OK, so on CrossRoads this past weekend, we did an entire show on amazing kids.  We had Toure' Montgomery, a 16 year old piano player who can tickle the keys like Jamie Foxx playing Ray Charles.  The boy is bad.  Then, we had the kids from the gospel musical group 4Given!  They sang until they had us crying. I mean, they sounded like The Jackson 5, back before Michael's dream was to become a rich white woman, leave his brothers and go off solo!  But the one kid who left an impression on my heart was Ms. Olivia Bruce!  She's an artist who is only 13 years old, and she's already had several gallery showings and some of her artwork is remarkable!  You would not BELIEVE how awesome her pieces are. 

Well, because the show was so interactive, I wound up standing the whole 30 minutes, instead of sitting in the chair, behind the table to do the interviews.

When I watched the segments at home, my first thought was "Who is that fat chick, looking just like me, with my clothes on, standing on the set in the studio for my show reading my lines? Cause surely that is not me."

Man, my stomach is sticking out more than my butt!  Shawn calls that a case of booty-do, cause my stomach sticks out more than my booty do!  I mean, I looked a cross between my Aunt Darnitha (who never does the sideways check in the mirror to make sure she ain't looking like she's 9 months pregnant before putting on her one-piece "cat suit" to go to the club) and a chubby version of my momma!  I could have put on a girdle or something, but I guess I was in denial about how big I was.

"I knew I should have done the sideways check in the mirror before I did this interview." I shouted, "Look at my stomach, the way that dress is rising up on my back.  And that's a size 12.  That's one of my bigger sun dresses.  Lord my ass is fat!"

Then they showed a shot of me from the side and I looked like a beach whale. I'm surprised somebody ain't harpoon me!

My husband saw the frustration on my face while we were watching the program, "Well, you see that you're gaining weight. You're on television and so your image is very important.  What do you plan to do about it?"

"Well," I told him, "I'll be sitting my fat ass down in the chair doing interviews from now on.  And you can best believe I won't turn to the side."

Y'all thought I was pissed about hip-hop and the way it's spiraled out of control, well Laila Ali is right along with me. Girlfriend is so upset about rap music and lyrics that continually diss black women that when I interviewed her and asked about it--her exact words were "I'm so pissed, don't even get me started!"  This beautiful brown sister is passionate and very intelligent.  She's a wonderful role model for young black girls--and we ain't got many these days to choose from these days!  She's expecing her first baby in a few months, but that ain't stopping girlfriend from going out there and making that paper--she's got a few new television projects coming out...

OK so a couple years ago when Shawn and I got married, my best friend Chris flew in from Houston to be one of the ushers at our wedding.  When Chris got here, we realized something was wrong. Bruh man was limping and walking with a cane.  He explained to us that he had "gout" and that his foot was in extreme pain.  I'm talking it was so bad, the doctors told him that he shouldn't be traveling!  But he ain't wanna disappoint us, plus that, my momma refused to allow anyone to walk her down the aisle as "mother of the bride" except Chris!

So he took his mind off the pain (somehow) and hobbled through his duties.  My grandmother asked "What's wrong with the boy? He got a club foot or something?"

"Oh, no." I told her, "He has the gout."

"Oh, the gouch ain't nothing major." she responded, "I had the gouch before and it went away."

"Grandmother," I tried correcting her, "it's the gout, not the gouch."

"I know damn well what it is. I done had it. It's the gouch."

So I joked with Christopher when the wedding was over that when my son grew up, I'd teach him to call him "Uncle Gouchy"!  And true to form, at two years old, when Andrew sees Chris' photograph, he calls him "Uncle Gouchy" or "Uncle G".  Chris has threatened to disown me and cut Andrew out of his will if I don't clean this situation up before my son reaches puberty; so I'd better get it straight...

In the meantime, my girlfriend Veronica is dating Maurice Cheeks, NBA legend and the head coach of the Philly 76ers.  She told me about Mo being the new spokesman for something called the Gout Information Society.  I ain't know there was such a damn thing.  And to top things off, there was a freaking Gout Awareness Day.  I called Chris and he was like "Man, I should have taken the day off.  I'm being honored today."

So, in honor of "Uncle Gouchy" we set up an interview with Mo to talk about his gout and the "crusade" he's on to help educate folks about the condition.

The funny thing is, my country a$$ was in the interview calling it "The Gout" when it's just "gout".  All the physicians, producers and camera men were in the studio listening to my ghetto self trying to conduct this interview--the whole while saying "the gout" instead of "gout"!  Child, Veronica called me after it was all over and said "Girl, Maurice called and ask me 'Where in the hell did you get her from?'"

According to Veronica, they laughed at my a$$ all morning long cause I called it "the gout"!  She said they were walking around the studio all day long saying "Who got the gout?" "Do you have the gout?" "I got the gout!"