My momma's momma just turned 70 years old, but she thinks that she's a spring chicken.  Either her doctor is giving her too much medication or not enough pills. Cause girlfriend is trippin'!

I went to Houston just recently so I got a chance to spend time with my family and friends. And before I went over to my grandmother's house, my cousin MeMe gave me a stern warning "Girl, grandmother is trippin!"

I was like "Child, what are you talking about? She's been tripping since we were little girls, she's gonna go to the grave trippin'!"

"But not like she's doing," MeMe informed me, "either she is taking too much medication or her dose is off."

I laughed it off and headed northbound on I-59 to Humble to see my momma's momma!  When I got there, my cell phone was buzzing. It was MeMe, "Girl, I almost forgot to tell you," she was out of breath, "Grandmother got a weave."

"Get the hell out of here," I laughed her off, "A weave? How she gonna get a weave at 70 years old?"

"Well, she got one.  And it ain't even no gray in it and to make things worse, it's black!"

Now my grandma is a thick, light skinned lady, hazel eyes with freckles on her face. She's had blond hair since she was born and it's always been that way.  She's one of those light skinned black people who can "pass" if you ain't looking at 'em closely enough--like old school Thurgood Marshall type light skinned!  I ain't never seen her with black hair. 

I go in the house and Uncle Kathy, who lives there and takes care of her--is hanging out on the computer. And my grandmother is sitting there with a head full of curly fries.  She's got that spiral curly weave that all the project girls got--and it's black like midnight black.  I don't know if I wanna laugh or cry!  I walked over to her and gave her a hug.  Andrew looked at her hair and said "Finger, finger..." my baby thought she had a head full of curly fingers!

She is trying to recapture her youth--and I don't quite blame her.  Cause she's getting up in age--and all her friends are either dying or going to the old folks home (AKA "The point of no return")... so I'm guessing she figures the black curly hair will turn back her aging process. 

I should have seen this coming though. A couple of years ago, me and my best friend Marty from Louisiana were hanging out at my grandmother's house and she was sitting in her room working a puzzle book and watching The Price is Right (there are only two white men black women love: Bob Barker and Victor Newman).  So I walk over to my grandmother and give her a big hug and kiss. She tells me all the crap she needs from the store so I make a list of my shopping items.  Marty is standing there--being white--looking all confused!

My grandmother told him "Baby, come over here and give me a kiss."

So Marty waved her off like "Oh hell no. I ain't kissing you!"

And I was all put off, I told Marty "You get over there and kiss my grandmother!  Right now!"

So he tip toes over to her recliner which is next to her scooter which is on the other side of her walker behind her cane--and he leaned down to give her a smack on her cheek.  My grandmother--who claims to have "back problems" reaches up, grabs Marty's face (he's gonna kill me for telling this story), overpowers him--pulls him down--and plants him a kiss on his lips.  But not just any kiss, my grandmother tries to wiggle her "old lady" tongue in Marty's mouth.  I sat there--in amazement--as my best friend tried to pull out of her grip--but he couldn't!  She was too strong--she kept pulling and kept tonguing or trying to tongue my friend!

Finally, somehow, by the grace of God and with the "jaws of life" Marty was able to escape her clutches.  He wiped his mouth off with his sleeve and looked like he wanted to spit!  He yelled, "You know you put your tongue in my mouth!"

My grandmother started batting her eyes at him and smiling real hard like she was flirting.  It reminded me of that cartoon where Bugs Bunny was flirting with that "momma bear" and when he tried to get away from her--she was stalking him like crazy.  I laughed so hard, I think I peed on myself. It was way too damn funny!