Get rich quick schemes, pyramid schemes, and real estate scams that promise instant results are what it's all about!  Folks are looking for money, and fast, to feed their families in these tight economic times.  I can't tell y'all how many times my black ass done circled my local Wells Fargo bank, trying to figure out when the security guard goes on his smoke break so that I can dart in with a friendly note to the teller asking for a speedy withdrawal!

Same holds true for my new weight loss philosophy.  I know I need to do something.  I went from a "small" petite to a regular fat ass chick in less than a year.  My husband was none too happy when I announced that I had to start back wearing my maternity underwear because the regular ones were too tight.

The other day, when I woke up from a nap, he asked "Honey, are those stretch marks on your legs? And cottage cheese on your thighs?"

"No," I waved him off, "I think it's the way the sheets were wrapped around me.  Those are sheet prints.  Because I can't possibly have cottage cheese or stretch marks."

I started rubbing my legs so fast--it looked like I was trying to start a camp fire--hoping that the marks and bullet wounds would go away.  But it didn't--it wasn't the sheets--I knew it wasn't the sheets.  Hell, I saw the bullet wounds in my butt months ago. I just thought somebody did a drive by and I got hit, but the fat consumed the impact and stopped the bullet from penetrating, thus no blood!  But it wasn't a bullet, it was that fried chicken, those fried pork chops, that fried EVERYTHING.  And the daily Twix candy bars and ice cream at night don't help.

I promised myself I'd start working out, but hell, I'm too tired!  And it ain't enough time in the day.  Then, I said I was gonna start eating right, you know, more healthy salads and fruits. But hell, a bag of grapes cost $5, a bag of chicken wings only cost $3: YOU MAKE THE CALL!

I can't afford those expensive diet pills--plus that I don't want the side effects of the acne, runny discharge and loose stool!  Uncontrollable gas ain't flattering either (damned side effects)!

So I was reading People Magazine the other day and came across an article that spoke to the heart of my problem.  This big fat girl was getting ready to be married and she wanted to lose weight quickly.  She got the gastric bypass surgery.  Girlfriend lost two dress sizes in two weeks and by the time her wedding takes place, she will have lost a third grader and a side of beef off her ass!

I was like "Yeah boy, gastric bypass! That's for me!"

My husband laughed so hard, he nearly peed on himself.  He informed me, "If your fat ass can't stop eating, gastric bypass ain't gonna work for you.  Cause after you have the surgery, you have to go into a weight management program and you can hardly eat any food at all.  Just little tea-spoons portions of skinless chicken."

"And where do my daily Twix bar and side helping of ice cream come in to play?" I wanted to know.

"It doesn't," he told me, "you can't do any of that."

He then showed me the diet requirements for folks who've had the gastric bypass surgery, and all the food you CAN'T EAT!  I looked at him and said "Well hell, Shawn, if I could eat like this before the surgery, I would loose the weight and wouldn't need the damn operation."

"EXACTLY!" he yelled out.

Nobody likes a know-it-all!!!!!

Snoop Dogg himself wasn't busted. But two people on the rapper's tour bus did get popped for pot. Authorities in Texas say the tour bus carrying the rap star was pulled over and two people were arrested on pot possession charges. The bust took place just a few hours before Snoop was to do a concert in Dallas.  An official with the Texas Department of Public Safety says a commercial vehicle inspection team pulled the bus over because the vehicle had an expired registration sticker. The official says troopers searched the bus after they smelled marijuana -- and their search turned up two ounces of the drug. Ethan Calhoun and Kevin Barkey were arrested on drug charges after admitting that the drugs belonged to him. Both were jailed and released after posting bond. They face fines up to $2,000 and six months in jail if convicted.

It may turn out to be a key bit of evidence in the O.J. Simpson armed robbery and kidnapping case. And the judge handling the matter says he wants to hear a tape that may help sway the case in the former football star's favor. Clark County District Court Judge Jackie Glass says he wants to hear a tape from a man claims to have an audio recording that contradicts testimony a witness gave in a preliminary hearing in the case. Michael McClinton testified that Simpson told him to bring guns to a confrontation with two sports memorabilia dealers at a Las Vegas casino hotel last fall. A lawyer says the tape in question contradicts at least some of McClinton's testimony, but the lawyer isn't saying what parts may be called into question. Simpson is accused of organizing an armed posse to collect memorabilia from the two dealers. Simpson claims no guns were displayed and that he never asked anyone to bring guns to the room -- and that the items recovered belonged to him in the first place.

A kinder, gentler Bill Cosby? Maybe, if his comments at a town meeting in Baltimore are any indication. The comedian and actor urged people in Baltimore to empower themselves and nurture their children. But during his comments yesterday, he dialed back the scolding tone that has drawn criticism from some black leaders. In the past, Cosby has scolded members of the black community for not doing enough to help their children become productive members of society. But his comments yesterday were mostly positive and he didn't chastise parents. He even chose the Sly and the Family Stone song "You Can Make It If You Try" to punctuate his less confrontational message.

I was talking to my best friend Creepa who lives in Louisiana.  He was too disgusted with his wife Karen the other day and had to call me to vent.  The two wed about five years ago and are now the proud parents of two daughters.  I hadn't spoken with Creepa in a while, so I thought and just assumed everything between them was alright. Not that they are getting a divorce or anything, but Creepa is just absolutely pissed at Karen for not telling him her credit was bad when they got married.

I chuckled when he told me about it, "You need to talk to my husband," I warned him, "I might not be the person you need to speak with on this issue. In fact, you and Shawn are going through a similar situation."

"That's some bullshit Sheletta!" Creepa yelled in the phone (he was so loud, Andrew heard him and wound up saying bullshit all day long), "You should have told that man you needed a co-signer on cash.  You can't get a damn loaf of bread on credit and everybody knows it.  You still owe Uncle Sam?"

"Yep!" I responded, "I told Shawn we might as well start filing jointly, and don't expect a refund until 2020.  And I ain't talking about the ABC television news show either."

"Ooh I know he was pissed off," Creepa warned, "but that's alright, at least I feel like I'm not in it by myself. You pretty ass women. I knew I should have gotten me an ugly girl.  Ugly women work hard, got good jobs and good credit.  But no, I was blown away by beauty.  Now I'm stuck with a wife who can't get in-store credit at 7/11!"

Creepa says he didn't find out how bad his wife's credit was until he instructed her to go to Best Buy and get him a new lap top computer.  He works three jobs--and hadn't been able to go to the store to get it himself.  Well, days went by, no lap top.  Then weeks went by--no lap top.  Then at the end of the money, he finally asked his wife where the damn lap top was!  She told him she'd get it for him the next day. Well, she got it alright, girlfriend cut out a photo of it and laid it on his desk with a note that just read "I can't get approved for in-store credit."

My poor friend says he pulled his wife's credit score and it's in the single digits!  She asked him if he could help her fix it to which he replied, "Hell no!  I can't help you fix this shit.  It took you 20 years to get it this bad!  The only way out of this is to either fake your own death or come up with a new identity."

At that point Shawn walked in on our conversation and figured out what was going on.  He yanked the phone from my hand and told Creepa "Man, we need some type of protection. Like a "Lemon Law" for men who marry women who look good on the outside, I mean, the body is fine, been waxed up, new paint job and tires have been properly rotated.  But after careful inspection, you check under the hood, you find out the engine is shot, the transmission needs work and the oil ain't been changed in years!"

I don't know what the hell Creepa told him, but Shawn busted out laughing.  He looked at me and rolled his eyes when he responded, "Yeah man, I think I'm gonna write my congressman and tell him to pass a bill. To hell with the cars and the Lemon Laws. You can get another car, hell, I'll swallow a $7,000 loss when I buy a hooptie.  I don't need the government to protect me from shady car dealers.  But damn it, when I marry a hooptie, then I'm in trouble.  They need to legislate that.  Put a "money back guarantee" on it.  Say you marry your wife, find out her credit is bad and she ain't never paid her bills on time and everybody in her family is renting, including her grandmother--you got 30 days to get out of it--no questions asked."

Shawn was silent then started laughing so hard he was crying. I mean, the boy was literally doubled over in front!  That's when I had just bout all I was gonna take. Everybody in the damn room was laughing except me.  Hell, even Andrew was laughing and pointing at me saying "Lemon", "Mommy, Lemon"! I demanded to know what the hell was so funny at this point. Shawn handed me the phone and Creepa told me, "Man, he is in the same boat I'm in--he's just paddling on the opposite side.  Neither you nor Karen are as sexy as y'all used to be. Coming to bed in rollers, feet crusty, stank breath.  Back when you were on the lot, you were shining like brand new money, now that we done bought you, signed the papers and got you home, we realize all the doors don't match, the windows won't go up all the way in the back and ain't even no damned warranty!  We drove you off the lot 'As Is'."

This blog entry was written last year, on the day of the I-35 Bridge collapse:

Life is so precious y'all. When I leave this television station I'm going to go home and hug my baby boy and make passionate love to my husband.

I've never had anything like this to happen to me--so close to my home--right in my back  yard.

Shawn and I were sitting in the living room--I could tell he was stressed out from work and being married to me is enough to drive any man crazy--so he was really on edge.  I told him "Baby, we've had dinner--go on down to your office in the basement--take a beer--get you I-pod--kick back and just take your mind off the world.  Shoots, pull up some porn if you have to."

I was rocking Andrew to sleep--he had a trying day as well--we're going from baby food to solids and then we're trying to make sure he goes back into his bed--cause we've been on vacation damn near the whole month of July--so he's been sleeping in the bed with us--and we're having the hardest time getting him to sleep in his own bed--so he ain't slept much--which means we ain't slept much either!

So Shawn is operating off about 30 minutes of sleep--I'm worn out--Andrew is sleeping and hungry--and all we got is Brisco, Green and Fontana on Law and Order to keep us entertained.  We don't do much television at my crib--but we were so tired--we let the lul of the courtroom drama rock us to sleep.

When Shawn headed down to the basement to escape life--Andrew and I just sat in the family room--everybody chillin'--the house quiet--mentally--we were preparing for bed.

THEN....

Shawn came running up the stairs and said "Put it on CNN--the bridge collapsed."

When I turned the channel to CNN--my mouth flew open in horror.  I-35--a major interstate in Saint Paul--less than a mile from our home--had collapsed over the Mississippi River. 

We travel that route all the time--going to the Mall of America for shopping (back when we had money).  We were just on I-35 Monday afternoon 'round 4 p.m.--we went to Raising Cane's--our favorite hot-wing spot for dinner.

The devastation--the turmoil--the horror.  People were strapped in their cars--submerged under water.  A school bus teetering in the river--half on the freeway--half in the Mississippi... cars crushed--slabs of concrete floating on the water.  Blood--chaos--mayhem!  Right in my back yard.  My heart fell.

My husband--as tired as he was sacrificed his sleep and er'rething--he went and got my shoes and a bottle of water and said "Baby--go to work--they need you at the television station."

I hauled ass y'all.  I got here and it was worse than I thought.  60 people injured--7 folks dead and the toll keeps climbing... chil'len and old folks--teenagers--people just trying to drive home form work--DEAD!  Freeway collapsed!  How could htis happen?  I mean--hell, it's concrete--slabs--slabs of cement just on the ground--rubble.

People running around frantically trying to find missing loved ones--disaster at the highest level--lives lost--people hurt--injuries--blood--just--I can't even describe.

On the way to work--I thought about how thankful I was--how thankful I am now--sitting here typing this--that my husband made it home from work an hour before it all happened!

All I could say was "Thank you Lawd!  For being so good to us--for sparing my husband--for your protection--your hedge of protection."

Before my husband leaves out to go to work every day--I always pray with him and for him--we do it as a family.  I kiss his face and tell him I love him--sometimes it gets redundant--and he tries to run out on me with an old "Baby I gotta go--I'll pray on my way to work." 

But I don't care if he's late for a meeting or he misses a conference call completely--he ain't leaving out of that house without being covered with the blood of Jesus--it's that blood that takes him to work safely and brings him back home.  It's that blood that covers him from disaster--and saves him from being hurt or harmed in any way.

That could have been him y'all--that could have been me and Andrew going to run errands--I'm thankful that my family is still in tact...

But I'm prayerful and sad for the folks who have lost loved ones.  Even sadder--the folks who are "missing" people in their families--I'm at the television station right now--and people can't find their sister--or their brother is missing and they ain't heard from 'em--they got a hot-line set up to try and identify folks--it's just sad.

I'm taking calls at the newsroom desk--and mothers are calling from out of town--trying to see if their daughters are safe--

My father called frantically trying to locate me--and Shawn--to make sure we were alright.

It's just amazing--how in one instance--without having done anything to cause it--your life--your loved ones live can be taken away.  A bridge collapse... rubble--people submerged in the water...

We need to find the jokers who constructed this damn bridge.  I'm sure it's the same guy who built the levees in the 9th ward in New Orleans!

So much for Ludacris having a shot to become Barack Obama's running mate. The rapper's latest attempt to boost Obama's candidacy has been ripped by the campaign itself. The rapper's verse is being described as "outrageously offensive" to Obama's former rival Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton and his current rival for the White House, Senator John McCain. The song, "Politics As Usual," claims Obama's becoming president is destiny. It uses the b-word to describe Clinton and says that McCain doesn't belong in "any chair unless he's paralyzed." The song also goes after the current occupant of the White House, saying George Bush is "mentally handicapped." The statement from Obama's campaign says while Ludacris "is a talented individual," the rapper "should be ashamed of these lyrics."

It's a legal battle between the "king of bling" and Wyclef Jean. The company founded by "Jacob the Jeweler" is going after the former Fugees star in court, claiming the hip-hop star owes him money for watches and jewelry he bought.  Jacob and Company Incorporated claims Jean got a bunch of bling for $765,100 -- and that he still owes a little less than half on the purchase. The suit says there have been "repeated demands for payment," but to no avail. Reps for Wyclef didn't respond to e-mails requesting comment. The company's founder, Jacob Arabov, has had his share of legal issues lately. He was sentenced in June to 2½ years in federal prison for lying to investigators of a multistate drug ring. The jeweler's other customers have included Kanye West, Madonna and Elton John.

Halle Berry may be getting some backup in her battle against the paparazzi. Some Los Angeles are leaders are trying to come up with tougher rules to keep at bay those who have the job of snapping photos of the stars. Officials from jurisdictions like Beverly Hills, West Hollywood, Malibu and Calabasas are meeting today to discuss ways to fight back against the paparazzi. Among the ideas being floated about are to create a "safety zone" around celebrities or requiring paparazzi to carry credentials and laying down rules for their behavior. Last  week, Berry said she's seeking criminal charges against photographers who came up with photos of her and her four-month-old daughter. She claims the paparazzi trespassed in her backyard to get the shots.

It's unclear what her defense will be. But a former dormitory matron at Oprah Winfrey's school for poor South African girls has pleaded innocent to charges that she indecently assaulted and otherwise abused six teenagers and a fellow matron at the academy. The ex-matron looked nervous and sullen at the start of her trial, which is being held in Sebokeng, South Africa. The judge hearing the matter did grant a prosecution request for the rest of the proceedings, expected to last all week, to be closed to the public. She also will let the teenagers testify through closed-circuit TV to save them the trauma of confronting their alleged attacker in court. A prosecutor describes the girls as being "very scared and very, very emotional." If found guilty of indecent acts, the former matron faces a minimum sentence of 10 years in jail.

Black Eyed Peas are cooking -- cooking up a new album, that is. Fergie says she and the fellas are in the studio working on a new album, which will be their first project since they dropped "Monkey Business" in 2005. Fergie says the group wants to avoid copying "what's out there on the radio" now, but come up with something fresh. She thinks they want to be "artistic and pushing the envelope" on this project. She made the comments in Las Vegas, where she was promoting two new lines of shoes at a trade show. She is also working on a new movie, which will begin filming in the fall.

The head of the Congressional Black Caucus is calling it "a milestone in our nation's efforts to remedy the ills of our past." The House of Representatives has issued an apology to black Americans for the wrongs committed against them and their ancestors. The apology covers both slavery and the Jim Crow segregation laws that persisted in many areas until the 1950's and 60's. The resolution, passed by voice vote, was the work of Tennessee Democrat Steve Cohen, the only white lawmaker to represent a majority black district. Cohen faces a formidable black challenger in a primary face-off next week. Congress has issued apologies before. There was one for Japanese-Americans for their internment during World War II and one for native Hawaiians for the overthrow of the Hawaiian kingdom in 1893. In 2005, the Senate apologized for failing to pass anti-lynching laws. Five states have issued apologies for slavery, but past proposals in Congress have stalled, partly over concerns that an apology would lead to demands for reparations. The Cohen resolution doesn't mention reparations.

with the little Chinese girl Sarah, in our play group.  Girlfriend is doing fractions and she ain't but 2 damn years old.  She was potty trained at 7 months old and started reading when she was 1!  Andrew is light years behind her and so I'm doing my best to catch up.

We will see Sarah and her mom again in the fall, so I wanted to make sure my baby had some new "tricks" up  his sleeve for our first day of class.

We've been working on "world leaders"... I went to the Office Depot and laminated photos of John McCain, George W. Bush, Condaleeza Rice, Barack Obama and others... all the important people he'll need to know, like Marion Berry, James Brown, Rick James, Michael McDonald from the Doobey Brothers--all the famous leaders that have changed the course of history!

So anyway, I got the photos pinned up all over the house and we go to them and point and I ask him "Andrew who is that?" and he tells me "That's George W. Bush!" and I ask him, "So who is George W. Bush?" and he tells me, "He's an asshole.  He's is president now."  Then I point to Obama and McCain's photos and ask "Who is running for president?" and Andrew tells me "Arack Obama and John Cain."  (close enough)

I'm thinking to myself, "Yeah baby, that little Sarah doesn't stand a chance when Andrew gets finished teaching her social studies, she's gonna regret the day she challenged my baby to a game of puzzles."

But I got greedy, I should have stopped there and worked to make sure he understood how to say Barack's name properly and put the "Mc" on McCain.  I put up Condaleeza Rice's photo and said "Andrew, that's Condaleeza Rice, the Secretary of State."  My two year old looked up at me as if to say "Now momma, you know that's too many damned syllables."  Since Andrew likes to sing, I figured we'd turn Secretary Rice's name into a song! And that was perfect--I pointed to the picture and sang "Con-da-leeezaaa Riceeeeeeeeeeee" with a squeal on the end.  He ate it up--he walked around all afternoon singing "Con-da-leeezaaa Riceeeeeee".   He was so excited about his new song that he pointed to George W. Bush and yelled "Con-da-leeezaaa Riceeeeeee".  He knew it was wrong and we both busted out laughing!!

Later that day, I was cooking dinner, some smothered pork chops and stewed okra in tomato sauce.  Andrew loves gravy--you can put gravy  on pancakes and he'll eat it.  The boy loves good southern cooking--and he ain't but two years old. He's got exacting standards when it comes to his taste buds. And don't give him no jar gravy--cause he'll give it back to you--in the form of throwing that $hit across the floor until you cook him some home made gravy on the stove.

So I fix everybody's plate and we sit down to eat, we hold hands and bless the food. Now, I hadn't shown Shawn Andrew's new trick and all the famous people he's learned to identify.  I wait until we're all chowing down on those smothered pork chops and I whisper to Shawn "Ask Andrew who the president is."  And he does, and my baby responds correctly.  Then I yell out "Hey, Andrew, who is the Secretary of State?"  I pushed my baby too far--he was eating smothered pork chops mixed with rice and trying to remember his world leaders and it all got tangled up when he responded, "Secretary of State is Rice and Gravy."

Yes, I do want a pat on the back for doing my damned job.  I know, I know, that's niggerish.  See, I'm required to do one web post a week on Tuesday's with my advice column. Somehow, before I got into a relationship, this was easy to do.  Now, with a lady love and a demanding work schedule, Uncle Kathy is busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.  I love you guys, Uncle Kathy really has grown fond of everyone who reads the website and sends me notes on a regular basis, but you all are going to have to be patient with me as Stella gets her groove back. I'm almost there! My deadline is 2 p.m. every day, so this week, and last week, I was a little tardy.  But I'm here.

OK, on to the job at hand. Uncle Kathy received notes from a few folks this week that needed my help.  Some of them I responded to personally, but this one I felt like I had to share with everyone. Especially since it's something I'm dealing with IN-LAWS. 

Dear Uncle Kathy,

My wife and I have been married for seven years now, and no matter what I do, it's never good enough because it doesn't measure up to her father.  She is a "daddy's girl" and whatever her father says is BOND.  Her father and I have a good relationship and he is a really good grandfather to our three children (we have two girls and one boy), but I constantly feel like I'm standing in his shadows.  When I do something, like make a large purchase, she second guesses me and goes behind my back and calls her father. I only know this because when her father and I talk, he mentions it to me.  For instance, I got a new mini-van for my family, since the girls are enrolled in dance and our son is playing soccer.  She talked to her father about it and he suggested (through my wife) that I should have gotten a Honda Odyssey instead of the Chrysler Town & Country.  How do I politely put my father in law in his place and not cause a riff between us? 

Signed,
J.R.B of Dallas, Texas

The last time I heard of someone named JR from Dallas, I was watching an ABC television series.  And those damn "Ewings" had more family drama than I care to remember.  Before you think about putting your father in law in check, you need to have a serious conversation with your wife.  She is perpetuating her father's control over her life and allowing it to extend to your life and thus, the decisions you are making for your family.

Now, give the man credit, most women don't have a father to get loving advice from. And I'm sure the man doesn't mean any harm. He just wants the best for his daughter and his grandchildren.  And actually, for you as well.

JRB, when you took your wife's hand in marriage, and promised to love, honor and cherish her, you also took on the role as leader.  You know that, the pastor knows that, but does your wife know it? It's her job to cut the controlling ties that her father has on her life.  If she continues to let him pull the strings and second guess you, you are going to always be looking over your shoulder.  And you can't look ahead if you're always looking behind you.

Hell, if your father in law wants you to have a Honda, you tell him to put up the money for it.  But as long as you're paying the bills in that house and working every day to take care of his daughter and his grandchildren, then you're going to make the decisions at your address...

OK, let Uncle Kathy calm down.  Relax, relate, release!!!  (I'm dealing with this right now, my girlfriend's mother tried to find me a job because she doesn't think I make enough money working for myself.) 

Back to my original point:  This ain't even between you and him, it's between you and your wife.  You need to put her in check so that she can stop telling her daddy your business. And she also needs to let her father know that his suggestions are not welcome if they undercut your authority as the man of your household.  And if she can't understand that, then you have a serious problem.

Because if you don't put your wife in check now, then later on, it'll be a friend of hers, or a co-worker or another family member that has "suggestions" about which car you ought to be driving.  And truth be told, you might want to make sure your wife ain't putting this on her daddy.  Perhaps this is something she really wants and she's saying that her "daddy" suggested it.  Especially if this is a pattern of behavior--Uncle Kathy ain't trying to say your wife is a liar--but I'm sure your father-in-law is man enough to tell you what he has to tell you face-to-face.  So before you get all huffy about him, make sure your wife ain't the one causing trouble to get what she wants.  That's just a suggestion.

Here's a little something to chew on -- literally. You know the Chris Brown song "Forever?" It is actually a commercial for Doublemint gum. Instead of a situation in which a popular song becomes an ad for a product, Wrigley is expected to announce today that the song was actually crafted as a commercial for the gum. The Wall Street Journal reports that Forever is an extended version of a new Doublemint jingle that was written by Brown. It will actually start airing as a commercial next month. Brown is one of three singing stars who were signed to freshen up the image of three of Wrigley's best-known brands of chewing gum. Ne-Yo does a song that is an ad on the "kiss a little longer" slogan for Big Red gum while country star Julianne Hough did a song/ad for Juicy Fruit. An official with the label group that includes Brown's label, Jive, seems OK with the idea. He says while label suits were reluctant to do a song commissioned by a product maker, the song was so good, they decided to put aside their qualms.

Alicia Keys is getting glowing praise for a decision she made about an upcoming concert overseas. She's due to perform this week in Jakarta, Indonesia, a performance that was supposed to be sponsored in part by Philip Morris. But after getting pressure from anti-smoking advocates, she has decided to snuff out that connection. And that has put her in the good graces of the Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids. A statement from Matthew Myers of the group says Keys "has set a positive example that should be followed by musicians and entertainers worldwide."  Tobacco companies in this country can't sponsor such show because the artists are popular with children. But that isn't the case in developing nations. 

Lil Wayne. Chris Brown. Usher. Who would you like to see win this year's MTV Video Music Award for best male video? It's in your hands -- literally, since fans will be able to vote for the winners. The nominees are in and voting has begun for the various categories. Other acts up for awards include Mariah Carey, Rihanna, Jordin Sparks, Flo Rida and T.I. The winners will be announced during a ceremony that will air live on September 7th at 9pm. It will air live on the East Coast and be shown on tape delay on the West Coast.

Oh I gotta make y'all laugh. Last night I went to this really nice upscale spa in downtown Minneapolis. Shawn got me a gift certificate for my birthday and it had like $200 on the card. So when I called to make the appointment, I didn't ask how much things were; I never thought it would be more than $200!  

Honey, I went all out too; got a manicure, pedicure, bikini wax and eyebrow wax.

When I was done, I was feeling great, feeling smoove... I glided up to the register to pay for all my services and the little man behind the counter smiles and says:  "That'll be $75 in addition to your card!"

I'm like "WHAT? Somebody had better give me some gas money and a bag of groceries for that!"

It literally took all the money off the card PLUS an extra $75! Honeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, I had a bottle of polish that I picked up 'cause I figured I had a few extra dollars on my card.

I looked at him and shouted: "How much is this damn polish? Is this some $75 polish? Take this off!"

After I wrote a hot-check for the little funky $75, he looked me square in the eye and asks: "Would you like to apply a gratuity?"

At this point, he was taking his life in his own hands.  Any jury would have given me probation for killing him!  I politely told that joker "Hell nawl! Y'all got that extra $75! Gratue off that!"

And to top it off, I had to pay for parking. I'm going back to the Chinese men and women who don't speak English to get my hands and feet "did".  I know they don't sanitize and scrape all the husk off your feet until they draw blood. I know the floor looks like somebody been stomping around the shops with mud on their shoes... I know they use the same towels on customers all week long and only wash them on Friday nights, but shit, at least when I leave I have some change in my pocket!

OK, so I've been gone from home five days. I come back, and my husband's got a new wife and Andrew is calling her momma.  He's gotta have had a woman come in here to take care of him while I was gone. Cause after five days, they didn't miss a  beat.  Andrew's diaper rash was gone, he was clean and well fed.  Shawn looked good. The house was spotless and even the clothes were washed. I'd better hurry up and have another baby--cause my husband really doesn't need me for anything else.  If he could give birth--I'd be homeless!

But the trip to Chicago to attend the UNITY, Journalists of Color conference was well worth it. I made some wonderful contacts, attended informative workshops and I had an opportunity to see Barack Obama.  As part of an agreement with CNN, Barack came to Unity to field questions from journalists of color as part of their Sunday morning political program with Wolf Blitzer.   I woke up extra early and was one of the first people in line to see the Democratic nominee.  I wound up getting a seat on the front row.  The only person seated in front of me was Barack Obama, and he was facing the audience on stage!

Before Barack came out, there was a panel discussion about things we learned at the conference and the place of minority journalists especially during this unprecedented political campaign.  Questions were asked from the audience to the panel about whether or not blacks could fairly cover Barack Obama during his bid for the White House.  Let me just say that to question a journalists' integrity is the worst insult to the years of hard work and dedication that we put into our craft.  While reporting on John McCain, nobody ever questions whether a white journalist can cover him fairly and objectively!  So why is it that people assume we as black journalists can't be objective and fair?  That's racist.

One woman even mentioned to me, "Well, Barack is the new black leader and I know it would be difficult for you to say anything bad about him."

Wait, wait wait! Barack is the leader of the Democratic party, not the leader of black folks.  Is John McCain the leader of white people? Does he speak for all white people?  Hell no, and the same holds true for Barack Obama: he does not speak for all black folks!  He speaks on behalf of the Democratic Party!

So the panel discussion lasted for about an hour, it was extremely informative and I almost had it had to end because it was full of wisdom from people who had been in the business for decades--and they were able to share their stories with us. One journalist on the panel worked for Newsweek and he wanted to go to Africa to cover the stories going on in that country.  His editors did not want to send him over there to do it, because they felt he couldn't be fair and objective.  He ask them if they had ever sent someone of color there, a black person in particular, to cover the story in that country--someone who had been unbiased and lacking in sound news judgment. Of course, their answer was no.  They had no proof that this would take place or had ever taken place--it was just their assumption.  So this man, with 20+ years in the business, was denied access to covering a news story because they felt he could not be objective when covering people who looked like him.  But wait, white folks do it every day? Why is it different now?

Just as the panel discussion was ending and Obama was gearing up to take the stage, they allowed one more question from the audience.  This white lady asked, "Is it proper for journalists to clap when a politician enters the room?"  We all knew what she was trying to say and where she was going! TRANSLATION: "Will you journalists of color be standing up when Barack comes out?"

The gentleman from Newsweek emphatically said "No, journalists should not stand up when a president or a presidential candidate walks in the room.  But we do it.  I've been to countless White House dinners where they applaud George Bush when he comes in the room.  I've been to McCain events and when he enters, journalists stand to their feet, along with others in the crowd to applaud up on his arrival.  So why now is it an issue when black and brown journalists in a room gather together to applaud the presumptive Democratic nominee?  If Hillary Clinton walked in here, we'd do the same thing.  But because it's a black man and journalists of color, now it suddenly presents a problem.  Nobody poses this question at White House dinners or other events."

It was like foreshadowing I tell you.  That was the most prophetic thing said during that panel discussion.  So get this, Barack comes out about 15 minutes later--and we're all sitting there--and then we applaud, and a few folks stand up--he waves to the crowd--sits down and begins answering questions.

The program lasts about 40 minutes and then the folks at CNN in Chicago at the Unity Conference toss the broadcast back to the good folks in Washington, Wolf Blitzer in particular who say "Barack Obama speaking in Chicago, the crowd standing up applauding him as he takes the stage--let me remind you, these are journalists of color."

As if we don't know protocol. As if we're applauding Barack because we love him.  Those applause were out of respect--because of his position--and his accomplishments.  When George W. Bush came to the conference four years ago in Washington, DC, I was there.  When Bushed walked on the stage, the entire room stood up and clapped for him.  That was carried live on CNN as well--but nobody saw a problem with that.  We applauded because he is president, and it was out of respect for him and his office. Otherwise, if it were personal, we would have all booed his ass!

The first thing out of Wolf Blitzer's mouth was the remark about us clapping and standing up and applauding Barack's appearance.  A spin that makes it look as if black journalists can't be fair and objective when covering the black presidential candidate.  You would never have heard Blitzer say "George Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner, the journalists, all standing up applauding him, are white."

Halle Berry is snapping back at the photographer who snapped pictures of her and her brand-new baby. An attorney for the actress says a criminal complaint has been filed -- and that an investigation of the incident is under way. Pictures of the Oscar-winning actress and four-month-old Nahla Ariela Aubry showed up on the Internet and in a pair of celebrity magazines. In a statement, Berry challenges the claim that the photos were taken when she was "out and about in Los Angeles." Berry says the shooter trespassed on her private property and took the pictures of her and her baby in their backyard. A lawyer for the actress says there are witnesses who can prove that the photographers in the middle of what he calls a "very blatant and invasive trespass."  Berry gave birth to Nahla, her first child, in March. The baby's father, model Gabriel Aubry, wasn't seen in the photos.

The would-be publisher says it wants the money back. But lawyers for both Foxy Brown and Lil' Kim say the rap stars still want to do the books they were already paid for. Simon and Schuster says Foxy Brown was paid $75,000 in 2005 to do an autobiography and Lil' Kim banked a check for $40,000 in 2003 for a novel that was due the following year. Apparently tired of waiting, the publisher has sued both for a return of the advance money. An attorney for Foxy Brown says the rapper's ear surgery caused the delay in getting the book done and she is eager to finish up the project. As for Lil' Kim, her attorney didn't return a call from The Associated Press for comment. But the lawyer tells People.com Lil' Kim "still looks forward to resolving the dispute."

The trouble never seems to stop for Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. Investigators say he berated and attacked them as they tried to serve a subpoena to a friend. Investigators with the Wayne County prosecutors office says Kilpatrick began cursing them and shoved one of them. One investigator, a black woman, says Kilpatrick, who is black, tried to shame her for working with a white colleague. After hearing all of this, a judge ordered Kilpatrick to pay $7,500 in bond -- and also to undergo random drug testing. Kilpatrick and his former top aide Christine Beatty are charged with perjury, misconduct and obstruction of justice. The two denied in a civil trial last year that they had an affair. But the lie was put to those claims by a series of text messages in which they made reference to their affair.

One thing about my Uncle Kathy is she's always comfortable.  Whenever she gets dressed, whether she's going to a ball game or to the club--she is all about comfort.  And during her day-to-day routine, she's got on knee length shorts, usually plaid, a plain cotton t-shirt and some sandals.  Girl friend ain't nothing like her sister, my Aunt Danitha.  Child, Aunt Danitha will squeeze that stomach in for 8 hours so she can wear those Baby Phat jeans and be cute. And you'd better not tell her she ain't Kimora Lee, cause she'll cut your ass!  And she'll jam that size 9 foot into a size 8 shoe if it's cute and they don't have it in her size.  Cause Aunt Danitha is all about style, while her baby sister, Uncle Kathy, is all about comfort.

I took after Uncle Kathy, cause I'd much rather put on a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt than a dress or some too tight jeans that leave that "rim" around my stomach. And I'm walking around looking like somebody tried to cut me in half!

So, I knew that while I was in Chicago, I was gonna be doing a lot of walking and a boat load of sight seeing--so I told Shawn--"Before I go, I want to go shopping for some comfortable shorts."

Cause y'all know, between the summers of 2007 and 2008, I swallowed a 3rd grade boy, so I can't fit nothing from last year!  So we hit up the Albertville Outlet this past weekend in Minnesota in search of some comfortable clothing. We stepped into Jones New York and I asked the sales clerk, "Can you point me to your Uncle Kathy section?"

The white lady looked at me like "What the hell is she talking about?"  But she ain't say that, I saw it in her eyes.

Shawn tried to apologize for me, "I'm sorry ma'am. Where are your summer shorts?" he asked her.

Girlfriend pointed us to the back with a puzzled look on her face like "Who in the hell is Uncle Kathy?  And what does she make? Is she a designer for the Jacquelyn Smith collection?"

So anyway, we're back there, I find my Uncle Kathy shorts and my Uncle Kathy t-shirts and I'm all excited cause I get two pair cause they all on sale. It was like the "Uncle Kathy Clearance Center" or something. 

I get to Chicago and I can't wait to put on my new clothes (that's project kids for you--we love wearing our new stuff right away--sometimes, I just wear my $hit right up out of the store--cause that's how ghetto I really am).  I got my Uncle Kathy navy blue stripped shorts and my solid blue cotton tee and hit the town. I was walking down near Lakeshore--trying to see if Oprah was at home--but Steadman said she was gone to the store--she'd be back. I stopped and sat down--just to watch the people walk by when I felt somebody standing behind me.  So this gay gal approached me and was asking me all kinds of questions about the conference I'm here for and what television station I worked at. And I was cool with that--no big deal.  I walked off and went to McDonald's to get me some fries--and there were three gay ladies standing in line getting a bite to eat.  One of 'em came over to me and said "I love those pants."

That's when it hit me, I was wearing the official "Girl, I'm gay too Uncle Kathy" uniform.  I ain't have no make up on, no ear rings and my gay girl outfit. 

I laughed so hard, I thought I was gonna pee on myself.  I immediately picked up the phone and sent Shawn a text message that said "The lesbians are up on me cause I got on my Uncle Kathy gear. They recognize I'm a player and I'm available."

Shawn responded, "Don't look 'em in the eye, if they choose you, and they're bigger than me, I might have to let them have you."

A lot of people thought it was cute when Taco Bell came up with an ad that asks the rapper to change his name to 99 Cent. But Fiddy isn't laughing -- he's suing. He has filed suit against the Mexican-themed fast-food restaurant, claiming the chain is using his name without permission. In the federal lawsuit filed yesterday, Fiddy notes the restaurant features him in a print ad asking him to change his name to 79 Cent, 89 Cent or 99 Cent. The lawsuit claim the company sent a bogus letter requesting the name change to the news media, but not to the rapper himself. The suit is seeking $4 million in damages, which can buy a lot of stuff off the ol' value menu. For his part, Taco Bell says the chain made "a good faith" effort to the rapper to change his name or to rap his order at the restaurant in exchange for a $10,000 donation to the charity of Fiddy's choice.

He bombed when he tried doing it on the BET Awards recently. But comedian D.L. Hughley got a better response last night when he told some Barack Obama jokes on the "Tonight Show with Jay Leno." He said should Obama win the election in November, the idea of white guilt is "gonna be all over." He says white folks could then say: "we voted for the black guy, we're even now." He even took a poke at Jesse Jackson, for his comments about wanting to castrate Obama and for using the n-word in the process. Hughley noted that when "Seinfeld's" Michael Richards used the n-word repeatedly at a performance a couple of years ago, Jackson called for a boycott of the actor's work. Hughley says there would be a similar boycott of Jackson now, except no one can "find out where Jesse works."

 Last week, it was Whoopi Goldberg. Now it's Sherri Shepherd who is explaining herself on "The View." This time, Shepherd was defending herself over comments she made to a religious magazine about her past. She says she slept around a lot and -- in her words -- "had more abortions than I would like to count." But she ended up having to call her boss on The View, Barbara Walters, for saying to the magazine that she wished some other prominent Christian women could be on the show so they could "lay hands on Barbara Walters and get her saved." On yesterday's show, she said that was "a joke" that "didn't come off the way I wanted it to." She says Walters had "a great sense of humor" about it when she called her in Paris to apologize for any offense.  As for Walters' need for salvation, Shepherd says she told her she was "already in heaven" because she was in Paris.

OK, in Minneapolis, I don't do much walking.  I walk from the car to the door of Krispy Kreme to get me a 12 pack of donuts. Or from the house to the garage to get in the car to go to Krispy Kreme to get me a 12 pack of donuts.  I don't walk--it's too close to exercise, and that makes me break out in hives!  I don't care what the damn health experts say, exercise is not your friend. That stuff will kill you. 

But I'm in Chicago with no ride, so I'm having to walk every where I go. Once I dropped off my things at the hotel, I set out to do my story on Historically Black Travel!  It's great because I'm getting video and visiting all these places that are important to people of color--and have been for decades!  Little known landmarks that most folks don't know about--and I'm getting the opportunity to tell those stories!

So childdddddddd, my feet hurt. I done wore out one pair of tennis shoes and I'm working on a second!  It's horrible, my tennis shoes have NO rubber left on them.  I gotta go out and get a new pair.  All the walking I've done--my bunions have bunions. Up and down Michigan Avenue looking for Garrett's--the world famous Chicago popcorn spot!  Last time I was here, it was on Michigan Avenue. Wellllllllllllll, guess what? I walked two damn miles, and there is no Garrett's to be found!  I finally stopped to ask someone and they informed me that the damned place was closed down. The city is building a museum in the old location.  What the hell?  You throw away good carmel and cheese popcorn for culture?  That don't make no damn sense!

I was crushed!  I cried out like Florida Evans did on Good Times when she found out James was dead "Damn, Damn Damn!".  I cried out too because my damn feet were bleeding! I had walked about 3 city blocks, which in Chicago I found out is 17 miles looking for popcorn!

The funniest thing during all this was the fact that the pigeons in Chicago are taller than most grown ups.  These damn things are on every street corner, walking around like they own the place. They're catching the bus, asking for directions, smoking cigarettes, drawing pictures on the street for money, shopping on Michigan Avenue.  Pigeons are running this place!!!  I think somebody told me they got a pigeon on city council.

I have never seen so many damn pigeons in my life.  One of 'em, a male pigeon with a jerry curl and some Stacy Adams on tried to pick up on me. I wasn't wearing my wedding ring so he thought he could step to me.  With a grin on his face he tapped me on the shoulder and asked "Excuse me Ms. Lady, you ever thought about being with a bird?"

"Umh, no sir," I told the slick pigeon, "besides I'm happily married to a black man.  And you know what they say, once you go black, you never go back!"

The damn pigeon came back with, "Hey, well forget what you heard, it's all about the bird!"