell, if I actually HAD THE MONEY, I wouldn't need to write the check.  Come on people...

3.  In a store that big, you'd think they'd have some grazing food. You know, the little old ladies who have samples on every end aisle. Like they do in Sam's Wholesale store on Saturday mornings. You can go in there and get full, come home, take a nap and not buy anything.  But at these superstores, they don't even pass out free food. I'm peeking around every corner, looking for meatballs or hot wings--NOTHING!  I got so mad, I opened a Twix and ate it.  They owed me that!

2. The lay out of the store is so confusing you need a damn tour guide to go in there and get the items you want. And there ain't no running in and out really quickly!  It's a maze. Today, I just wanted trash bags--I was in there 45-minutes before I just gave up and got the hell out of there.  We'll just start recycling trash bags at home. That'll be our first step to becoming an eco-friendly family!  They need to hang out maps when you walk in so you can actually find what the hell you're looking for while you're in there.

1.  They're larger than a major league baseball field!  You walk in and you can't even see the back of the store--if there is a back--they keep going and going and going and going!    I used a damn old folks scooter to get around today in there. I got tired of walking.  My step-meter said I had gone two miles--and I wasn't even half way through the store yet. 

I guess I should write down the rules of the household for folks who come to visit and stay overnight, kinda like they had in the movie Cider House Rules.  But who would take me seriously? As much as we joke around here, they'd think it was just some silly comedy routine I was testing out...

But when it comes to my house, I'm dead-on serious.  My house guests, however, don't really see it that way.  They come here to relax, spend time with us and visit with Andrew. And I guess, as expensive as airline tickets are, you kinda gotta give them some leeway while they're visiting.  But we've had some major infractions (most of 'em by my mother-in-law) recently by out of town company that made me come up with this week's Top 10 list: "Top 10 Things that your house guests should not do..."

10.  If you're a man, put the toilet seat down!  My husband has been trained; however, the single male friends that we know who came over to visit recently have not been through the instruction course. And I have the wet ass to prove it!

9.  My mother in law was here back in May and when I went to get food to cook dinner, I came back and she had instructed my father in law to clean off the stove. Obviously, the job I did wasn't good enough!

8.  Don't be bringing no extra folks with you. Andrew's Uncle Marty came up recently to take him to his first ballgame!  Which was very nice (and expensive) of him.  Well, he called a few days before arriving and tells me that he's bringing one of his "ladies" with him. I promptly made him reservations at the Holiday Inn.  Y'all know if I don't let a woman pee at my house I damn sure ain't bout to let one take off her clothes to shower.  Either she was gonna sleep in the car and bathe in the restroom at the Super America gas station or she was checking in at the Holiday Inn Express!  Let's just say after her visit, she's smarter...

7.  When my favorite aunt visited recently for Mother's Day, I noticed that there were extra bath towels in the cabinet.  I asked Shawn "Honey, did you go shopping for linens?" When he said no, I tried to figure out what was going on and why we had a surplus of new towels. Well, my beloved aunt says that when she travels, she always brings her own towels!

6.  Oh my kin folks got a bad habit of going through folks' mail.  And usually, when we have out of town company like older aunts or when grandma comes to town, Shawn and I will leave Andrew with them to either run errands or just go out to spend some "alone" time together.  Well, we were out one Saturday afternoon, when one of our house guests took the liberty of not only receiving our mail, but going through it.  We got home, walked in the door and came in to hear her say "Y'alls cell phone bill came today."  Ain't that a blip?

5.  If it's the last of something, don't eat it.  If ain't but one Twinkies in the box, ask before you take it. Otherwise, walk your a$$ down the street to Target and buy a new box!  I live for the Twinkies since my Girl Scout Cookie jar has gone bone dry.  I run out of Twinkies and I will snap, crackle and POP somebody!

4.  Decorative towels are just for decoration. They ain't for you to wipe your hands on after you wash 'em.  That's why we have paper towels right next to the hand soap in the restrooms.  The paper towel is what you use to dry your hands on, not my designer expensive decorate towels. 

3.  Ask for help if you find yourself in a bind.  We had some company over the other day and they broke all the damn child safety covers for the toilet seats.  Every single one in all the restrooms.  The one in the downstairs guest bathroom was shattered.  That's when my friend declared, "You know, I don't know what these are, but I think this one isn't usable anymore."

2.  Follow instructions when you're using our $hit. My momma came here and took one of my husband's kitchen spoons to make a gravy for the gumbo that wasn't designed to withstand 500 degree heat.  Child, she melted the spoon then put it in the freezer to try to reshape it so we wouldn't know it was damaged.  When we got ready to use it, it was warped!

1.  Don't be rearranging nobody's damn furniture.  My mother in law weighs all of 80 pounds and has a 10 pound oxygen tank on her back. When she's out and about, she's gotta use a wheel chair and can't walk for more than a few feet without having to sit down and rest.  But when she was visiting us recently, somehow, she mustered up enough strength to change my damn living room furniture around.  Had my whole damn family room rearranged by the time I got back from grocery shopping.

Y'all know we is a church going Bible believing family. If it's in the good book, we abide by it--no ifs, ands, or buts about it!  But my husband and I have taken a little "liberty" lately in the scriptures we find in the Good Book!  Whenever I want Shawn to do something he doesn't want to do--I try to find scripture to back me up.  And when Jesus doesn't provide what I need, I make up my own versus.  Thus inspiring this week's Top 10 List: Top 10 Forgotten Scriptures from The Bible"....

10.  From the book of Aunt Mary Joe (that's my favorite aunt and Andrew's favorite great-aunt): "Taketh thy son's social security number and getteth thee all the credit thee needs--especially at major department stores, thus said the prophetess."  When I was 'bout 13, I found out my beloved Aunt had her phone in my name... when my nieces turn 13, they'll realize that my cable is in their name.  It's a family tradition I hope they one day pass down to their nieces!

9. So Shawn is trying to get me to comb my hair and brush my teeth on the same day (which ain't possible)!  He's offering me an increase in my allowance and a promise he'll stop cheating--but neither works.  So he finally tells me that being pretty for your husband is Biblical!  When I ask for proof he shows me to the book of Outside Woman, chapter 3, verse 14 "Either looketh beautiful or thy husband will strayeth thus said the prophet."

8.  There is always somebody on your job that makes you wanna slap the hell out of 'em--which is why I'm a stay-at-home momma now.  When you're feeling the urge to fight your co-worker, just go to the book of the apostle Tupac and tell 'em "I ain't a killer, but don't push me.."

7.  When we took our vows, our pastor had us quote scripture from the book of Ruth that says "Entreat me not to leave you--for where you go I will follow..."  I put a twist on it and told Shawn (at the altar and in front of God and all our witnesses), "If you leave me, you know I'll follow you, right?" That's from the book of Lisa Nowak, the crazy astronaut.  She's been closer to God than anyone else--going out of space and all--I figure she's got divine revelation being up in the clouds!

6.  Shawn wanted to go out with his friends the other day--and I had to veto his desire to hang out at the bar and have fun after work!  I'm at home with a 2 year old all day who thinks he's auditioning for Cirque du Solieu on my living room table by  hanging on to light fixtures--so I needed a break.  I told him God didn't want him going out with his friends, he needed to come home.  I quoted a scripture from the book of Crazy Baby Momma that said "If you goeth out with your friends without giving your wife a break you will have hell on earth and plagues will come for 100 days, thus said the prophetess."  Needless to say, he came straight home from work.

5.  Poor Shawn, after working a full 12 hour day, he comes home and plays with the kid and then he's gotta hear bitching and complaining from his wife.  I looked at him and he was so drained. I asked "Honey, are you tired? I've been chewing your ear off.  You want to talk to me?"  He said "No, I'll just read my bible to comfort me.  I just read a scripture in the book of Imohtep (the villain from that movie "The Mummy" who would suck the life out of people) that says "Thy wife will draineth the life out of you." So I am prepared."

4.  I love shopping, but being a stay at home momma on a budget of zero, it's hard to go into the store and come out with anything these days, unless of course, I take my check book.  Shawn keeps complaining "Honey, you got more bounced checks. Stop writing them if you don't have the cash to cover them." I quipped, "Baby, if I had the money, I wouldn't need the checks."  He doesn't know I operate from the book of Elevation that tells me, "Thy checks will carry thee."  I can never be overdrawn if I got checks.  It's my job to write them, it's their job to find me (cause the address is wrong) and find the cash (good luck)!

3.  Shawn is operating from the book of Ghosts this week watching the NBA Finals.  Cause I am invisible to him.  I asked him about 10 times "Honey, can you help me get Andrew to bed?" He just sat there staring at the television.  Finally, I just dropped the baby in his lap and yelled "Boy, don't you hear me talking to you?"  He chuckled, "Oh no, I was meditating on my favorite scripture from the book of Ghost that says "Thy wife shalt be invisible to thee when a ball is ever present before thee on the television screen."

2.  When Shawn complains that I tell him what to do all the time, I remind him that I'm just following the Biblical principal that says "thy wife shalt dominate thee". 

1.  Shawn implores me to be "available" on a more regular basis--and says that it's encouraged by the Bible from the book of Conjugal "Giveth thy husband all the sex he wanteth or else he will be forceth to seek out new booty elsewhere."

10.  Prince was a grown a$$ man, but he was living at home in his momma and daddy's basement.  Anybody bold enough to wear lace gloves and ruffle shirts and pants that button down the sides of his legs ought to be grown enough to afford to get his own place.

9.  I've searched the world, and even in Minneapolis, motorcycles don't come in purple. 

8.  And speaking of lace, grown men ought not be wearing lace gloves and ruffle shirts, especially in Minneapolis in the winter time. It was cold as hell outside during the movie!  This is the coldest place in the world to live, and he was able to ride around on a motorcycle as his primary mode of transportation wearing lace gloves--and he never got frost bite.  Knowing the winters in Minneapolis are consistently -20 degrees!  He should have had to get his fingers amputated by the end of the movie if that were really the case!  I went to take the trash out this past winter, with work gloves on--and by the time I got back in the house--my fingers were purple... so I know damn well that he ain't survive in Minneapolis during the winter wearing no lace gloves...

7.  Every body in the movie had either a dark and lovely perm or a jerry curl, even white folks.  "Big fluffy hair" was the order of the day.  Prince's $hit was feathered and so was Morris Day's!  They both looked like Farah Fawcett from Charlie's Angels!

6.  Y'all remember that part in the movie where Appolonia pawned that bracelet and bought a guitar for Prince? I need to find out what Pawn Shop she went to!  Cause ain't no where in the world you can pawn a bracelet and get enough money for a fancy guitar like that!  And why was she buying him a guitar anyway when she was homeless? She should have taken that money and put a downpayment on a one bedroom or studio apartment somewhere. But instead of doing that, she's living in a hotel, dancing on poles and spending her last nickle on a guitar for her boyfriend.  Mind you, he thanks her by slapping her a$$!  She should have took that guitar and went upside his head with it!

5.  I don't care if he does wear girly boots and blouses, grown a$$ man ought not play with puppets. Prince sat there during the movie playing with toys that are too feminine for my little son Andrew to play with.  That's just wrong--wrong on so many levels!

4.  How did Appolonia walk around the streets of the Twin Cities in panties and a bra and nobody arrest her for indecent exposure?

3.  And speaking of Appolonia, how did she get that role with no singing abilities and no dancing abilities and even less acting ability? Where the hell was Vanity in all this? She should have been the leading lady!  Oh, I almost forgot, she was caught up with Carl Weathers, starring in those (horrible) Action Jackson movies!

2.  Why is it that when Appolonia and Prince were kissing in the movie I felt like I was watching some bad gay lesbian love porn? I wanted to call my Uncle Kathy and tell her to tune in.  It looked like two women were getting it on--Prince all cute and pretty--Appolonia all cute and pretty--I couldn't tell who the man was until I looked at his Adam's Apple--and even then, hers was about 2 centimeters larger in diameter.

1.  OK, this is when I knew that Purple Rain was a work of true fiction!  Prince's daddy, a black man, regularly and routinely beat up his momma, a white woman... but somehow, he NEVER went to jail for doing so!  There ain't no way on God's green earth that a brother is gonna put his hands on a white woman and not get put in jail and have the key thrown away.  OJ Simpson was the first, last and only black man to get away with some $hit like that!

My husband keeps forgetting what his job description is.  He's a health care administrator, but he seems to think he's a comedian.  He needs to be reminded that I'm the funny one in this house--his job is to laugh at my jokes!  Not to MAKE JOKES ABOUT ME!!

I read his little funky blog this past Sunday in his "Sunday Thought"--talking about how rough my heels are--so it got me to thinking about all the crazy $hit he's said to me that he figured was funny (most of it is)--thus inspiring this week's Top 10 List:

Top 10 of the Craziest $hit my husband has ever told me

10.  The other night when I came to bed, I was a little "ashy" and hadn't lotioned my feet!  I was trying to get a little "frisky" with my husband and rubbed his legs with my feet.  He looked over at me and asked "Honey, do you have on socks? Socks with razor blades strapped to the heels?  I think I'm bleeding--your feet are rough--I think I need a skin graph."

9.  A new report came out that says women are more likely to commit suicide when they turn 35 years old.  We were watching the news when the reporter gave all the information to the viewers.  Shawn smiled and looked at me and said, "Man, you just turned 35!  I was gonna poison you to get out of this marriage, but now I'll just wait for you to take care of the dirty deed yourself. If you need money for a prescription or a ride to a big tall bridge, let me know."

8.  I was all dressed up, we were going out with friends, had a baby sitter and ready for a night on the town.  Child, I was foxy! I mean like back when I was 22 years old foxy!  I was twisting around, trying to be "pretty", when Shawn looked at me and said "Honey, I'm gonna need you to go back upstairs and trim those nose hairs.  They were waving at me when you walked down the stairs!  They are long like fingers."

7.  My girlfriend called me the other day and we were laughing about the time that Shawn found out I was pregnant.  He called her (I never knew this) and said "She got me didn't she Fanchon?"  Hell yeah I got you... now realize you're stuck and be happy in the prison you've created for yourself by not using a condom.

6.  I get tired sometimes, of the regular routine--washing dishes--changing pampers--sweeping--mopping--cooking!  I told Shawn the other day "Honey, I need help with stuff around the house." He offered to get me a cleaning service, but I flatly refused. I'm very particular about who I let in my house--let alone who I let clean it.  I tried suggesting he help out with some of the chores when he told me "Look, we have clearly defined roles in this relationship. I pay all the bills, you clean up and take care of Andrew.  I won't ask you for help paying the mortgage and you don't ask me for help washing those pots."

5.  The other day, Shawn was stressed, I could see it in his face. He had just worked a 12 hour day and when he came home I was PMS-ing real bad. Like to the point that Andrew was hiding under the table and the roaches were even on the run.  When I realized Shawn had it 'up to here', I told him "Honey, you should probably start taking some golf lessons or play tennis or something--a stress reliever--to help you out so you won't be so tense all the time.  I can see the tension in your face."  Shawn shook his head no, "Oh no. I don't need no stress reliever.  Right before I have a heart attack because of stress at work and being married to a crazy ass wife--I'm gonna snap and beat the hell out of you. I don't want a leisurely game of golf to prevent me from doing that."

4.  Shawn was sitting at the table with a stack of bills--trying to figure out how he was gonna stretch his "money" to the end of the "month".  I rubbed his shoulder gently and said "Honey, I love you. I'm glad you're my husband. You're such a good man."  He pushed my hand off his shoulder and looked right over at Andrew and said "Son, love is overrated, marry for money son!"

OK, I could tell y'all about how he's been making fun of the fact that I look like the "Chocolate Rain" dude or how he clowned me yesterday because my "hair" wasn't bouncin' and behaving like it was supposed to--but he just finished cutting the grass--bar-b-quing steaks, hot links and chicken--baking beans--and putting Andrew down for a nap!  He's a funny dude, and a hard worker, I guess I'll keep him!

And besides it's a holiday, and I'm just like a regular employee, I'm cutting out early, working half day and giving y'all half a blog...

10. If you're over 40 years old, you ought not be working the check out line at the grocery store.  I was at Cub Foods recently and I had the meanest cashier ever known to man.  When I looked up, it was a 40-something year old guy who was mad that he never got his GED; so now he's gotta try to figure out which coupons match the actual items that the customers are buying.  Child, he couldn't even tell from the photos on the coupons if it matched anything I was actually buying!  He got so frustrated, he just gave me the damn groceries and didn't charge me anything.

9.  A grown man ought not be doing nails!  When I was down in Atlanta recently, there was a guy doing manicures and pedicures.  I'm sorry, I just couldn't let him paint my toe nails and give me a French manicure on my hands.  To top things off, he was even doing eyebrow arches...

8.  I was heading to the post office the other day when I had to stop at a red light on White Bear Avenue and Old Hudson Road.  Well, on the right hand side of the street, (if you're heading south) there is a Jiffy Lube.  I glance over there at the marquee to see if they had any oil change specials and there, standing on the corner, with a sign that displayed the daily specials, was a man, who had to be in his 50s!  He was holding the sign while people drove by and hoisted it high in the air to get their attention.  He was jolly, smiling and waving--as if he had just found out that the minimum wage in Minnesota had just been raised $1!  If Andrew ever decides that he doesn't want to do his "homework" when he gets older, I'm gonna let this guy be his mentor!

7.  Andrew and I go to the Chuck E Cheese in West St. Paul sometimes when it's cold outside or raining--so he can run around and tear up something else other than my damn house!  Well, the Chuck E Cheese was walking around and handing out hugs and smiles.  He came right over to Andrew and shook his hand.  My baby was so excited that he actually got to meet Chuck E Cheese.  Well, when we got ready to go, there was a damn senior citizen standing at the door waiting on his "ride" to pick him up.  When we walked past him, he said "There's my little man!"  I grabbed my baby in fear--thinking this must be "Chester the Child Molester"--and I'm about to taser his a$$; but in actuality, it was Chuck E Cheese--minus his costume.

6.  If a man over the age of 30 is working at McDonald's, he'd better own the damn place.  Back when I was about 16 or 17 years old, I worked at McDonald's--just like every other teenager in the country.  What always troubled me was there were grown a$$ men working there who had been there since the restaurant opened, about 10 years or so, and they weren't even a lead shift manager.  These jokers were just working fries. I mean, mind you, they were the fry master--they knew everything about fries--from the correct temperatures of the grease to the proper cut of the potato.  And they had no goals of even becoming shift supervisor.  Too much responsibility!

5.  We were at the Minnesota State Fair last year and this big buff brother was working the merry-go-round at the state fair. He was the damn operator!  Childddd, I near bout died. He looked like he should be doing security for Prince & The Revolution, or Sheila E. or somebody--but he was too busy with the responsibility of a state fair ride.

4.  Unless you're Gene Anthony Ray (Leroy from Fame) a grown a$$ man ought not be teaching ballet lessons. I don't care how graceful he is!

3. No male physician should go to medical school to become a proctologist.  Just something wrong with a man going to college for 4 years to learn how to study another man's a$$!  Be a gynecologist for crying out loud!

2.  I always dreamed of a male housekeeper--one of with six pack abs and biceps that have speed bumps on them they are so chisseled.  But I can't imagine it happening in real life.  Why? Cause it could just be me, and my backward way of thinking--or my traditionalist views of the roles of men and women in the home--but I can't see a man cleaning up my house for a fee. Unless of course, he was doing it in a loin cloth and feeding me grapes at the same time while fanning me with a big palm leaf, giving me a massage and oiling down my back!

1.  Nothing says I ain't got my G.E.D. like a grown man working as a telemarketer.  That's a job that says "You know what, I couldn't even qualify for fries at McDonald's!". 

Black folks love to sing. I'm telling you, I think my son Andrew came out the womb singing.  He wakes up singing and he goes to bed singing. When he's up during the day--if he even sees the CD player or the lap-top computer--he points to it and says "Music, mommy! Music!!"  As soon as he turns "2", we're getting him in some music lessons, you never know, he might be the next Bobby Brown!

One thing about black folks though, we might love a song--and sing it with all our might--but I'll be damned if we know all the words.  We'll get through a chorus or two--perhaps even a verse, but ain't no way we gonna make it through an entire song with all the correct words!  That just ain't possible.  And we ain't gonna take the time to learn the words--when we get to a point where our favorite singer says something in the song and we can't understand it, we'll just insert our own verse.  And rhyme it with whatever we "think" they just said.  That goes for everything from gospel music to hip-hop to R&B. 

And especially now since ain't nobody actually buying albums anymore--and you don't have access to the words to a song--it's gotten a lot worse.  Folks are either downloading songs on their I-pod or downloading them illegally or burning a copy of their favorite artist's new release from a friend (Hey man, times are hard, and gas is $4 a gallon, but we still wanna get that new Mary J Blige CD.  Might as well say Mary J. was 5 million sold and 10 million STOLE!).

I was talking to my girl Kimmy from Atlanta the other day and she told me to watch this show on Fox I think, with Wayne Brady--he's got a game show where folks gotta sing the words to the songs--and when they do so correctly, they advance--and win money.  I don't do too much television, but this show was funny as hell.  Whenever the black folks got too much money, they'd throw a Rock and Roll category their way--and sure enough--they had no idea what the words were to the Barry Manolo tune.  And white folks in the crowd would be amazed like "How could Tyrone NOT know the lyrics to Copa Cabana?"

Let me let y'all in on a little secret, there are only 10 songs black folks know all the words to. And I'm gonna need ole' Wayne Brady to add these songs in the rotation for his show; cause Wayne ain't black enough to actually know that these songs below are the only songs WE know all the words to. I don't care if you're 2 or 102, black folks know these songs cause we hear 'em year after year at birthday parties, family reunions, baptisms and pastor's anniversaries.

Shawn and I were out for ice cream the other night and we put in an old school CD--we rode past the house about 10 times singing the words to the following...

Top 10 songs black folks know all the words to

10.  Is the famous diss song "In the Rain" by Oran Juice Jones (..."so you can take that alley-cat-coat-wearing-Hush-Puppy-shoe-wearing-crumb-cake-I-saw-you-wit'-&-SCAT-'cuz-you-dismissed!"). I'm convinced that Oran Juice Jones was Steve Harvey in his younger days.  Those two could be twins!

"The Pack Yo Sh*t" part at the end of the tune She's Got Papers by  Richard "Dimples" Fields was the anthem for black women who were fed up with bull$hit from 1973 to 2001!  ("Well, well, well!  What have we here?" This might just be ME...)

8.  My Girl by The Temptations.  I don't even need to give you any of the hooks on this one. Hell, my 7 year old niece can sing this one and her momma wasn't even born when it came out.  Just part of our DNA!

7.  Joy & Pain by Maze featuring Frankie Beverly.  This is the REAL black folks national anthem.  I was in the Louisiana Superdome for the Essence Music Festival when Frankie took the microphone and started belting out this tune.  I saw 150,000 people in unison start singing--and doing the electric slide at the same damn time. Without prompting, it was like somebody said "OK, all together now GO!" (..."the ones that you care for, bring you so much pain--oh but it's wonderful--they are both one in the same.)

6.  Our Love by Natalie Cole.  I'm talking about cocaine snorting Natalie Cole. She was blowing back in the day when she was stoned out of her mind.  Her sobriety really meant the end of her career.

5.  Before Dave Chapelle made him famous for being a crack head, Rick James was known for singing and playing a mean guitar.  The one song that we all know is his ode to the reefer, Mary Jane.  (..."I'm in love with Mary Jane, she's my main thing, she makes me feel alright.  She makes my heart sing...")

4.  If you grew up in a black household, listening to Switch was mandatory.  And if you listened to Switch, you know all the lyrics to "I Call Your Name".  That's the best love song ever written!  (..."I'm not worried bout a dog-on-thing, I take anything you bring. Although I love the sunshine, I still accept the rain.")

3.  Slow Jam by Midnight Star probably was the reason more kids were born out of wedlock than any other song in the history of popular black music. You put that song on and you gotta go FIND somebody to have relations with!  Just listening to that song this morning made me all in love with my husband all over again an we ain't even talking to each other this mornin.
2.  Do you remember Larry Blackman and Cameo? Now they were some funk pioneers in the tradition of George Clinton and Sly and the Family Stone, but they were also known for their ballads.  They got a song called Sparkle, I'm here to tell you, if you ain't heard it, you gotta check it out. I'm talking to the white folks, cause the black folks know all the words to this one.

1.  And I know they were considered "bubble gum rap", but right now, if somebody started singing Rapper's Delight by The Sugarhill Gang, you couldn't help but join in. And we all know the words on this one. Black, white and other!  Ain't nobody in the history of modern civilization done heard this song and not rushed to the dance floor and sang along with those three dudes who pretty much vanished from the face of the earth after penning Rapper's Delight and Apache (Jump On It).  Say what you will about Rapper's Delight, it was jammin' and we all know the words!  If Barak Obama really wants to unify the country, he should use this as his theme song!

Honorable mentions go out to Lenny Williams for his 1970s anthem "Cause I Love You", The Commodores Country & Western balad "Sail On", and The O'Jay's "Family Reunion".

"Lawd deliver me from this woman that is known as the anti-Christ my mother in law."

That was my prayer to Jesus as I woke up out of my sleep this morning to the sound of a tractor trailer her oxygen machine.  It's like sleeping next to a damn lawn mower--and the thing gives off so much heat, we gotta turn the air on just to balance things out (and it's cold outside).

I knew it would be bad--my mother-in-law staying with me for seven full days, from Wednesday to Wednesday, but I never thought that I'd want to kill her so soon. I thought I would at least make it to Tuesday before I literally wanted to feed her rat poison or go in the bathroom while she's taking a shower and drop a blow dryer in her tub of hot bubble bath.

This woman is trying to send me to jail. I think she's on a suicide mission--cause with the things she's doing around here--she MUST want me to kill her. That's it, she don't want to take her own life so she can get a proper church burial--so she's gonna get me to do her dirty work for her. That's the only thing I can think of y'all--cause surely ain't nobody in the world this mean and hateful. 

To make matter's worse, she ain't but 80 pounds soaking wet, she's got an oxygen tank strapped to her back and she's frail. You wouldn't think that she'd be so ugly to somebody when she got one foot on the grave and another foot on a banana peel and she's wearing skates without stoppers on 'em.  If you look at her you'd think "Oh Sheletta, she's a sweet old lady, she ain't that bad." Shittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!

And I'm putting up with her cause she's my husband's momma AND he pays all the bills AND if I say something, it's just gonna make things worse, AND she's so old that I know she ain't gonna be around much longer--so I figure I can grin and bear it.  Plus that, my husband puts up with my crazy momma when she comes and he don't complain--and I'm sure she gets on his nerves just as bad as his momma gets on mine.

I had another Top 10 planned for today, but I gotta break down this mother-in-law drama and tell y'all what she done did before I choke to death. I was gonna try to keep it inside and not tell y'all--but it kept poking at me--like a hang nail.

And I ain't gonna do 10 things today--cause if I have to relive the horror of the past five days, I might just break down and cry.  So here's this week's Top 5:

TOP 5 things my mother-in-law has done to get me to kill her cause she obviously wants to die, but don't want to do it herself:

5.  I went to the store to get dinner and when I came home my stove was cleaned off.  She had taken an SOS soap pad and cleaned the covers on the stove.  Now mind you, the stove wasn't dirty--but she felt it could be cleaner. When I asked her why she said "Because that stove was too dirty for you to cook my food on."  Ooh, I almost stabbed her with a plastic butter knife!  I'm still holding it right now while I type...

4.  We were entertaining company at the house when Andrew came up to me and said "Mommy, boo boo. Pamper mommy. Itch." Meaning he had went potty in his pamper and he needed to be changed.  The lady who was visiting, Mother Long we call her, Andrew's surrogate grandmother and the sweetest thing this side of heaven said to me "Oh Sheletta, he's so sharp.  He's not even two years old.  And he's saying all of that. You're doing a great job with him."  Of course, my mother in law wasn't gonna let the compliment just lay there on the floor without shooting it. She chimed in, "He ought to be sharp. She ain't working.  I was working, I had five kids and they were all potty trained before they were two years old.  He's doing that because his daddy is smart.  That's where he gets that from. You can't teach that."

3.  She eats ice cream. Loves the stuff, can't get enough!  So, she sent me to the store to get her some ice cream and she said "large cones".  I go to the store, get her brand and the largest cones I could fine were waffle cones. Hell, they were even $2 more than the regular cones. Well, I come back and she's preparing ice cream and she looks at the box and asks me, "Did I ask for waffle cones? I asked for large ice cream cones!  You must eat waffle cones, because I don't eat them." I explained to her that I don't eat ice cream at home period. If we want ice cream we go to a creamery, like Marble Slab or Cold Stone.  So, needless to say, her husband wound up walking to the store to get her cones that she likes.  It was snowing outside and cold. I don't think they brought coats--cause we ain't really expect it to be this damn cold outside.

2.  The first night they got here, I had planned to cook spaghetti.  Well, I forgot that I had signed up to volunteer at the YWCA and talk to some kids about the importance of staying in school (I was in college for 10 years getting a 4 year degree--that qualifies me to talk about staying in school--cause I damn near never left)!  Shawn reminded me so I went upstairs, got dressed and left, while Shawn started on dinner. Well, they had two groups for me to talk to, so my 20 minute speech took twice as long.  When I got home, Shawn was done and setting the table for everyone to eat. I jumped right in the kitchen and starting fixing drinks and setting out silverware for everyone to eat with.  When my mother-in-law got ready to sit down at the dinner table, I was putting out the bread.  So after dinner, she makes the smart alack comment, "Shawn, son, that was some good food. I'm glad you thought enough of me to cook and feed me. Otherwise, I guess I'd starve to death. Oh, Sheletta, the bread was good too!"

2b. Keeping with the cooking theme, Shawn fried fish Saturday, so we ate fried fish and potatoes.  Well, after dinner my mother-in-law looked at me and said "Sheletta, can you cook this good? I guess I'll never know since Shawn does all the cooking and housework around here."  That one right there almost got her jaw caved in!

1.  We're sitting at brunch after church with Shawn, his dad, my mother in law, Andrew, my girlfriend Toni from church and one of Toni's friends.  So we're talking and chatting and laughing and having a good time.  Eating between jokes.  My mother-in-law finishes her plate of food and says "Oh, I'm sleepy."  So we all say "Yeah, alright. We're sleepy too." and we keep eating and having a good time. The food was heavy--and y'all know black folks, we eat and fall right to sleep. I think it's in our DNA or something. So I'm in the middle of telling Toni's friend (who I've never met) my famous "Why I don't let women pee in my house..." joke when my mother in law interrupts me and says "Sheletta, your mouth is open but you ain't putting no food in it.  I'm finished eating, I'm sleepy and I'm ready to go. If you would stop talking so much and put some food in your mouth, we could have left hours ago."

I ain't one of those folks whose mood is determined by circumstances. Cause if I was, I would have gone postal last week on somebody.  The laughter that I have inside is the only thing that carried me through to today.  That and the grace of God!  I'm telling y'all, cause otherwise somebody would have gotten shot at or cut or worse: CUSSED OUT!  But I was able to laugh at everything, from Saturday's visit to the DMV to Tuesday's appointment with the tax guy... all I could think was "Man, this is some great stuff for the blog.  This gotta be happening to me for joke potential!  Either that or it's a terrific test of faith."

So, without further ado, strap on your seat belt and get ready to laugh at this week's top 10:

Top 10 Things that almost got me sent to jail last week:

10.  I went to the Department of Motor Vehicles last Saturday to get my drivers' license in Minnesota.  Y'all know I am still holding on to this Louisiana Driver License cause it still ain't expired.  And I'm pissed off cause the state of Minnesota makes you take the written test over again.  I'm done with college--I got my degree--I'm done reading and studying. If I ain't learned it by now, I don't want to know it. But my husband wants me to be "legit"--so I went to the DMV office in Roseville on Saturday.  They were the only office open on weekends.  So I get there, I'm first to pull up, 30 minutes before the office actually opens.  Then, a few more cars pull up.  We're sitting there cause it's cold and it's snowing and nobody wants to get out of their car.  I'm figuring "OK, everybody is going to remember who got there when and we'll all be fair--these good white folks saw that I was first to get here--so when the doors open, they'll do the right thing."  Child PALEEZE!  About 10 minutes before the doors opened, everybody jumped out their cars and ran to the door to line up.  So I got out of my car and got in the front.  This guy tapped me on the back and said "Excuse me, the line forms in the rear."  I informed him in a very threatening way "I was here FIRST.  I saw you when you drove up with your Starbucks. Unless you plan on wearing it this morning, I suggest you back up off me!" 

9.  So I get inside the building and walk up to the customer service agent and tell her that I'm there to take my test and get a Minnesota license.  She informs me that I've stood outside in sub freezing temps in vain.  That this office did not do tests--and that I had to go during the week to another location.  Now SHE almost died!  I was two prescriptions from jumping over the counter and choking her a$$! 

8.  I went Monday to our accountant to get my taxes done. I was sure that I'd get a rebate this year. I had a lot of deductions for work, charitable contributions and plus that, my income puts me at right below the poverty level.  So I'm sitting there while the guy does my taxes.  He calls me in to sign the paperwork and I owed nearly $1,000 to the federal folks and an additional couple of hundred dollars to the state folks.  On top of that, I had to pay this joker $150 just so he could tell me that I'm deeper in debt than I started out earlier that morning.  I just wrote checks to everybody.  Whoever gets to the bank first gets paid, the other two will be left hanging.

7.  Gas went up to $3.45 a gallon on Tuesday in my neighborhood.  I filled up my little bitty Nissan Sentra and paid $40 for regular gasoline. Not even premium gas!  That's enough to drive anybody over the edge.

6.  OK, I'm all dressed up for a television interview with Nelson Mandela's photographer on Tuesday, thinking I'm looking good and smelling good. I got an opportunity to bathe and brush my teeth in the SAME day.  I walk downstairs trying to impress my husband (cause I'm usually looking like a bag lady) and he looks at me and says "Baby, you plan on trimming those nose hairs before we leave? Those things are so long they are blowing in the wind!"

5.  Not like we have any money to spare--with the rising price of gas and groceries and er'rething else, rich folks are pinching pennies.  But this past Wednesday, Shawn and I decided that we were going to eat out at this Chinese restaurant near our house. We'd gone there before, so we knew it was going to be pretty good.  I decided to "treat" and we got take out.  We got home and dished up the sweet and sour chicken, shrimp fried rice and egg rolls--and it was not only cold but OLD.  The damn food was so old it came with AARP cards.  Apparently, this place closes at 6, and has a buffet at lunch time.  Well, from the looks of what we had in that brown paper bag, Shawn surmised that we got the left overs from lunch--cause they surely didn't cook that food fresh.  I think they gave us some $hit from a few days before.   I was going to take it back but Shawn warned me, "Honey, you don't mess with Chinese people like that. This ain't the Olive Garden where you can send a note the corporate office. You just gotta let it go and chalk it up as a loss.  Or you can go down there and get Kung Foo-ed!"

4.  So Thursday, I notice that my glasses are dirty. I go to wash them, put them back on, and they still are dirty.  I go buy a new "cleaning rag" from Target and sprayed them good and cleaned them, but the dirt doesn't go away.  So I take off the glasses, turn the light on and look at these glasses that cost my husband $400 and aren't even a year old--and the damn things are cracked--from the bottom of the lenses to the top!  I mean a long crack on the left lens.  These things were supposed to be the deluxe model glasses, we got scratch resistant coating, glare reflection, all the upgrades!  So I went back to Lens Crafters to let 'em know I wanted them to replace my glasses!  I get there and they tell me that there is no warranty and that I'd have to purchase another set of lenses--with NO discount.  So the glasses are scratch resistant but not crack resistant.  And I'm telling y'all--nothing happened to these glasses. I ain't break 'em or do anything crazy. I woke up Thursday morning and they were just LIKE THAT!  I'm going back to Lens Crafters and throw a brick through the window--see if they'll replace that crack!  They can kiss the crack of my .... 

3.  So Andrew and I usually go to Battle Creek Park in St. Paul to play every day that the weather cooperates.  We love it there and they've got lots of stuff for small kids like him--plus that it's close to the house and it's FREE!  Well, we get there last week and the police are there, crime scene tape is blocking the road--I see television news trucks and er'rething. I get out the car and snoop around to find out what's going on and one of the cops tells me that they found a dead guy earlier that morning at the park!  What the hell?  A dead body, at the park where we hang out and play every day?  We turned around, came home and ordered some Little Tikes outdoor play gear.

2.  So I wrote out my bills--with checks of course--even though I don't have money in the account, I got checks, so I can't be overdrawn!  Right? Right!  So anyway, I'm balancing my account and this one group of checks don't clear. I'm waiting and waiting and still, the checks are out there floating around somewhere. I call the bank to see what they suggest that I do. The agent tells me to cancel the checks, re-write them out and mail them again.  So I put a stop-payment on the checks and re-issue them to the folks I owe money to.  Well, what the damn agent didn't tell me was that there is a $33 fee on each transaction when you stop payment on a check.  By the time I found that out, it was too late.  When I did realize it, my a$$ had stopped three checks, bounced five checks and my account was negative a few hundred bucks!

1.  I ran out of Girl Scout Cookies!  That's enough to drive a fat woman insane.  We bought about five or six boxes of three or four different kinds.  But since I'm at home all day long, especially in the winter, I'm poppin' them in my mouth like Skittles!  Well, I went to get a cookie to calm my  nerves and they were gone.  Just an empty space where the box USED to be!  And what really pisses me off is that you can't find these damn cookies no where else in the city!  I don't even know the name of the little white girl in the green uniform who worked my neighborhood earlier this year and sold me the cookies in the first place!  She's really a dealer--cause I'm a junkie.  You can say what you want, those Girl Scout Cookies have crack in 'em.  I tried the cookies with the little elf on 'em, but it just ain't the same. 

My great grandmother takes about 10 prescriptions per day.  When I was home recently, I watched her pop pill after pill and couldn't figure out what the hell they were all for.  At 86 years old, great-grandma Freddie is relatively healthy. She gets around like she wants to, doesn't walk with a limp or a cane. She can see pretty good. Still sporting that jerry curl she got back in 1985 cause it's low maintenance and she's not going back to a perm under any circumstances. 

So I asked her "Great grandma Freddie, what the hell you need all these pills for?"

She wen down the list "Well, this one is for this and the other one is for that!"

Half the damn pills she probably didn't need, but the drug manufacturers have convinced old folks that if they don't take at least 10 pills a day, they're gonna die!  I got news for 'em all: one day, we're all gonna die!  With or without the damn prescriptions!!!

So this morning, my momma called to tell me that my great-grandma Freddie had a dizzy spell and fell and hit her hand!  Well, went to the emergency room and come to find out, she broke her wrist.  ER docs traced it back to a prescription that she didn't really need that was causing black outs.  That's one of the side effects--but she doesn't remember the doctor giving her that warning--but then again, she got a prescription to help her stop forgetting $hit!

I get off the phone with my momma this morning--after she tells me about great grandma Freddie, and I can't sleep. So I'm up, at 3 in the morning, trying to come up with a Top 10--then a commercial comes on talking about a prescription drug that cures your sinus infections--but one of the side effects is intestinal bleeding.  I don't know about you, but I'd rather have the sniffles!

Well, I laughed so hard at that one, I peed on myself!  Little did I know, the airwaves are littered with prescription commercials and at the end (it must be a damn law or something) they list all the side effects of the medication!  Child, I laughed and grabbed my lap top, thus inspiring this week's top 10 list:

Top 10 Prescription Side Effects

10.  I saw a Celebrex commercial that told me it would stop my menstrual cramps!  It's supposed to be good for acute pain--but it causes bloody stool.  So you mean to tell me I'll be bleeding out of both ends? Always ain't got a pad that can handle all that!

9.  Man, I was taking Lunestra, cause I wasn't sleeping too good.  Lunestra is supposed to be a good sleeping aid--but it causes delusional behavior and makes you dizzy.  Hell, you ain't posed to drive or operate machinery after taking it--and you ain't posed to take it unless you can devote 8 hours of sleep once you pop it in your mouth.  What stay at home momma can get 8 minutes of continuous sleep--let alone 8 hours?  Andrew needed a diaper change when I was on that $hit, I wound up putting the pamper on his head instead of his a$$!

8.  Y'all ever heard of a medication called Cytotec?  It's supposed to prevent stomach ulcers.  However, once you get rid of your stomach ulcers, you have to deal with abdominal cramps and nausea.  Hell, I might as well get pregnant and deal with morning sickness...

7.  There was this one commercial that came on, 'bout 2:30 this morning for a drug called Addreall that causes SUDDEN DEATH!  Child paleeze!  Right there in the damn advertisement, they want you to take this drug for your ADHD, and in the same breath, the announcer warns that "cases of sudden death have occurred"... I'd rather be hyper active and still alive than laid out in a casket all calm and cozy!

6.  They got this $hit called Zithromax that treats bacterial infections... well, what they don't tell you is that it'll jack up your skin--causing face edema and a fungal infection.  So you'll walk around scratching and itching all day...

5.  And speaking of itching, if your skin ever does get a few bumps here and there, be sure you DON'T take Retin-A!  'Cause while it'll make your rash clear up, it causes difficulty breathing.  I'd rather have the damn pimples...

4.  I had an aunt who was taking that Estrogen patch, and she was already crazy as all get out--then when she started taking the patch it got worse.  Well, come to find out--the damn thing causes anxiety attacks.  First of all, she was crazy cause her Estrogen levels were off--she got the patch to make things better--and her crazy a$$ got worse.  So instead of thinking just her family was out to get her, now she thinks there is a government conspiracy against her because she's a black Republican and is voting for John McCain. 

3.  If you are feeling down and out, stay away from Wellbutrin. It's supposed to help treat symptoms for depression--but it causes a decreased sex drive.  So when you're happy and feeling better--you don't even want to celebrate by getting "a little bit".

2.  They have this prescription called Nasonex that is supposed to prevent runny noses--but it causes bone pain!  I done had a lot of stuff hurt me at one time or another--but I ain't never had my bones pain.  Pass me a damn Kleenex tissue and keep my bones from aching!

1.   My daddy always told my brothers, "Don't lose your head over a piece of ass!" Somebody should have told that to the makers of Viagra--cause taking that stuff--just to get you a "piece" will cause blindness.  So you'll be "ready" to get you some, but you won't be able to find it--cause you can't see a lick!  That's just the funniest side effect--you can also have a heart attack, which will probably happen to the 80-something year old dude who ain't got no business trying to have sex with a 20 year old girl anyway.