I love my family but sometimes they have these big a$$ ideas and grand plans without thinking things through all the way before they act on them.

Case in point, the other day, my aunt Mary Joe called and said she was going to open her own restaurant.  She'd been scouting buildings looking for someplace to house "Mary Joe's Chicken & Waffles"!  That's great that she wants to be her own boss and has been bitten by the entrepreneurial bug.  But I got a hint that my wonderfully talented Aunt needed to do a little more research before starting this project when she asked me "How much should I ask the bank for when I go to get my loan?  I was thinking $50,000 but I might just ask for $100,000."  Now mind you, my Aunt's phone has been in my name since I was 12 years old. (I didn't find out until I tried to get a student loan for college.)  My aunt ain't never even worked in a kitchen before--she can cook now--makes a mean cobbler--but knows nothing about the restaurant industry.

I wanted to encourage her, but I didn't know where to start. I was like "Well, Aunt Mary Joe, perhaps you should shadow someone who owns their own eatery and work there with them for a few months--so you could see how the business actually operates."

"Yeah, you right." Aunt Mary Joe agreed, "Then should I ask for 50 or 100--thousand dollars from the bank?"

So anyway--I'm at home the other day and my Aunt Judith calls me. Now I'm terrified to death--cause Aunt Judith never calls.  I answer the phone--thinking my momma must be dead if Judith is calling "Oh hello Nanny Judy, what's up?"

"Hey, I need a favor," she tells me, "from you.  I want to do a Red and White Ball for Christmas for our family next year."

"Oh you don't have to ask me to come, I'll be there with bells on." I told her.

"No," she informed me, "you're going to organize it."

"How can I organize a gala for the family in Houston when I live in Minnesota?"

"You can find a way. I need you to make this happen. And I need for people to pay their money now so we can hold the room."

That's when she lost me!  You want people in OUR blue-collar-working-living-pay-check-to-pay-check-pay-day-loan-getting-bad-credit-having-family to invest money in a Christmas gala that ain't happening for an entire year when they are struggling to buy gifts in 2007 RIGHT NOW for their kids?

I didn't say that, but I thought it.  I ain't want Aunt Judith to slap me through the phone. She's mean as a two headed cobra snake with extra teeth in his mouth.  You don't sass her, no matter how "grown" you think you are.

So I tried to be diplomatic and put it this way: "Well, Auntie, I think that people might have a hard time donating $100 to an event that's happening next year when they're struggling to get Christmas together THIS year."

"Well, if they wanna make it happen," she quipped, "they need to pay up."

"This is your vision," I said cautiously, "and it's something you want. Nobody else even knows about it. So YOU might have to pay the deposit and be reimbursed on the back end.  Or find a location that doesn't require such a large deposit."

"That's a good idea," she agreed, "you call around to some hotels in town and find something we can afford and update me in a few days.  Don't make me have to look for you and make sure you stay on top of it."

Then the heffa hung up the phone!  I was shocked. She left me with my mouth open. Surely, she ain't expect me to sit up and call hotels in Houston long distance from Minnesota trying to find a hall for a ball that's more than a year away.

But true to form, she called back in a couple of days--and she's still calling. I ain't answering that phone.  I'm treating her like Woodwinds Hospital--the place where I delivered Andrew and ain't paid for it yet--she gets the Mexican lady with the accent: "No, me sorry, no Sheeelita live here."

But finally, today, I picked up the phone. To my dismay, she spent the first four hours fussing that I hadn't "done my job" (which I thought was to be a stay at home mom and in between pampers and feedings--try to come up with blogs that are funny enough to keep y'all coming back day after day)!  But my Aunt informed me that my job was to have a hall booked without a deposit being required.

Then I asked her, "Why are we calling this a Red And White Ball?  All these big a$$ women we got in our family don't need to be in either red or white.  And besides, white is a summer color. We need to be wrapping our fat a$$es in some black or royal purple or chocolate or something. White is last thing somebody needs to see on these hips.  And I y'all--y'all will think y'all are foxy and put on red crushed velvet cat suits with a belt around the stomach with Christmas ornaments hanging from it--and the smallest one of you is in a size 22!"

So she agreed and it's now the black and gold ball.  But still, I've got work to do. I have 14 hotels to call in Houston to find a venue that will host the annual family get together that we're starting in 2008.  I can see me talking to the hotel now, "Yes, half the family is on probation so it can't be outside the city limits otherwise their ankle bracelets will go off, no, we can't give you no credit card to hold the room, cause all of us have bad credit and all we got is those pre-paid joints."