I’ve been catchin’ hell around the house for letting my roles as Father, Husband, Breadwinner, Landscaper, and part-time Cook interfere with my bloggin’. It has been “a month of Sunday’s (literally), since my latest installment of “Shawn’s Sunday Thought.” Not that there hasn’t been anything to think about….. It’s just the wear and tear of things that caused me to not write down my thoughts.

So here is my most recent thought. While watching news one evening, an advertisement aired about a drug that treats two health conditions. The commercial starts out with a guy walking in the woods and talking about his ailments which happen to be (High Cholesterol, and High Blood Pressure) when his body splits into two whole people. This old dude is as happy as a clam as he continues his walk describing how he takes one pill a day, which treats both conditions. His two bodies merge again into one person and he holds hands with his woman before walking off into the sunset. Happily ever after no doubt!

For some reason I couldn’t shake the notion of the “two for”. That’s a hell of a drug that can take on two conditions like High Cholesterol and High Blood Pressure. But I couldn’t help but think that the makers of this drug left too many other possibilities on the table, so I’m putting together a list of conditions that pharmaceutical and manufacturing companies should seek to develop. I will be taking a leadership role in development and securing product patents and fully expect to get extremely wealthy behind the strength of these products.

1. The makers of Viagra, Cialis, and other Erectile Dysfunction medicines should combine forces with the makers of headache and pain relief. This drug, (as yet to be named) would be for the benefit of men who need help “getting it up” and simultaneous relief from the migraine encountered immediately after sex when she starts talking about “where the relationship is going.”

2. Coming in 2009, a combination product to treat the negative side effects of flatulence. I’ve contacted the makers of Air Wick to commission a scented suppository marketed by the Preparation H people under the new brand name “Fresh Ass”. It will come in Women’s, Children’s, and Men’s fragrances. Women’s fragrances will feature floral scents, children’s fragrances will be sweet candy related, and Men’s fragrances will smell like meal time at Thanksgiving. As for the auditory sounds produced with flatulence, we are working on a soothing sounds muscle tension release valve that will prevent forceful expulsion of these anal gases through the sphincter. The end result will be a whisper quiet “Sssssst” inaudible to most humans.  

3. For the schizophrenic person who hears voices and suffers from seasonal allergies. The makers of Benadryl and Clozapine have joined forces so that during the relief of stuffy head, the voices are “blown” out with all of the snot, boogers, and mucous. For extra extended relief, the product comes in a convenient nasal spray brought to you by “NeoSynephrin – It’s Better Than a Mitten.”

4. Some of us aren’t as young as we think we are and we believe we can continue eating spicy foods with ingredients that are best digested with the metabolism of a 20 year old. Unfortunately it takes the development of Stomach Ulcers for us “old folks” to learn our lesson. If you really have it bad, you’re suffering from Gastro Esophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) and may need surgical intervention. I believe there is another treatment option available and am working on a product that would combine the soothing relief of an Antacid (Tums, Rolaids, Mylanta, Milk of Magnesia) with the reverse properties of Immodium A-D (Anti-Diarrheal). Immodium A-D is designed to stop diarrhea, but in this case, we want to do the opposite and encourage that spicy shit we just ate to move on through the system as fast as possible. So, we can continue to eat things not recommended, just take two “Sh*t Starter” tablets before every meal. You won’t have time to finish your meal before planting your butt on a bowl somewhere. “Sh*T Starter” will also be available in a slow acting or time release caplet that will buy you some time to make it to the comfort of your own bowl.

I realize that these ideas are kinda “out there”, but all I need is one idea and I’m retiring.

See y’all next week.